My husband has teased me in the past, calling me Pissy Pants! Pissy Pants! You know, in that way kids used to yell things out at the not-so cool kids on the way home from school.
I guess I deserved it though.
Today while I was walking the dog I got to remembering why. You see, I sort of knew I had to pee before I went out… but I didn’t really have to go so I figured it could wait.
As I got halfway around the block I thought to myself what an idiot I was because every time the dog lifted his leg I wished I could just do the same.
When I was 3/4 of the way around the block I was pretty certain I was going to pee my pants. As I half trotted back towards our building, with Bailey in tow, I thought that if I DID pee my pants, I could never tell my husband because I’d never live it down.
The reason for that is because I told him about the last two times it happened to me…
The last time it happened was when I was about 20. It was a rare occasion for me because I was wearing a jumper type dress with leggings (it was the 90′s and it was winter, OK!?) and I was going to a x-mas party for work. My boyfriend at the time was waiting at home for me and we had plans to go out afterward and I was driving so I couldn’t drink.
I did drink a lot of water with my meal though, because it was gross and I had to wash it down without anyone noticing that I didn’t dig their fancy food.
On the way out the door I thought I kind of had to pee, usually this would be no big deal but the memory of the wrestling match I went through trying to get my tights on earlier was still too fresh in my mind… so I said the hell with it, I could wait till I got home and could just pull them off and leave them off. There was no way I wanted to fight with them in some tiny little bathroom stall.
I drove about 2 blocks, which was still a good 20 minutes from home, when I realized there was no way I was going to make it.
The first place I saw was Tim Hortons, a popular Canadian donut shop, and knew it would have to do.
Try to imagine for a moment… a rather non-girlie-girl, chunky 20 year old girl who is busting for a piss not only wearing a dress (which she never does) and tights (which she never does) but also HEELS (which she also never does and never SHOULD).
Now try to imagine said girl trying to get across a donut shop parking lot that is covered in ice.
I made it though!! I ran through the door to the bathrooms just to find the woman’s bathroom locked. ARGH! *PEE DANCE PEE DANCE*
Either she ate one too many donuts or she wasn’t in there alone.
After weighing my options, which were go in the men’s bathroom or piss on the floor, my choice was clear… in I went! Thankfully it was one of those toilets that was just one toilet, not like stalls and stuff… so I had it all to myself.
I yanked roughly at all the crap I had on under the dress and finally sat down for a good pee. Of all the sex I’ve had in my life, and that’s a lot (sorry mom!) I can safely say that this pee was better than at least 25% of it (no honey, not your 25%.. don’t worry!). It was soooooo good!!
That’s when I noticed something….
As I looked down at those leggings, I noticed they were all that was there… my panties didn’t come down with them! I’d sat on the toilet and pissed right through my undies! ARGH! Shit! Now I’d have to take the damn leggings ALL the way off to get my panties off and… godammit! Could this night get any worse?!
YES!! It could… because apparently restocking toilet paper isn’t as much of a priority in the men’s toilet as it is in the women’s.
No toilet paper, no paper towel, nothing… Just me, my tights, my pissy panties and some dude banging on the door. What’s a girl to do?!
Well… I’ll tell you.
If you thought the image of the fatty skating across the parking lot oh heels was funny. Now try to imagine me trying not actually sit on the toilet, but not to touch the floor, while trying to pull off tights so I can pull off my drippy drawers while trying not to really touch those either… THEN trying to wrestle back into the tights with sort of semi damp thighs.
Anyway, I managed and I threw my panties in the garbage and tried to get myself straightened up before leaving.
I walked out of the bathroom looking red, sweaty, dishevelled and my hands dripping from washing them and having nothing to dry them on. I’m not sure what the guy outside waiting thought I got up to in there but he gave me a really weird look and laughed. So I decided not to warn him about there being no toilet paper.
When I got home, my boyfriend was ready to go out but I had to change and bathe first. In all the ruckus I never really thought of how I’d explain coming home without the panties I’d left with, and desperately needing a bath.
My boyfriend thought I got up to something naughty and was quite upset with me. I didn’t tell him any different… I denied it, but didn’t give any other valid reason for coming home less dressed and more dirty than when I left. I decided I’d rather be a slut than a 20 year old who pees her pants.
I can’t be arsed to get into the other time now, this has been a long enough read. I’ll get back to it another time :)
Oh, and if you’re wondering if I made it in time today… I ain’t tellin!