This was the cover of a calendar that my mom sent me for Christmas last year. I was sort of bummed when I took it down because it was really cute and funny. My mom knows me so well…
There has been a lot of this in my life lately, pretending to be normal when really I’m wigging out completely inside. I miss the days when I’d just talk about anything on my blog, because I feel like I could really use that outlet for getting all my thoughts out, but something has changed.
One thing I have always liked best about my blog is that I’ve been real, totally 100% real. The good stuff, the bad and the really really bad. I like being honest and putting it all out there, mostly because I know that there are people who have gone through some of the same things I have who have felt better knowing they aren’t alone.
The problem though? At times I’ve paid dearly for it because I’ve taken it too far. I’ve been insensitive about other people’s feelings and was so busy getting my own feelings out there that I wasn’t thinking of the other people who were affected by it.
I don’t think anyone would be bothered if I wrote about the issues I’m having at the moment, but it’s all stuff that if I put it out there, it’s out for public consumption and I don’t know if I want that right now. I’d like to talk about it but only on my terms. Meaning I’d like to blog about it just so I can talk and let my feelings out but I wouldn’t want people asking me about it all the time, because while I’d write about it here that wouldn’t mean I’d always feel like talking about it. It would just be nice to let it all out and drivel on about it as long as I want without worrying that I’m boring someone or forcing them to be a part of a conversation about it.
Fucking hell, I just realized I’m like one of those Vaguebookers I hate so much. Those assholes who say something like “oh I never thought it could ever get this bad!” or “I never thought a friend could be that absolutely heinous but I guess they can’”, which prompts all their friends to swarm like flies to shit to find out what is going on. I hate those people, like… want to punch in the throat kind of hate.
Honestly, that’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m just talking about an inner struggle with how I am feeling about my blog at the moment and what I want it to be. It used to be a no holds barred place for me to be well… me. Lately it feels like I’ve been holding back, just posting photos and trying to keep everything as safe as possible… and I really really haven’t been enjoying it. I like to think I’m wiser now and I know what is and isn’t appropriate to write about. The problem is, everyone has a different idea of where the line is. Maybe I just need to keep on writing like I always did, as long as it’s just my own private business I’m discussing, and possibly my husband’s if he consents…. and give a good think to who else is affected by it if I hit the publish button.
Sorry, I know this probably makes no sense and is really confusing, but if you’ve been reading for a long time I’m sure you’ve noticed the difference as well. I just need to think on it a bit more, but I’ll probably be back soon to add a little clarity to the whole thing.