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30 Days of Truth: Day 28

If I got someone pregnant, I would be rich.  The first female to ever get someone else pregnant… can you imagine what Oprah would pay for that story?

If I were pregnant, I would be over the moon.  More than over the moon, I’d be in shock.  So much so that I probably would have a hard time believing it was true.

When I started this 30 Days of Truth, this question stood out to me.  I’ve spent the last 28 days trying to figure out how I would answer.  Would I brush over it and try to be funny or would I be honest?   Brushing over it would be pretty easy, the funny thing isn’t that difficult.

Being honest?  That’s another story… because it means getting really personal.

I know, you are thinking that getting personal really isn’t an issue for me seeing as I always just sort of lay it all out there, but there are some things I haven’t been talking about.  This is one of them, the baby issue.

Ok, I admit it… it’s been killing me not to write about it because I’m quite an open book and my blog is like a friend to me. A friend I can talk to who never answers, just listens.  It has no emotional investment or need to try to say something to make things better.  It’s just there.

The problem is, I know that standing behind this ‘friend’ are hundreds of other people.  Some friends, some not, some that  I’m not entirely comfortable with sharing something this personal with.  So I’ve held back.

I need that outlet though, I really do… and that’s why I’ve decided to go with honesty on this one.   Also because I think it’s sort of fate that THIS question came on THIS day.

Today I had an IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination)… what you’d probably know better as Artificial Insemination.  This is the fourth that I’ve had, the first three not being successful.  This has been a long day for me and having this question come at the end sort of makes me … roll my eyes and sigh.

My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years, together for 12.  We have never tried to prevent pregnancy, and long time readers may remember a period of 3-4 years a while back where we were trying to conceive.  I was more open about it back then as I was younger and wasn’t really aware of what was in store for me when it didn’t work.   I had every test imaginable, my husband was tested, we tried everything we were told to do from charting to temperatures, ovulation tests… the whole works.  Nothing happened.

After four years, I was completely defeated and broken down mentally.  This didn’t improve when my doctors told me I would probably never have a child naturally and before they would agree to help me with any procedures, I would have to lose a significant amount of weight as the risk factors with all the hormones were too great.

I was very sad and wasn’t at all up to the task.  My husband and I decided it was time to step away from the baby issue to give me a chance to get my head back together.  That we needed some time just for US, as having spent so long with our lives revolving around trying to have a child took it’s toll on us as a couple as well.

The last three or four years I’ve basically spent trying to convince myself that I didn’t want children anyway.  What other choice do you have when something seems so far out of reach?  When I’d see someone with a screaming child I’d tell myself Wow, glad I dodged that bullet!! and I reminded myself again and again how happy I was to still have my freedom.   It was what I had to do to make myself ok with it, and I almost had myself convinced.

Unless you’ve ever lived inside the brain of a woman who suffers from infertility, there is no way to understand what we need to do to get by… there’s no real point in trying.

Anyhow, fast forward to last summer, I’m sitting in my doctor’s office on a totally unrelated matter.  I had lost 50lbs and he was congratulating me… then the conversation turned.

It’s been a while since we discussed the baby issue, where do you stand with that?

Well, we’ve just sort of been leaving it alone for now…

Ok, if you don’t want children that’s fine, but if you do TICKTOCK GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR!

He may not have actually said tick tock, but he did make comments about how I was 35 now and if I ever did want to get the help I needed to have children, I had to get the rest of the required weight off and get back to my fertility specialist and sort it out.

Hello, hard cold slap of reality.  Nice to see you again.

Xander and I went home that day and we talked.

We continued to talk the next day.

We talked for a lot of days, figuring out what we really wanted, how we felt about GOING THERE again… to that place that had nearly broken me before.  Trying to get pregnant.  Did we really want all that stress in our lives again?  Could I handle the disappointment?  Do we really want a child?!

Here’s what I knew… I couldn’t NOT try.  I knew that the thing that had been holding me back was fear.  The fear of it not working and spending the rest of my life without a child.  The fear of what that would do to me mentally and how it would affect our marriage.

You know what scared me more than that?  How I’d feel if I one day found myself 45 years old, with my childbearing years gone past and wondering what if…

Xander agreed, and that is when we decided to go ahead with it.

So, I continued to bust my ass to lose the rest of the required weight.  and in August I saw my fertility specialist again for the first time in almost four years.  We made a plan. I would continue to lose weight and try to get to the goal they had set for me, and I would come see her again in three months to catch up, then maybe after that appointment they’d consider starting fertility procedures around six month after.

Three months went by, and in late November I went to see her for the checkup.  I was much closer to my goal weight and much to my surprise I didn’t have to wait another six months as she had originally thought.  She told me that she had made an agreement with the rest of the team of doctors that because I’d lost so much weight (85 lbs) and was so close to the goal, they would begin with IUI the following month.  If that didn’t work after 6 cycles, they would move on to IVF.

I broke down in tears in her office.

I cried while making the next appointment with the receptionist.

I cried the whole way home.

I was so proud of myself for losing the weight, making the effort and finally getting the help I need.

Oh, and I was scared shitless.

My first IUI was a week to the day after my gallbladder surgery.  It was incredibly stressful having the surgery, trying to recover from that, organize Christmas, get presents sorted and ready to be shipped out, stick to my diet and have all that came with the fertility treatments on top of it.  December was a write-off for me and I’m still not sure how I made it through.

January and most of February have revolved around these treatments.  Doctors visits, multiple hospital visits each month for ultrasounds and injections and even having to start giving myself daily injections this month.  It’s been a major roller coaster ride for me emotionally, mostly due to the hormones but also the stress, anxiety, frustration, disappointment and a multitude of other emotions all flooding me at once.

I’ve kept this all quiet over the last three to four months mostly because I felt I needed to get my own head around it first.  Also, it’s not something I always want to talk about.  I don’t’ want people always asking if I’m pregnant yet, how I’m feeling or what’s going on.   Not that I don’t appreciate people’s concern but I live so much in my own head at the moment that sometimes when I actually manage to do something else or think of something else, I don’t like to be pulled back into talking about it right at that moment.

That’s why I’ve decided to start blogging about it… because I come here and talk about it when I want to, in the way that I want to.  There are things I would write on this blog that I wouldn’t say to friends or family, because it’s one thing to sit here in the dark, crying and writing something on my blog… it’s another to sit there sobbing in front of people, regardless of how close we are or how much I know they love me.

My family and friends that I’ve shared this with over the past few months have been incredibly supportive, and I love them for it.  I know that none of them really understand what I am going through and often aren’t sure what to say to make me feel better, but that’s the thing… there’s nothing anyone can say.  It’s something I have to go through and get through and there isn’t anything that will make it feel better unless it actually works.

That is when I will feel better… the day that I see that + sign.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I live in a funk every day of the week, all month long.  I have been getting out with friends, having a good time and trying to go on with life like normal. I can’t deny that the majority of my thoughts are completely entangled in what we are going through at the moment though.

So, what if I was pregnant?  Ha… I can’t even imagine it.

No, that’s a lie… I imagine it every day, a million times a day.  I just can’t imagine it ever being real.

That is my honest answer to this 30 Days of Truth question.

About Tammy

A Canadian living in France with her Dutch hubby after 17 years in the Netherlands. A total TV and movie junkie who is never not knitting. She also enjoys other crafts, nail art, cuddling her dogs and general geekery. Otherwise just working on getting by and making a life for herself in her ‘new’ country.

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  1. Hi Tammy
    Before becomming unable to work I worked for many years in any ob/gyn office. She was a wonderful, young, emphathetic doctor and as a result we had a huge infirtility practice. I know on a clinical basis what you are going through. Without going through it yourself no person can truly know what another feels but I know the type of side effects you are having to go through and you are very brave. It is one of lifes biggest mysteries to me why these wonderful women who want children so much and would provide such wonderful families have to struggle so hard to conceive yet these teenagers on welfare pop them out faster than they pop the zits still on their faces. Drives me crazy. And we live in a society that encourages these girls to keep their children…to raise them in a cycle of poverty that just goes on generation after generation. We had one girl come in every year for 3 years in a row starting at age 15. Each time she had a baby her welfare increased so she kept having them. It was so sad. I’m not talking about the young girl who got pregant by mistake and had a child and looked after that child possibly with the help of her family. I saw lots of that and it was actually quite beautiful to see the way some families come together in times of stress and the way good parents are there for there kids when they do make a mistake. I’m talking about the situation where that child does not have a chance in life. It will grow up without the chances that we had and likely without the love that we had because most of these girsl didn’t have the capacity for real love because they themselves had never been shown any. So the cycle continues. But I go on too much.
    Then there are people like you and Xander who have so much to offer and struggle to have a child.
    Sometimes life just doesn’t make any sense.
    I hope more than anything that your dreams come true.

    • Karen, you have no idea how much it drives me crazy. I know people who get pregnant just from getting breathed on and they are the WORST mothers. I’ve seen people in Cape Breton pop one baby out after another just for the benefits.etc It frustrates and saddens me SO much because I always think WHY ME?!! *sigh*

  2. Tammy, you are so strong. You have me in tears. My brother and sis-in-law deal with this issue. They did have a son, now 4 years old…but it’s not working a sceond time after numerous tries and I can see them breaking down. Continue to have strength. All I can say is I hope that your dream becomes your reality…and you know, those screaming monsters (I have 2) *are* reason to be grateful some days. ;-)
    tera´s last post ..Vacation with Autism

    • Tera, there are so many people out there dealing with this. It’s crazy! Your bro and SIL are lucky that they have one already. Not that it makes all the disappointment any easier when trying again, but they got to experience it once at least :) If I can have one I’ll be happy.

  3. You’re a strong woman.

  4. (Getting out of my lurking corner)

    Sending you all the positive thoughts I can send – I really wish your dream comes true!

    I’ve been through the same kind of story. TTC, no result. Tests: male sterility. After 6 failed IUIs, I was told I had to lose about 40 kg to be allowed IVF. Only, I haven’t been able to lose that much weigh, despite all my efforts. It drove me into an abyss of pain and sadness, where I became a person I never thought I could be, full of anger and bitterness. So after a few years of healing and therapy, we have now decided to stop and enjoy our life as it is, just the 2 of us.

    If you want to talk to someone who’s “been there”, don’t hesitate to contact me!

    • That’s about the same as what I had to lose to get to the weight that was required. It’s not easy, that’s fore sure. It’s good that you two have come to a place where you accept it and are doing what you want with your lives now. I’m hoping we’ll be able to do the same if none of this works. That we’ll be ok with it just being the two of us.
      At least I’ll know I tried everything, I suppose.
      Thanks for the message :) You should de-lurk more often!

  5. You should make this 28 Days of Truth and stop right here… (hey, there are 28 days in February, why not?)

    It must be a relief to get it all out in the open and not have to hide it anymore. And, you get a free pass for every hormone-induced crying jag, we’ve all been warned!

    • It was a big relief to let it all out, you’re right :) If I was gonna do 28 I may as well do 30 and be able to say I finished it!

  6. Wow. I wish you two the best, hopefully a little one soon. Keep on trying and be strong (yeah, easy to say!). You are a great storyteller, I could almost feel what you’ve been through. You definitely have a strong will!

    • Thank you Zhu :) I’m trying to keep myself together but I am unraveling a little more each month. Hopefully it won’t go on too much longer!

  7. I want to give you a great big hug. And I will be adding you to my thoughts, just happy thoughts that I will be sending your way from now on!

  8. “sprinkling baby dust on you* and keeping my fingers crossed the whole time. I know how much you want this and I know how both of you will be two awesome parents!
    You have our support, a shoulder, an ear or advise when ever you need it.
    Keep thinking positive thoughts. Good things happen to good people!
    Candee´s last post ..Red Bull Crashed Ice in Valkenburg

  9. Wow. Amazingly truthful post Tammy. You’re very brave to talk about it, a lot of people wouldn’t be able to (for the various reasons you said). I will keep my fingers and toes crossed for you. Wishing you the best of luck with it all. And I look forward to reading all your blogs in the future.

    I don’t know that I suffer from infertility, but I do know it’s a gigantic fear of mine also being overweight (I know that I don’t know for sure, but I also know it makes it more difficult). It gives me hope reading your blog. Thank you for sharing.

    • Thanks Jen :) That’s the thing, there are so many overweight women who get pregnant really easily, also women who are totally fit and exercise all the time who still can’t get pregnant. Everyone is different and there is no telling why it works for some and not others. It sure is frustrating though!

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