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I Would Die For That Too

Today is the day I found out a few things.

I found out that I will have at least one more month of giving myself injections, that in the next few weeks I will have anywhere between 5-7 hospital visits and that my life will once again revolve around hormones.

I found out that for the next three to four weeks I’ll once again be fighting mood swings, side effects, food cravings and emotional tidal waves I’ve been living with for the past three months.  That I’ll spend at least one more month with people telling me just not to think about it, to relax, to go with the flow, think positive and all the other things they try to say to help without realizing that none of that is possible.

This isn’t a flow, it’s a monsoon, and I’m an ant.  I’m being picked up, flipped over, smashed down and spun around and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to control it.  I can’t outrun it, I can’t pretend it’s not there and even if I don’t try to fight it, I still get thrashed about all the same.  I wonder how many people could stand in the middle of a busy highway and just not think about the possibility of being hit… or swim with sharks and just not think about the odds of getting bitten. That’s what it’s like to try not to think about babies, pregnancies, periods, eggs, ovaries, fallopian tubes, sperm counts, cramps, implantation, insemination, hormones, needles, doctors, ultrasounds, medications, and everything else that barrels through your mind day in and day out.

Could they get kicked in the face, stand up, get kicked in the face again, crawl back up, get kicked in the face again, pull themselves back up, get kicked in the face again and the stand up smiling and thinking positive thoughts about how this will be the time that they actually won’t get kicked in the face?  I’d like to meet the person who could do that.

The best part is, that’s just the internal stuff.  The things that go on in the privacy of your own life and mind… that’s not including the feelings and experiences that come up every time you watch a TV show and some teenager is getting pregnant by mistake, log on Facebook to see an ultrasound photo and pregnancy announcement, sit in the waiting room for yet another test while surrounded by swollen pregnant bellies and happy couples or have friends make hurtful comments without even realizing they are doing it, because they’ve never been where you are.  I can’t even begin to explain what any of that feels like.

I am so happy for the people around me who are having children and are getting to experience that joy in their lives.  I hope that any friends who read this who are pregnant at the moment or have recently had children don’t think that my excitement for them isn’t genuine, because it is.  That doesn’t mean I’m not envious though, or that I don’t wish we could have the same.  It’s always hard to see others having or doing something you desperately want, and when it comes to infertility it’s an entirely different and much more difficult experience.

Anyway… sorry, I had to put in a little disclaimer because I didn’t want people to be hurt or think they can’t share their happiness with me, because they can and one day I do hope to share mine with them.

So, in one or two days I will have to start giving myself the daily hormone injections again.  In a week I will have the first of many hospital visits for this cycle.  In about ten days I will spend an evening going to emergency so a stranger can give me a needle in my ass and in almost two weeks I will have my fifth IUI.

That’s not even when the fun begins, because after that is the wait.  The 10-12 days of side effects from the drugs, food cravings due to the hormones and stress and the anxiety that all of it creates.

I’m pretty sure that in 22-25 days I will be sitting right here, feeling the same way I’m feeling right now and dreading the month to come yet again.

In between all of these things, I will be spending time with my husband and trying not to talk to him about it too much and put too much strain on our marriage.  Spending most of my time hidden on chat programs because I don’t feel like chatting, posting on Facebook too much and wishing I could just ditch it and avoid the babies, pregnancies and people who are getting to do something I so desperately want to do too, and going out to see friends, while trying to appear somewhat more stable and normal than I really am at that moment.

I know I haven’t spoken about this much on here and it’s quite new to many of you.  I know I’ve only been doing the fertility treatments for almost three months (almost 5 cycles)… and people could easily think, pff it’s only been three months!

It’s not though…

It’s 11 years of marriage while never trying to prevent having children.

Four years previously of dire hard attempts, doctors visits, stress and tests.

Almost 12 years together without it ever happening for us.

It’s been 12 years of me feeling broken and empty… a feeling only another woman who has never been able to have a child could ever understand.

It’s been 12 years of wondering why I am the only woman in my entire family, as far back as I can look in either direction, to have any problems getting pregnant.

12 years of frustration and pain, wondering what we could have done so wrong that we don’t deserve that kind of happiness.

So yeah,  I’ve only been having fertility treatments for three months but this has not been only three months for us.  For us it’s been our entire lifetime together.  This issue may have gone on the back burner at times, for the sake of our sanity, but it has never gone away… and we’ve never stopped feeling that missing piece in our lives.

I’m going to stop ranting now, because I’m giving myself a headache… but I saw something today (on Facebook of all places) that really hit home with me.  A video of someone singing about infertility and the desire to have children.  I could do without the wind machine dramatics of the video, but the message is close to my heart.

About Tammy

A Canadian living in France with her Dutch hubby after 17 years in the Netherlands. A total TV and movie junkie who is never not knitting. She also enjoys other crafts, nail art, cuddling her dogs and general geekery. Otherwise just working on getting by and making a life for herself in her 'new' country.

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  1. I just came across your blog post, have been busy so i wasnt able to keep up….

    Lieve Tammy, im speechless. And the words that come to mind are not right. The only thing I can do is send as many positive vibes&strenght your way and keep my fingers crossed. I hope it helps…. The song made me cry….

    As you know we are crazily busy :( at the moment. The moment we have time to meet up with you and Xander we let you know! You are in my thoughts a lot, unfortunately we have little time… But hopefully you and Xander can at least make it to my birthday on friday the 8th! :D Then at least we have a date :D !!

    PS Did you get my textmessages? Maybe you are busy, or maybe its the wrong number… but by not getting a response i thought I might had the wrong number!
    Ladybird and butterfly´s last post ..Weird things

  2. As you know, I know the pain of infertility, but even for someone like myself – your words and the description of how hard it is to just “not think about it” really were an eye-opener. I’d bet even more so for people who have never had to experience this kind of thing. Reading these words really brought back those times before I was blessed enough to have kids finally – and I know I’ve complained from time to time how tough it is to be a parent – even to the point of making me burned out (which is why I haven’t been around for months now). But reading this and watching that video was a good reminder of how much I have to appreciate. Good luck with these following months Tammy. Even though I’m “out of sight” a lot of the time, you’re still on my mind on a daily basis and I’ll be keeping my fingers tightly crossed over here.

  3. ah

  4. Sending lots of hugs and positive thoughts your way Tammy :)

  5. As someone who has gone through all that 5 times, I totally understand what you are going through. I wish you all the best – hopefully all the turmoil of wishing, suffering, waiting, despairing, putting up with outsiders well-meant sympathy, and all that, will be over soon.
    Hang in there!
    Aledys Ver´s last post ..Our own Elfstedentocht- Stop 4 Dokkum

    • Wow, 5 times… as in 5 children after treatments or 5 months of treatments? I’m confused but curious! I hope you are right and that it all ends soon, in a good way!

  6. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers, Tammy :) I know how life-consuming infertility can be, so I know how you’re feeling right now. Your comparison with the monsoon and the ant is quite accurate. You want to fight it, but you can’t, you just have to go with the flow.

    This is a beautiful song, brings to me tears everytime :)

    Take care!

    • Thank you Marie-Claude :) It’s a wild ride for sure… I’ve had to stop listening to the song, too much of a tear jerker for me!

  7. Hugs to you Tammy. I hope that this month it works for you. I couldn’t imagine going through what you and Xander are going through-I am wishing you lots of luck and fertility vibes from across the ocean.

  8. I don’t know what infertility feels like, but it’s probably one of my biggest fears. Becoming a mom is my biggest goal in life and I can’t even imagine the gut wrenching feelings you must have been dealing with over the last 12 years, but I hope that writing about it helps you get through it. I admire your openness about your life. It’s really inspirational :-) I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you two the best of luck this time! Love the song too, it made me cry a little.

    • Lizzy, I never really thought about it before it happened. I mean, I never imagined infertility would be a problem for me when I started trying. It’s so weird to spend years as a singleton trying desperately NOT to get pregnant, then trying and not being able to. Screws with your head. I sincerely hope that when you decide you start a family that it happens for you quickly and easily :) If, for whatever reason, it doesn’t… I’m here for you! Thanks for the thoughts and message :)

  9. Waaahhhhhhhh! Seriously, you just brought me to tears. I want to come and hug you and then give you a big stick and let you loose on some unsuspecting objects for some stress relief.

    And I should just really stop my whining and complaining when it comes to my boys and be thankful.
    kara´s last post ..Craft Sale Success!

    • I would love some Kara hugs! I bet they are warm and snuggly and smell slightly of FUR! haha Don’t worry about complaining about the boys, I’m sure that at some point if I do manage to have a child, I’d complain about them too! :P

  10. Tammy, thinking of you and Xander these coming weeks. ((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))

  11. Well, there is not much I can say about this Tammy. Only that I have seen this same thing with one of my co-workers, and how much stress it causes.

    We can only keep our fingers crossed for you guys and we will surely do that…..and hope you don’t rip my head off next weekend ( or worse…eat my food !!).

    See you next weekend

  12. Oh Tammy, I will be thinking of you in the next coming weeks and months. I do understand a bit of what you are going through. Me and the BF have been trying for the last 4 years. It seems that Toby is meant to be my only child. I thank god or whatever that I had him. I just so wanted to give him a little brother or sister. I try to look at my situation as “at least I have him”. I wish you and Xander well hun. I miss you guys.

    • Sorry to hear you are having trouble, Melissa :( Infertility is difficult no matter what the situation or how long you’ve been trying, but yes you are very lucky to have been able to experience it once at least. Not that it makes your situation right now any easier, I’m sure. Finding it hard to stay positive for myself so I’ll try to send some your way :)

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