Have you ever read my About Me page? If you have you’ve probably seen this…
Ummm, yeah. This is a lie. Well, it wasn’t a lie when I first wrote it now but I can’t leave it on there without feeling like I’m telling a fib.
A while back I wrote a post about how I felt that my being overweight affected my feeling of femininity, which was quite difficult for me to write because not only was it slightly embarrassing but it required a little bit of soul searching as well. I always knew I didn’t feel feminine but I wasn’t sure why, it wasn’t until I started losing the weight that I put two and two together and made the connection.
In that post I was talking about my acrylic nails, which I loved. Oh how I loved them. I decided they would be my reward to myself for losing weight and one of my first steps into accepting that more girlie side of myself. Unfortunately, due to the affect the hormones treatments were having, the weight loss stopped. It also started to get a little expensive for me to keep having my nails done… so I decided it was best if I removed them. I partly didn’t feel like I deserved the ‘reward’ since I wasn’t still losing weight but the main problem was about cost.
The thing is, I really loved having pretty nails so I decided to start trying to do them myself and see what I could come up with. Before I knew it I was hooked! Uh oh, I DO live for nail polish! So that means that on my About Me page I am a big lying liar! haha
Not just that, but with the weight loss I also realized that none of the clothes I’d bought last summer fit me anymore. Which was good, but also not good because I didn’t want to have to buy an entirely new wardrobe. I did have to buy some new clothes though, and I thought what better time to try something new! For the first time in years, I bought leggings… and a dress. Yes, you heard me right. A dress!
I wore it… and felt silly.
I wore it again… and felt slightly less silly.
I got one or two more outfits like this and I wore them and felt increasingly less silly.
I admit, each of the times I wore it I was a little paranoid about the size of my legs, because that is one area that isn’t showing a drastic change after the weight loss. I’m still quite big in my butt, thighs and legs… so wearing stuff like this really tests my strength in regards to my body issues. Every part of me wants to NOT wear these outfits, EVEN THOUGH they are incredibly comfortable and cool in the warm weather. The insecure, paranoid, body issue freak inside me would rather sweat to death than wear something that might make someone mentally point and laugh when I walk by.
I didn’t give in though, because deep down as much as I worry about my legs, or about my flabby arms when I wear a tank top (oh sweet jesus, don’t even get me started on THAT. Let’s just say I won’t be waving a lot to people this summer!)… I am enjoying the freedom of wearing what I like more and more, regardless of what other people may think.
I’m not sure what created such a drastic change…. now constantly with the nails and manicures, wearing dresses and looking at shoes and makeup more. Some friends have a theory that it’s a possible effect of the hormones I’d taken over the past six months, and maybe they are right… maybe there is something in them that brings out my feminine side, who knows. All I know is that I am through with not trying things because I worry I’ll look stupid.
To be honest, the nails thing? It’s been so therapeutic. There were a lot of days during my treatments that I felt so down. My mind would be going a thousand miles a minute and I didn’t have the patience for anything… but I could sit and play with nail polish and paint my nails for hours. It felt peaceful and for a little while I was free of the mental roller coaster I was riding.
I even started a second blog, yes… all about nails. I love it! It’s not about anything personal, I don’t discuss life or how I’m feeling. I just share something I enjoy with other people who enjoy it too. It’s SO simple and so fun.
It’s called (as you can see) Gettin’ Girlie. Notice my newspaper nails manicure? Pretty fitting for my ‘Stop The Presses’” post, huh? I’m so clever.
Anyway, the blog is on Blogger, which I must admit I kind of despise, but that’s where the nail community ‘lives’, so I figured I may as well have my nail blog live there too. I would have loved to be able to have the nails blog also on self-hosted WordPress, because that’s how I roll… but there are elements to nail blogging (like having to use Google Friend Connect) which absolutely does NOT work on WordPress for some reason, that I can’t use, so I’m sort of stuck with Blogger. Blech.
The reasons I started a second blog for this are pretty simple. I didn’t think the readers who visit Canadutch would all be interested in nails. Not that everyone that visits is interested in everything I write, but if I suddenly just became all about manicures it would not really be what this blog is about. Also, I wanted to sign up for giveaways. LOTS AND LOTS of giveaways. I so want free shit! In order to do that you have to pretty much plague your blog with posts, sidebar stuff etc… and that’s not what I want for Canadutch either. I like keeping this site free of spam and clutter, and that just does not jive well with what the whole nail blogging thing is all about.
For the last while I’ve been keeping the nail blog semi-secret because I felt kind of silly. I mean, a NAIL blog? About NAIL POLISH!? I’m so over it. It’s fun, I enjoy it and it relaxes me. There’s nothing to be ashamed of here… it was just me being silly and slipping into old habits of worrying what other people will think. Over analyzing things… Now I am just rolling my eyes at myself, of course.
As hard as the weight loss journey has been so far, and will be in the coming months, and as much as these fertility treatments have taken out of me… there is a silver lining here. I feel like I’m becoming more and more the person I want to be and am becoming less afraid of what other people think. It has been teaching me some valuable lessons. Most of all, that it’s ok to let your freak flag fly… and fly it will!!
Oh, just don’t think I’ll be waving it, because no matter how ‘over it’ I like to think I am, those waggly arms still drive me bananas!