Home » Make Me Cry » RIP Spencer (1996-2012)

RIP Spencer (1996-2012)

Yesterday we said goodbye to Spencer, the craziest, quirkiest, wildest, most amazingly and frustratingly unique cat I have ever known.  Inside this house he was incredibly affectionate but always into mischief… he was always getting into something and giving me funny things to write about.  Like the time I caught him fishing in the turtle tank or the time he somehow took the door off the hinges to get to the spare room

From the moment I took him home he made sure I knew that he wasn’t going to make my life easy, but he also showed me that even though I apparently absolutely hate cats and everything that comes along with them… that I was fully capable of loving him in spite of it all.  He was affectionate, funny, and loyal to me like no other.   I was the only person who could do anything with him, while others lived in fear of ended up shredded.  I admit, I sort of loved that.

I am completely devastated.  I know he was old, I know his health was deteriorating rapidly and I know it was the right thing to do… but I feel completely and utterly heartbroken.  I knew that no matter how much he drove me nuts over the years that when the time came to say goodbye that I’d be absolutely shattered, and I am.  I feel so incredibly sad and more than anything I feel guilty.  Guilty for all the times he frustrated me and I fantasized about cat free life, for the times I tried to rehome him, and for all the times he ate my plants, scratched my furniture and shed all over everything… making some small part of me wish he wasn’t here.  I wish I’d never had any of those thoughts, because I did love him and I never REALLY wanted him gone. 

Now that he is gone the house feel so empty without him.  He had such a presence in this house and in my heart, and both just feel so empty without him now.   He was my longest relationship other than my parents… I had him almost 17 years, that’s longer than I have been with my husband!

Taking him to the vet and making the decision to put him to sleep was horrible.  Watching it was horrible. Everyone says that they just get a needle and fall asleep… well not SPENCER!  I know I’ll look back on it and laugh one day, because it was so HIM, to fight them right to the end, but it was so hard to watch.   He has always hated the vet and was one of those cats that need the giant gloves and blanket.  So he struggled, screamed, thrashed and everything else while they were trying to give him the needle.  Nothing we’ve not seen a hundred times, but it was harder this time because we knew what that needle meant.  The struggle somehow made it not so much a peaceful end, but like we were actually KILLING him. 

Once they managed to get the needle into him, we were able to lay him in his bed and stroke him and say our goodbyes as he went to sleep, and I’m glad for that, but I’d be lying if I said the entire process wasn’t horrible for us.  Xander can see it all a bit better than I can, he sort of thought it was appropriate that Spencer went out like that, because he is a fighter, but for me… it was just incredibly sad.

When I came home, it was extremely difficult, because once again I found myself in a typical situation where I would normally eat to numb the pain, and that wasn’t possible anymore.  If this had been 2 years ago it would have been McDonald’s for dinner and then spending the evening consoling myself with a bag of Maltesers.  Hard for the non food-addict / emotional eater to understand but it really was like a drug that would tone down these extreme emotions. 

Now?  All I can do is FEEL and DEAL and holy shit, it’s hard and it sucks.  I have to just cry my heart sore, talk it out and deal with it and it’s completely foreign to me.  I just sat and cried and was completely twitchy with frustration from not knowing what in the hell to do with myself, what to do to make it feel better… it sucked, it just fucking sucked.  On the flip side, I wasn’t even hungry.  My husband had to keep telling me to eat because while I knew that the food is how I would have dealt before, not only was the ability gone but the hunger was as well.  A very strange and frustrating feeling.  I’ve always wished I was one of those people who COULDN’T eat when I was sad or stressed, rather than wanting to eat everything in sight… now I guess I am.

So all of this together, the guilt, the fresh memories of the vet, the sadness and the emptiness in the house … yeah, I’m just pretty damn miserable at the moment and all I can do is ride it out and let it run its course.  I am just SO FUCKING SAD and I miss him so much.

Farewell, you crazy, crazy, annoying, adorable bastard.  I love you.

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About Tammy

A Canadian living in France with her Dutch hubby after 17 years in the Netherlands. A total TV and movie junkie who is never not knitting. She also enjoys other crafts, nail art, cuddling her dogs and general geekery. Otherwise just working on getting by and making a life for herself in her 'new' country.

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  1. i’m so sorry 4 what u went thru ….. my cleo died in my arms on her 18th birthday & i watched her brother b euthenized 2mos later & i have not been the same since …. i had a breakdown in the vets office & have been suffering from panic attacks ever since …. the emotional pain is so intense & 4 me its been over a year …. ur baby is watching over u …. don’t ever forget that …

  2. LOVE the pictorial :)

    Sorry that you had to say goodbye

  3. So sorry to hear about your fur baby. He was beautiful and it sounds like he found his soulmate in you. Lots of hugs to you during this sad time. :(
    Jennifer´s last post ..Recovering

  4. I feel so very sorry about Spencer and your loss. Thank you for sharing him with us all these years. Ditto on the tears…

  5. Oh I’m so sorry. :( I was crying reading this. My dogs are my kids and I would seriously need to be institutionalized if anything happened to them. Big hugs to you at this sad time

  6. I’m sorry you and Xander lost your furry friend, but glad you have loads of memories of him! ~huggs~

  7. Jari says: Cute! Die ogen kan je niet weerstaan. Sorry he died.

  8. Tammy, Thank you for sharing the photo memories with us. I can see how much you loved him from the pics. He shared your heart and home…it’s obvious. I am sorry you are aching. I hope you can soon laugh about all his craziness without feeling sadness and guilt. Big Hugs…yeah, really big ones ;-)

  9. I am so sorry. (He looks a lot like my Jasper.) I know how much my fur babies mean to me. Just try to remember the fun times with him.

  10. honestly, that is truly the most beautiful, touching tribute to spencer…with a perfect dose of humour and the photos, you shared the best & most mischievious moments of his life…when i read your stories & think back on the posts you shared where he had gone all out & done something bad, despite how angry or frustrated you were, there was always no question but that love was bigger…i’m sorry he left you with such a rough image at the vet’s, but i do agree with xander, he stayed true to his personality to the end…

    i so relate to how you feel…when i went through it, i found myself going off biking for 2-3 hours all over the place, coming home & going back to bed…i even got to a point of figuring out the stories on german soap operas…its just where i was…take your time, grieve & cry, laugh & remember…one thing i can promise you, he’ll always be in your heart… so very sorry… big hugs …carol

  11. I am so so sorry.

  12. Crying my eyes out while typing this….as an animal lover I know you did the right thing, the exact thing i would have done, but i understand, too, how difficult this decision was….He was a beautiful cat and it was obvious how much you loved him.
    May Spencer rest in peace.
    Suz´s last post ..a new me

  13. Oh Tammy,

    I am so so sorry.

  14. I am so sorry for your loss, Tammy.

    What a great set of pictures though. You sure had an entertaining companion for the last 17 years!
    Kara´s last post ..Playing with their hose

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