Hey have you noticed I can make PERIODS now?! Now I can … DOT DOT DOT … to my hearts content! I don’t know why I didn’t think of this earlier but all I do is copy a period from a url and just keep it on my clipboard so whenever I hit ctrl-v I have a period! Only took me a few weeks to come up with it but nobody is perfect…

Anyway back to my website thing…

I would like something simple, both for my website and for my photos. A lot of people I know use Wordpress and swear by it, but the problem is that the dudes I host Breigh.com with don’t have MySQL, at least not in the package I have, which blows! I don’t know if I want to add to the montly cost of my website just to have a better look. Although it would make it easier maintenance wise as well.

The only thing I wonder/worry about is how I would deal with my older blogs. I’m not sure if there is any easy way to get them from this blog to my new one. If there isn’ tthat could be a bit of a task.

I’ve also been thinking of joining Flickr and using that for my photos instead of the gallery program I’m using at the moment. Firstly because it’s much easier to use than the Gallery program, which is a major pain in the ass and also because Flickr is more like a community where you can join groups and share your photos with other people.

At the moment I’m busy with my parents here doing things with them but when they go home this will be my project, I think.. to re-cr ieate Breigh’s World. I may even rename it, I’m not sure. Maybe whoever is reading this can help me think of a new title for my blog, maybe Canadutch.. which is what Xander and I joke around about me being. Part Canadian and part Dutch.. it’s also what we call my funky dutch I speak.

There must be something more suitable and catchy than that though… I’ll think about it over the next few days.

First thing is first though, I need to figure out my hosting situation as I definately need MySql if I’m going to change to wordpress, bah!

I know I haven’t written much about my parents visit, but it is going absolutely wonderful. It’s been great having them here and we’ve done a lot of things and really been enjoying the time together. My mother has taught me how to make pie crust, just what I need, the ability to make even more fattening food! haha

A friend of mine looked for me and some guy owns all the communities I started on Orkut so I can only assume he was some part of the whole thing, dumbass. I’m not too worried about that since I hate Orkut anyway, but not having access to my gmail account is irritating.

I tried to do the password recovery thing but it says that no account by that name even exists anymore, when my friend looked me up on Orkut my profile was gone as well. It’s as though I’ve just been wiped out by Google completely. I tried to contact them to see if it can be fixed but I haven’t heard anything back yet, maybe it’s because it’s a weekend.

Anyhow, if you normally would mail me at my gmail address don’t bother because I won’t get it. Hopefully I’ll be able to sort something on Monday if I ever get in touch with anyone. In the meantime, if you are on Orkut please send a mail reporting whoever owns the Piercings and Tattoos communities and explaining what has happened to me, maybe it will help to move this all along quicker.

I lose at the internet.

MISS MY PERIOD KEY

I am a habitual dot dot dot’er and it’s horrible not being able to dot dot dot the end of my sentences or a pause between thoughts/ The slash isn’t cutting it for me and it would just be unheard of to blog on my desktop because this is where I blog, sitting against the arm of my sofa with my laptop on a little tray thingie in front of me/ That’s just how it is dammit!

I should get a job so I could afford a new laptop for myself dot dot dot

(Ok so spelling out the dot dot dot isn’t working for me either)

Went to see Memoirs of a Geisha with L yesterday, my god what a great film! I sobbed and sobbed at the end and loved every second of it/ It’s definately a chick flick but I’m sure Xander will be made to sit through it at least once/ I fully plan to download and burn the DvD!

L is my British friend I met a few months ago and did my quilting class with/ She is 6 months pregnant and is having a little girl and thankfully is one of the few people on the planet who is pregnant that I’m not bitter and jealous about! She has a beautiful belly at the moment and after having a lot of difficulty getting pregnant is over the moon about it all/ It’s nice to be able to share it with her and I think I’m enjoying living vicariously through her with this/ It’s a shame she’ll only be here another year though, as her partner’s contract in NL will be over then and she’ll be hightailing it back home because she loves it here just as much as I do (or less even)

Tonight A, another British friend, is coming over to hang out/ We plan to order pizza and pig out while we play this new game he got for his playstation/ The game is called Buzz and is a trivia type game/ There are two versions, one is just about music (all genres) and another is about all different topics/ He kicked my ASS a few weeks ago on the music game so we’re going to have a go ’round with the new one that has all different topics/ Some of the topics are movie and television related so I’m hoping to score some points there!

*Cracks Knuckles* Oh yeah, I’m ready!!

Almost forgot to explain why I titled this “The Fluff” in the first place/ Thinking about giving my site a makeover again, something more plan with less FLUFF/ Still feel this is somewhat too girly for me and I think I’d like to completely reformat the whole thing/ Any thoughts?

Whether I’ll ever actually bother is another story dot dot dot (ugh thought I’d give it one more try, it still sucks)

Less than two weeks until my parents are here!!!!

1. A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.
2. The object of such feeling: Their new pool made them the envy of their neighbors.

One of the Seven Deadly Sins and something I suffer from terribly/ (yes my period key is still busted)

One of my worst qualities in life, I think, is how much I compare my life to other people I know and feel I am coming up short/ I fail to see the good things I have going on and constantly find myself resentful of other people for the things they do have/ I don’t mean just material things but anything, relationships, jobs, you name it/

Relationships and marriages is the big one though, especially where and how people are settling down and starting their lives/ I know this is directly linked to my unhappiness in the Netherlands but I guess that’s natural and to be expected when someone lives somewhere they truly feel they don’t belong/ Especially when they are there just for their mate/

There are a few friends who’s relationships I’ve envied to a great degree/ One is of a guy I knew online from here in Europe/ He and his wife seemed so settled and happy, the way he talked about her and their relationship was always so full of passion and excitement/ They were both settled in this sunny country, happy, in love and really starting to make a life for themselves/ Neither of them were actually from that country, they had to learn the language but they did it together and they seemed to really be thriving/ I envied them for having whatever it is I don’t that made them able to learn the language of their new country properly, I envied them for being younger, more fit and more excited with each other than Xander and I seemed to be/

I can’t lie, there have been times when people have asked me “If you are so miserable here, why do you stay?” and I’ve sat and wondered myself/ There have been times when I’ve looked at Xander and thought, is this all worth it? Do I love him THAT much that I could continue to live the life I’m living (or not living) at the moment and feeling so out of my element? Will I -ever- find a way to be happy here? Would I struggle less on my own in my own environment and earning my own living without the love of my life? IS he still the love of my life?!

The constant comparison between us and other couples I know hasn’t made answering those questions any easier *sigh*

It’s so hard when you find yourself asking these questions about the person you vowed to spend your entire life with/ Especially when you know that it’s all a matter of circumstance that is making you feel that way/ That if we had made other decisions and taken our life together in a different direction that it all may be different/

Is regret also a deadly sin? If not, it should be/

Anyhow, for the last few days I’ve been extremely anxious because Xander is going away on a business trip to Libya for nine days and I will be here by myself/ Originally I thought the anxiety came from just the idea of being here alone/ I lack the kind of independence here in NL that I once had back in Canada, but now I’m not so sure/

A few days ago I was speaking to my friend, the one I was just talking about with his sunny, happy wife and after not hearing from him in about two weeks he dropped a bomb/ His response to my “Hey! How’s it going?” was “I’m getting divorced and I’m in love!” *Jaw drops* He went on to explain that his wife wasn’t happy in the country they were living in, she wanted to go back to her home country (Estonia), and then went on to tell me about how they both moved out of their house and he is in love with this new girl that I’ve never heard of before from him/

So here is this couple that I spent so much time burning with envy about, their marriage is over and he’s completely moved on in just a few short weeks/ Could they really have had the magical connection I thought they did? I doubt it/

Five minutes ago I sat and sobbed because my husband walked out the door for his business trip and it had nothing to do with me being scared to be here alone/ It was because I love him, because we’ve never been apart for this long and I hate it/ He leaves early every morning for work, yet this morning the house feels emptier than ever/

So I guess that’s a lessoned learned, the grass may seem greener on the other side, but that doesn’t mean it is/

Saw an interesting article on a gaming forum today/ Maybe all my time spent playing World of Warcraft really isn’t a total waste!!

Rationalization FTW! (If you don’t know what FTW means, you should start playing and learning too!)

Gail is coming to visit from the 29th - 31st of March as part of her European tour. We’ve been friends for quite a while now and have been there for each other through some crap times so it’ll be nice to finally meet face to face. It also gives me motivation to get off my ass and pick up where I left off with my painting and renovating. God knows we have to get the spare room in some kind of livable state before she gets here which will work for us since we’ll probably be sleeping in there when my parents visit.

Speaking of my parents visiting, they’ll be here from the 4th - 17th of May (or close to those dates). I love that because they’ll be here for my birthday, mother’s day and our wedding anniversary. So many occasions go by where it’s just me and Xander and we can’t really be bothered to do anything special because of money or whatever, this year we’ll be able to celebrate them all with my family. YAY!

We went to our doc appointment on Friday to discuss the results of my HSG test. She said it’s hard to really see what is going on in the films, but that she wants us to continue trying for another few months (oh… shocking, that.. ) She told us some garbage about how people seem to often get pregnant within the first few months after having that test done, that it flushes you out or opens you up or some such nonsense. If we aren’t pregnant in 3 months then I have to have surgery. Like actual cut me open while I’m asleep surgery. It’s called a Laperoscopy, and it’s where they cut your belly and stick a camera inside you to see what is going on. The destination for my laperoscopy would be my fallopian tubes. They’d basically be checking out the damage so they know whether it’s fixable or if we should try insemination or IVF.

LOVELY…

Being a woman sucks. I get poked and prodded, they take my blood, stick things inside me and now they want to cut me open.. and what do men have to do for their fertility tests? MASTURBATE!! Oh gee, how horrible that must be for them.

This month has been spent doing a lot of soul searching. I haven’t found anything so the search is still on.. I’ve been thinking about life, as usual. All the things that come with it, what I want to do with mine. You know, the usual.

Having two people roughly my age die since I turned 30, it’s really shaken me inside. Not just a subtle reminder of how short life is, but a big ol’ punch to the nose. The kind that makes your eyes water uncontrollably. It makes me think of the last 6 years here in the Netherlands and question how I want to spend my next 6, and where..

We’ve been discussing life at length, our lives together. Will it work? Will I ever be happy here? Will he be happy somewhere else? Will we ever make it possible to move? I have a million questions and neither of us have any answers.

Oh, I do have some news. I finally went for the HSG Test that I’ve been putting off for months now. It was every bit as embarassing and invasive as I expected, not to mention PAINFUL!! I knew it would hurt but it was nearly unbearable at times.. I’m guessing that is sort of what labour must feel like. Unfortunately, from what we could see on the screen.. it looks like one of my fallopian tubes is either blocked or completely closed. We don’t know which and won’t until the 10th when we see the doctor. The radiologist who was doing the test tried to be positive and said things about how it’s not 100% but I looked it up online and did a fair bit of research on it and it was obvious from what we were looking at that one tube was fucked.

I’m not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand it’s comforting to know I’m not nuts and that all this time that I’ve felt deep down that there was something wrong inside of me, I was right. On the other hand, I’m sad.. because it means having a child is going to be even more difficult now.

All I know is, if I get the “Go home and have sex.. ” speech this time there is going to be some screaming at Ikazia Ziekenhuis! After 2.5 years and the latest test results, if they won’t finally help us medically.(I mean we are insured for it all for petes sake!) .. I’m going to lose it. Give me drugs, artificial insemination, IVF… ANYTHING!

Moving on..

American Idol has started again *rubs hands together* I think I might have a new Bo Bice, only not quite on Bo’s level. His name is Ace Young and I’m sort of torn. He’s cute alright, but he seems a little feminine. He doesn’t have Bo’s raw sex appeal that makes me claw at the screen of my monitor after downloading the latest show. Bummer..

Time will tell..

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all. I tossed and turned and couldn’t seem to get comfortable.. I got up at 5:30am and vegged in front of my laptop for a while and when I checked my email I found this:

Yeah. You don’t know me. I’m the younger brother of Jason Sheppard. I’m writing to let you know that Jason has passed away. It’s very sad for me to have to do this and is not easy. I know that Jason was a part of your life a long time ago…but we still thought that you should be informed. If you would like to respond you can to the Address that this eamil was sent from.

…….. *cry*

I responded right away to give my condolences and also to ask if his brother could tell me a little about Jason’s life since we lost touch and how he passed. Also, how on earth after all these years anyone knew to contact me.

When he responded he told me that he is close friends with my highschool sweetheart, and that he told him that I also dated Jason and would probably want to know. That Jason died of a massive heart attack on Feb 2nd at 11:06pm in Vancouver, BC.

Who was Jason Sheppard?

He was a boy I knew when I was a teenager. I’m not sure you could call what we did dating, we were friends, we talked a lot and maybe made out a little. I guess when you are a teenager, that is dating. He was your typical little teenage badass, always in some mischief and I remember how our time together was interrupted from time to time when he was sent to juvie for 6 months here and there. We would write though, much to my mother’s dismay… seeing me getting letters from a teenage boy in jail. I loved it though, because I adored him and I sometimes caught a glimpse of a side of him other people didn’t get to see.

I remember him phoning me asking how to bake a cake, because he wanted to surprise his mother for her birthday. The first time he ever shed that ‘tough guy’ persona and let me see that he could be a total softie and a mama’s boy.

I remember that he used to love to sing and how much I loved it when he’d sing to me. Even if some of the time it was ridiculously dirty songs by people like Too Short.

I remember how mad I was about him, how absolutely gorgeous I thought he was. I’m sure that only improved with age. I never really got to see him when he filled out and became a man as we lost touch when we were still in our teens.. but I’m sure he broke many hearts in his life.

So here’s to Jason, the boy who’s memory still makes my heart skip a beat.

If there is a heaven, I’m sure he’s up there raising a little hell.

Do people start off doing something they enjoy and after it becomes work they start to loathe it? Do most people just take what is available, even though they hate it, and remind themselves every day how badly they need the money?

How does one go about finding and acquiring a job they truly love?

I guess first you need to figure out what you love. What do I love? Animals, gaming, crafty things, children and chatting. Hmm.. I guess there are a few occupations in there but are they really viable for me at the moment?

I could be a vet, but that requires a ton of schooling that I can’t get here in NL. Plus, I’m kind of allergic to some animals so I’d spend half my salary on antihisamines.

I could be a professional gamer, but how the hell do you do that? I’ve actually considered just devoting every day and night to farming gold in the games I play, to sell it for RL cash… but I’m not sure I could farm enough to really amount to anything substantial. I know there are some games people actually get sponsored for. Does someone want to sponsor me to play WoW all day? Err… doubt it. Worth a shot though.

There is actually one guy I know who was smart enough to make a business out of gaming years ago when Ultima Online was all the rage. He started selling UO gold for $$ and has moved on to do so in every game he’s played since. He now has a bit of a gold / game item selling empire and from what I hear makes a very very good living from it. I believe he’s just bought and paid for a new house with his earnings. FUCK!!! Why didn’t I think of that?!! ARGH!!!

I could make crafts and sell them but while I like crafts, I’m not sure I’m particularly good at them. Plus, I have a bad habit of starting projects and not completing them.

Children.. having some would be nice but that doesn’t seem to be happening. Plus, I can’t make money off my own children.. not legally anyway. I could make money looking after other people’s children but again, the NL thing creeps up because I can’t speak the language well enough to communicate with the Jr Cloggies.

If Oprah can get paid to chat, I don’t see why I couldn’t. Then again, how would I go about starting my own talk show now? Everything has been done already! I could start up an online talk show about gaming and other geeky things. Hmm.. not a bad idea actually. Though I’m sure by the time I got around to it some other more motivated bastard will have read this and stolen my idea. Thanks a lot asshole!

So… crap… now I’m back where I started. Still been thinking about going back to the job I hate, simply because it appears to be the only one open to me at the moment. I actually phoned there the other day. I plucked up the courage/motivation/interest and was told by the receptionist that the person in charge of hiring was out sick. I asked who it was and [[[ cue psycho shower scene sounds ]]] it was scary Scottish guy! The one guy I was kind of hoping would have moved on by now, no such luck! It appears he’s gotten a promotion and now has even more power. (When I said that, I actually said “power” in my head with a scottish accent like Scotty from Star Trek *sigh*)

Now, I don’t know. I might go for it anyway and see how it goes part time, if they’d take me back after all this time. Even if I lasted only a month that’s like, new wood floors in our livingroom. Then again, maybe I won’t. Life here in NL blows enough without spending half of each day getting told off by British, Scottish and Irish secretaries who won’t let me talk to their boss. They called them “Gatekeepers” .. which I thought was pretty funny.

One thing I really hated about that place was that they timed you for everything. Like, if you were going to step away from your computer you had to put in this code and it turned your screen black with this timer in the middle. I don’t know if it was just me but whenever I had to have a poo I was like turbo pooper… something about coming back and seeing exactly how long it took me to have a crap weirded me out.

Dammit, do I really want to go back to the poo timers? I just can’t decide…

I need to do something though and soooooon, I’m losing my minnnnnnnnd!

By that time it will have been 2 years since I’ve seen them. Again, far far too long. They will be here from May 3rd - May 17th and I absolutely cannot wait. It’s nice having something to look forward to like this. It also gives me some motivation to get off my ass and finish the painting around the house and other things that need to be done before they get here.

The winter seems to be going by quickly, and we haven’t really had any horrible winter weather. Yeah it’s been grey and gloomy like mostly every other winter but I don’t remember the freezing rainy weather of past winters. Before I know it, it will be spring .. my batteries will be recharged, my family will be here… *Sighs happily*

Been watching the American Idol tryouts and I can’t say I’ve seen anyone with any real promise it. Although, we probably won’t see that until they get to Hollywood and are really tested.

Again, been thinking about what the heck I want to do here work/study-wise. I’ve even been thinking of trying to go back to my old job here doing market research, only part time. I think I might hate it a bit less if I’m not spending 40 hours a week doing it. Also, I wonder if I might have tried to jump in too quick back then. I was feeling even more crap then than I am now and tried to take on this job full time, might have been a mistake. Plus, with the turnover in that place there must be new people in charge by now haha Hopefully that scary Scottish guy is gone. I still have to think on it though… I really did hate that place, but I can’t deny as much as I hated it, it felt great to earn my own money. I know their minimum hours you can work per week is 12, even if I started out at the minimum to see. Bah I dunno. Getting paid to get told off all day isn’t really the best job a gal like me could go for, but I don’t see a lot of other options.

I have a confession to make… this weekend I took down my Christmas tree. Yes, it was up that long. I considered leaving it up and decorating it with hearts and stuff and just making it a valentine’s day tree .. until I could decorate it with eggs and make it an Easter tree… but that seemed a little too nutty .. (No, I didn’t seriously consider that, it was a joke to try to deflect from the fact that I was a lazy cow and took my tree down almost a month late)

Bailey is sitting here next to me on the sofa, asleep propped up against a blanket that is bunched up on the other end. He looks so adorable I just want to kiss him. I can’t imagine what mothers must feel like with their children if I feel this much for a dog. Hopefully one day in this lifetime I’ll know what that feels like.

I gave him a wee bit of a haircut yesterday because he hasn’t gone to the dog groomer in far too long. I just cut around his eyes so he could see because he was looking a little bit like a mop… I don’t think I’ll have a career in dog grooming anytime soon. Let’s just put it that way.