Canadutch » Funny Shit

You May Live in the Maritimes IF…

Breigh — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 16:41:01 +0000

People often ask me what it’s like to live in Canada, and that’s a very difficult answer. There are things you can say that generally apply to all of Canada, like the people speak English or love hockey, but when it comes down to day to day life and the people you interact with, that largely depends on where exactly in Canada you are coming from.

A while back I did a photo comparison Google style of my hometown and the current city I live in, to show people the vast differences between where I come from and where I live now. I think that gave people a pretty good idea of how different life is for me now than it was growing up… but it didn’t really tell people about what life in that small town on the east coast of Canada was like.

When you come from the Maritimes, it’s a completely different experience than in a lot of the rest of the country, and it’s often very difficult to describe. Today I saw something a woman from my hometown put on her status message on Facebook and it made me laugh, because it sums up what life in the Maritimes is like perfectly.

This is life in the Maritimes according to Jeff Foxworthy (edited into a proper list for blog-friendly reading)

You may live in the Maritimes if…

Your local Tasty Treat is closed from September through May

Someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t even work there

You’ve worn shorts and a jacket at the same time

You’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with……………… someone who dialed a wrong number

“Vacation” means going anywhere south of Saint John for the weekend

You measure distance in hours

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once

You have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day and back again

You can drive 110 kms through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching

You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked

You carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them

You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction

You have more kms on your snow blower than your car

You find -12C degrees “a little chilly”

You actually understand these jokes!!

I can relate to every single one of the jokes on that list. As I was reading it on my friend’s profile I was laughing to myself and thinking of home, and it really is like that!

People who don’t work in shops actually will help you, they are friendly and there’s a true sense of community. I wore Halloween costumes over snowsuits!

I don’t even know what I was in this photo, a rabbit? a cat? a pink marshmallow? Regardless, I may have been a chunky kid but you can bet your ass there was a snowsuit under there!

I knew if I looked I’d find a photo of my father wearing shorts and a jacket when all the sane people have the sense to wear actual pants. He is living, breathing proof that these jokes are not just jokes, but facts. Crazy, crazy bastard.

I have actually made friends by talking to random strangers who have dialled the wrong number, or having dialled one myself, I shit you not.

I admit, this did make me a little homesick but after all these years I’m used to it. I just consider myself lucky to grow up in a place that is so unique and full of charm that makes me laugh like this when I think back on the time I spent there. The Maritimes is such a great place to live, especially Cape Breton Island. It may not be great in the way a lot of people would like, there’s not a lot of money and not always a lot to do either, but the crazy friendly people and the beauty of the surroundings give it something no amount of money could ever buy, something I’m yet to find here in the Netherlands.

You SNEAKY Mom!!!

Breigh — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 07:29:08 +0000

Oh god I love this video! The crying kids are so funny but the two at the end just crack me up beyond words.

“Are you serious?!”

“You were SO close!”

That kid in the red is one cool cat!

David Beckham Goes Undercover for Ellen

Breigh — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 05:26:36 +0000

This morning I was catching up on my news feed when I saw this video on Dooce and it had me roaring with laughter. I so wish we got her show here in Holland, perhaps I need to start downloading it.

I may end up divorced if I don’t wear my head phones though, my husband hates her. Crazy fool!

A Day in the Life of Stella

Breigh — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 07:34:30 +0000

What a life! When I die I want to go back in time and come back as Stella. I figure if reincarnation is possible then time travel must be too.

This is such a great video! I’d love to make something like that for a day in the life of Bailey or Pixel. Get a photo of them running out of their crate in the morning and legging it to the living room to see if Spencer left any food behind, lazing on the footstool in the sun, going for a walk, eating some poop, giving kisses (sigh), playing fetch, you know… the usual day to day stuff.

I just love seeing people who love and appreciate their pets. Videos like this make me happy…

How I Got Punked For April Fool’s

Breigh — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 14:22:12 +0000

So, today is April Fool’s day… and it started out like this, when I sent out a warning to the internet on Twitter (and Facebook).

You see, there are a lot of things I hate, cuz I’m like that, I’m a hater… and I really hate 1) being startled 2) being tricked. The reason for this is because it is SO DAMN EASY. I am both jumpy and gullible by nature so I really am easy pickings when it comes to things like April Fool’s day and those viral videos that make you jump out of your skin.

If you are friends with me on Twitter or Facebook, you’ve seen that I’ve come to the decision that I am going to part with my turtles. It has been a long time coming and was a very difficult decision. We need the space in our flat, we are tired of fighting the damp every winter and the mold that follows, we are tired of the windows being full of condensation every year… and I’m just finding the upkeep a bit too difficult.

So, today my husband and I were sitting on the sofa discussing what we were going to do and if we were going to rehome all of them or keep one, and if so which one. This was a difficult conversation for me because it’s hard enough to part with pets, but I am a hormonal mess at the moment, so even just discussing it had me almost in tears.

Then I heard the sound of someone messaging me on Twitter, and I went to look.

Translation: Homeowners Association: Because there are now so many dogs in the building, there are plans for a restriction of maximum 1 dog per household.

I’m really starting to wonder if he had his ear to the door before he sent me that message. It’s like he KNEW I was in the process of discussing rehoming pets!

No, I’m sure he didn’t, which when he reads this will make the entire thing even more comical on his end… but anyway.

I fell for it hook, line and sinker! I had totally forgotten that it was April Fool’s Day and I panicked, sending Xander to check the mail and his email to see if we had gotten the message. He was a shocked as I was, until he came back in the door and said “Wait a minute, maybe this is an April Fool’s Day joke!”

You’d think I’d clue in then, would you? Yeah, not so much. I needed confirmation! Until I actually heard him say it was a joke, there was a possibility that it was true!

He’s right, I did just have our new VVE guy on the phone and he DOES sound serious!! He was not very nice at all in fact! He seemed like just the type who would make a girl get rid of her dog! OH NO!!!

Translation: Have you read the email? There must have been complaints. It will be discussed at the next meeting. Strange, huh?!

He didn’t say it was a joke. I asked, and he didn’t admit to it… SO IT HAD TO BE TRUE!!

That was it, the panic was on and there was just no turning me off then. I had to know. I had to know RIGHT NOW if he was joking or not. Xander had his number in his mobile and he told me to call and ask him, but I had already been so buggered up from discussing rehoming the turtles, just from being in hormone overload that I knew I would have started crying the minute he answered the phone. Plus, I just hate talking on the phone. So I asked Xander to call him… then things got really bad.

Xander: YOU call him!

Me: NO, YOU call him!!

Xander: YOU want to know, you call him!

Me: OMG would you just call him!!

Xander: Call him and pretend to be all upset, oh that would be so funny!

Me: Who is pretending? Call him, call him now! Omg please call him. We can’t give a dog away! Can they do that? Does the VVE have that power? Oh god no we have to move!! You won’t make me give up one of the dogs right? YOU wouldn’t want to give up one of the dogs, would you? Would you give up one of the dogs?! That’s it we’ll just have to move.

Xander: *Laughing so hard he can’t speak*

Me: STOP LAUGHING!!!

Xander: *Doubles over, gasps for breath*

Me: I hate the phone, I hate calling people, YOU KNOW THAT CALL HIM DAMMIT!! I don’t want to have to give my dog away, I HAVE TO KNOW!

Xander: This is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen!!! *Choking with laughter by this point*

Me: *Starting to go all high pitched woman anger noise* CALLHIMCALLHIMNOWORIAMGOINGTOFREAKOUT!!!! (Already freaking out)

Xander: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! *Starting to taunt me now which really gets my back up*

Me: *Looking around for something non-breakable to throw* I am getting really mad!! I’m going to throw something!! YOU BETTER CALL HIM CALL HIM NOW I MEAN IT STOP LAUGHING!!!

Xander: This is HILARIOUS!!! *Laughing harder*

Me: *Completely irrational and crying by this time* I MEAN IT! I am going to throw this cutting board at you, I will throw it, don’t test me!! I will throw it you know I will you better call him I mean it CALL HIM RIGHT NOW that’s it I’m going to throw it!! *Raises arm to whiff it*

Xander: Jesus woman, alright… I’ll call!!

Me: thankyou.

So Xander phoned him and asked if he could forward the mail from the VVE, and he finally cracked and admitted that is was a joke. WHEW!! Ok, crisis averted. I don’t have to give away one of my dogs, I don’t have to move… but I do have to get revenge on my neighbour. Someday, somehow, I will make him pay.

He SO is. I’m not quite sure what I will do yet, but I will have my revenge. In the words of a crazy dude from MONK “When he least expects me, that’s when he can expect me!!”

Yep, he got me good… and I’m definitely laughing about it now that I’ve calmed down. He had the PERFECT timing with that joke at the very time I was discussing rehoming other pets, it’s like he’s psychic or something!

Oh man, This is war.

This was my Project 365 photo from last night. Me and my babies having a cuddle after dinner. Look at those faces, you’d freak out too at the thought of losing them! Ok, maybe not to the crying, screaming, exorcist head spinning way that I did, but still.

Yep, he’s in for it alright. It is ON like DONKEY KONG.

A Conversation I Never Thought I’d Be Having

Breigh — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 20:34:46 +0000

Today I said something I never thought I’d be saying to my husband. I don’t think he ever expected it either, but sometimes life brings you to places you never thought you’d be.

A little while ago I said the following words…

Honey, are you sure you don’t mind if I show everyone your sperm?

Really, how many people really ever have a situation where they have that conversation?!

Lucky for us, he doesn’t mind!

Today was our fifth IUI and while we were at the hospital the lady in the lab asked if we wanted to see Xander’s boys under the microscope. Umm, hell yeah we do!

It was SO cool to see! Of course, a few seconds after I saw it I thought hrmmm… if my eye can see them, maybe my camera can too! Sure enough, it worked! This photo is taken through the eye thingie on the microscope, cool huh?

It was a small sample that they use to look at the sperm during the sperm washing process. So none of these actually got to the final destination. They were the guiney pigs of sperm, so to speak.

It is a very stressful day for me, when we go for the IUI. I get extremely anxious and tense, so this sort of broke up the monotony and gave me something to giggle about for a few minutes, which was great.

I think I squealed a little when I realized that I actually managed to capture them on camera.

There are so many aspects of conceiving a child that we miss out on. For a lot of people it’s a really joyous occasion that doesn’t have any negativity connected to it at all. People make their babies the natural way, before tension and pressure manages to start to ruin their sex lives. They get to tell their children the “when two people love each other the man puts his…” story, whereas we’d perhaps end up telling the “Turkey Baster Story”.

As much as we will love a child if we are ever lucky enough to have one, the process has been grueling and we do feel like some of what other people get out of it has been ripped away from us.

Apparently there are some advantages of infertility though. How many women actually get photos of their man’s tadpoles?! The everyday woman who gets knocked up home in bed, in the backseat or on a park bench probably never get the opportunity to see the science of it all, and we have that all around us. That’s pretty cool…

Hey, every story needs a silver lining, and today this is mine!

Gonna Get My Hump On

Breigh — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 07:16:32 +0000

Yesterday I was whining about my weight issues with the fertility treatments, but I think my husband has found a solution! He shared this video with me and thinks it might be just what I need to kick my weight loss back into gear…

I’m not entirely sure, but I think he may have an ulterior motive.

Three Divas Hit Den Bosch

Breigh — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 21:55:15 +0000

Today my friends Penny, Paule and I went for a girl’s day out in ‘s-Hertogenbosch (or Den Bosch, as most people call it). It was cold and rainy but we made the best of it and shopped, ate and just enjoyed each other’s company.

Much like our visit to Bergen op Zoom we had a lot of fun browsing through jewelry and we did get a little silly at one point.

Paule started it, so really it could be said that it was her fault.

Oh, Hello Dahlink!

Yes, she may have started it but it took no effort to get me to join in. Did someone say Feather Boa?!

Penny also joined in after Paule and I started piling accessories on her… we tried to get her to wear bunny ears but she wasn’t having any of it!

I took photos around the city that I will share later. I’m tired now and I just couldn’t wait to get these ones off the camera and get a look at them. I will be back with the rest tomorrow.

Have I mentioned how much I love these girls?

Do You Lie Clittojayl?

Breigh — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 19:03:32 +0000

Today while I was getting my nails done Ellen showed me this video. I laughed my ass off as I was watching it and asked her to send me the url so I could share it on my blog.

I think she asked me if I liked glitter gel about 10 times, causing us both to go into convulsions laughing.

If any of you have ever gone to one of the Asian Nail Farms, as I call them, you’ll understand why this is so damn funny.

DOYOULIECLITTOJAYL?!!

Fun with Faela

Breigh — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 21:07:08 +0000

Last night our friends Paule and Warnoud came over with their daughter Faela. You may have heard me mention Faela a few times. Cutie patootie that can talk the hind leg off a mule? Ring a bell? I am so completely enamored with this child, I almost pushed her parents out the door and kept her all to myself. I was just worried that Warnoud might refuse to ever make his creme brulee for us again, so I reluctantly let them take her.

One thing I love about Faela is that she allows me to take her photo and doesn’t shy away. Photos have become a common theme in our visits lately as she has started enjoying taking them as much as being in them. I especially loved how when she’d see a camera, she’d stop dead, smile and look pretty.

Oh those were the days…

You have no idea how much I went through to get this adorable photo of her last night.

Sweet, isn’t she?

As I said, a lot of work went into getting that photo, because before there was that, there was this.

The Melty Face.

and this… The Silent Scream.

The Cheek Squasher.

The “Eye Spy”.

The Wacky Winker…

Oh and my most favorite of all…

The OH NO YOU DI’INT!!!

The only way I could get her to smile or do any pretty photos was with the promise of first taking as many wacky photos of her as I could. I even tried to get a cute one of us together, some came out blurry because I couldn’t stop laughing.

OK Faela, now show us your mad face! I say to her…

Well done!

If you can’t beat them, join them, right??

Ok, now a normal one, smile pretty!

Yeah right, dream on! MAGIC HANDS!!!

Oh Faela, I love you so, you crazy crazy girl!

P.S. I also love her parents, just in case they were feeling left out!