Canadutch » Tantrums & Rants

WTH Facebook?! W.T.H?!

Breigh — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 16:17:36 +0000

I thought I was imagining things. Then I thought that my phone just took really crappy photos… but that’s not the case. Facebook is killing my mobile photos and I want to know why!

I have a HTC Desire and other than a few small things (like the constant messages about running out of internal storage) I can’t complain. I don’t do as much with it as a lot of people, I rarely phone but I do msg people and upload photos to Facebook and all the usual stuff.

Just the other day I had uploaded a photo and was thinking what shitty photos my phone takes, but then I took a photo at sunset today and on my phone it looked nice and colorful, but when I uploaded it to Facebook it was completely dull. What the heck is going on?!

I decided to hold up my camera to the photo on my laptop screen and take a photo with my point and shoot camera. See the difference? I took the photo in the first place because when I went to the balcony to check something, I was stopped in my tracks by the beautiful blue and orange-ish pink colors in the sky. I took a photo and quickly uploaded it to Facebook and what I ended up seeing on my screen was the photo on the right. The colors in this photo aren’t exactly right, as it’s a photo of a photo of a photo, but you can definitely see the difference between what I took on my phone and what I got once it was uploaded to Facebook….

Again, I ask W.T.H????

I’ve had this problem previously between Photoshop and Flickr, and it turned out that it was a setting that I had to change in the color settings. I had it to one setting but I had to set it to something else that was better for uploading photos to the web, and the problem was solved. I can’t figure it out with my phone though. Am I doomed to upload washed out photos from my mobile?!

I was going to ask this on Facebook but then I realized that the color would just be washed out again upon uploading it and the difference might not be visible. Although, I generally don’t have as MUCH of a problem anymore when uploading photos from my cameras (used to be gawdawful but it has improved)… now it it just seems to be the mobile uploads that are completely washed out after uploading.

Does anyone know why this might be happening or how I can fix it? I know it’s just mobile photos but I just can’t stand not having the same photo show up as the one I took and wanted to share in the first place. Help!

*Edit* Here is another photo comparison of a screenshot of a photo after it was uploaded and a photo of what it looks like on the phone. Man oh man this is bugging me.

Review: Le Jardin de Saint Adrien

Breigh — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 06:38:29 +0000

On the same day that my husband and I visited Salagou and Moureze with my mother-in-law, we also went to visit Le Jardin de Saint Adrien. It’s a beautiful privately owned garden that was created from the ruins of an old rock quarry. It is actually someone’s back yard! In the summer months they open it up as a public garden for people to view it, and we were there just at the right time of year.

My MIL had been there previously with some friends and really liked it, so we decided to make this our last stop for the day. I didn’t get as many photos as I would have liked, it was the hottest part of the day and the sun was blazing, but I got the most important bits.

By the time we arrived, we had run out of water and were all totally parched and warm. The plan was to visit the gardens, have a drink and a bite to eat and then head out. It didn’t go quite according to plan though.

Before we paid to get in, we double checked that they had a little café where we could get a drink, and were told that they did. So we paid and headed into the gardens. We decided that before we even bothered walking around that we’d look for the café, but when we got there all the tables had been pushed back with stacks of pizzas on them and some women were there pouring juice. My MIL asked them where we could buy drinks, and the woman pouring the juice acted like we were a total nuisance. She said that they were busy and the café wasn’t open.

Uhhh… well we were after asking that specifically before we went in, and we were all so thirsty and tired by that point that we had no patience for this at all. My MIL continued trying to talk to the lady, asking if there was any way we could even get a glass of water, and she pretty much told us to piss off. Nice! I hadn’t even seen the gardens by this point but I was already set to leave.

Thankfully, my MIL is not the type to just let something like this go. She went outside of the café and found a guy who looked like he was in charge and told him about the response we’d gotten from the lady inside. He explained to her that they were setting up for a tour group that was there to see a concert (we could see the large group of people on the other side of the gardens) and continued to tell her how it was inconvenient that we were there looking for drinks while they were starting to set up for this party.

Boy did he pick the wrong woman to mess with. My MIL then proceeded to tear a strip off him and ask how inconvenient can it be to give people who paid to enter the gardens a glass of water in that kind of heat? I mean, she really gave him a what for. Then he said if we waited until the group came around we could probably mix into the crowd and get a drink then. So basically, crash the party. I could do that!

That’s when we walked around the gardens. We were all so stunned, pissed off and warm that while we did still see the beauty in the place, a big part of it was spoiled for us. I took some photos but by the time we got part way around the garden we saw the party gathering to get their food and drinks, so we kind of motored through the rest of the place so we could go get our drinks.

When we went into the café area, they had orange juice that they were filling glasses half way with and then filling the rest with water. I don’t know if they thought the juice was too expensive or what but at that point we didn’t care, it was wet! It wasn’t nearly enough though, I put mine back with one gulp and was still dying of thirst but I just did not want to face that heinous bitch again. She was busy pouring drinks at this little table so my MIL had tried to pour herself a glass of water, and the woman literally wrenched the bottle of water out of her hands.

I wonder, did the people spend so much on this garden that they aren’t getting the return they had hoped to get? Are they THAT broke that they need to squabble over WATER?! We had even told them we’d be happy with tap water and were still told to get lost, so I’m not sure what the problem was, to be honest.

I think my MIL was more disappointed than anyone. She was so excited to show us this place, as she’d really loved it the first time she went and she knew I’d love taking photos there. We could tell that she was really angry and disappointed with how our visit had gone, but it wasn’t her fault. I’m sure that if you go on any regular afternoon when there is nothing else going on, it’s great. You can probably sit and have a drink, then comfortably stroll around the gardens, just like we had intended.

If you go when there is some sort of group there or activity going on you are screwed, because I just don’t think they are set up to handle those kinds of situations. The words “biting off more than you can chew” come to mind.

In the end, we decided we’d had enough of the place and ended up taking our empty bottles from the car and filling them up in a bathroom outside the gardens. I think it’s safe to say, I’d never make it in the desert.

All in all, this is a beautiful garden and it’s amazing what they have done with it. I think it’s worth seeing if you are in the area, but I wouldn’t count on them for anything and if you are there in the dead of summer like we were? – Don’t trust the people at the entrance, and bring your own drinks! Also, be sure to check their opening hours as they aren’t your usual 9-5 type of hours, it’s more like a few hours once or twice a week.

Have I Been Living in The Netherlands Too Long?

Breigh — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 09:17:06 +0000

A friend shared this article on Facebook earlier and the list made me laugh a bit because a fair few of them really do apply to me! Some not, but many… oh hell yes.

I’m sorry, I just had to stop at number 81 and come back up here to say that this is quite possibly the most ridiculous NL list I’ve ever seen, but since I actually GOT to 81 I am too stubborn to stop, and therefore, I insist on still sharing it with the rest of you. I should have read the entire thing before running to my blog to post it but I didn’t, I read the first few and was all “YAY this is great!”.

Not great, not great at all.

**************************************************************************

1/ You have a bike – I do!! I haven’t been riding it much lately though. :/

2/ You even know how to brake using retropedaling – My bike has brakes on the handlebars. So, no.

3/ Walking from your faculty to the cafeteria has become unimaginable. You take your bike, even if it’s for 50meters – This one would have to be a no too.

4/ Eating 7 slides of bread for lunch doesn’t scare you anymore – Eating even two slices scares me, but that’s my low carb diet. I can’t deny that the Dutch are a VERY HIGH carb country! It’s all about the boterham!

5/ By the way, you stopped eating warm lunch. You just eat bread – I do eat warm lunches but it’s not the norm here.

6/ You know what a kroket is, and you learned to avoid the orange ones – Yep, but I avoid them ALL.

7/ It doesn’t surprise you anymore to eat at 18:30 – This one is very true! If we haven’t eaten by 7pm we are starving.

8/ You drink beer – No country will ever make me do that. Yuck.

9/ You got used to trance and electro music – Even though my husband loves it, I still hate it.

10/ You don’t cheat on the train, because controllers are EVERYWHERE – Absolutely, it’s not worth the risk!

11/ When the cafeteria is crowed, you line up neately with the others – It’s just the right thing to do!

12/ You used to use cash all the time, but now you have a pin card – I am always the one at a dinner with friends who smacks my forehead and says “I forgot to get money out, I’ll have to pin!”

13/ You think ducks are cute – I always did.

14/ As soon as the sun pops out, you make a barbecue, even if it’s 10°C outside – If we had a garden, I totally would.

15/ You think 15°C is warm – I’m Canadian, 15 degrees is warm!

16/ You know winter stops in May, and not March as everywhere else – Oh this is rubbish, April is beautiful in the Netherlands!

17/ You don’t remember what a moutain looks like – I remember, I also remember there’s an N in it. MouNtain.

18/ You still don’t know how to speak Dutch. But your English has improved – I speak… Dunglish.

19/ You know what Surinam is. And where it is – Yeah I know where it is, because I just Googled it.

20/ You never go out without your bike lights – I don’t take my bike lights usually, that would require actually taking my bike too!

21/ You think butter in a bottle is normal – Wtf? Are we talking about the same country?

22/ You know that all the guys are in Delft. And the girls, everywhere else, especially Leiden – I’ve been married pretty much since I got here, I dunno where the guys are.

23/ You go to Leiden on Saturday – No, I don’t. Should I? What is in Leiden on a Saturday? Is there something I should know?

24/ You’ve been to a flower park, and thought it was cool – I admit it, I’ve been to Keukenhof once. Ok twice. FINE THREE TIMES!

25/ You’re ok with having only one flavour of ice cream (the white ones) – I most certainly am not!

26/ You don’t even bother to ask “do you speak English?”, you just speak English right away – Isn’t this something you do more when you first get here, rather than when you’ve been here too long? This isn’t true…

27/ When you go to the cinema, you are ok with being told where to sit – I kind of prefer it, to be honest.

28/ And you wouldn’t dare sit anywhere else – Not after seeing people being told to move that time, I wouldn’t.

29/ You have finally accepted the fact that Gouda is cheese – I don’t get it… when was it not cheese?

30/ Paying 6€ for a meal in the cafeteria seems normal – I don’t eat in a cafeteria but if I did I don’t think I’d kick up a stink…

31/ You know how to repair a bike – Yes, by saying “Honey, can you fix my bike?!”

32/ You eat potatoes at least once a day – No, but I think a lot of the Dutch do!

33/ You always check the weather before leaving home – Yes, and usually regret it because it’s rarely ever right anyway and changes every five minutes.

34/ You know what it is being late and having to wait for a boat to cross the bridge – I live in Rotterdam Zuid so yeah, had my share of moments waiting for the Erasmusbrug to close!

35/ You can drink milk at any time of the day – Can’t everyone?

36/ Sometimes, you only drink milk as lunch – What weirdo wrote this? I’ve never seen anyone have only milk as lunch.

37/ You have tried karnemelk at least once – No, I still haven’t. I keep meaning to but never get around to it.

38/ You start liking dropjes – Blech, I tried loads but still am not a fan.

39/ For you something sweet means straubwaffels – I have never tried a straubwaffel but Stroopwafels are great!

40/ Spring means flowers blooming and construction sites opening up all over the place – Yes, and home renovations, so our flat is always noisy.

41/ Being tall gets a new meaning – Yes, it’s called being a giant.

42/ Blonde is back to being a hair-color, not a concept – Yeah, it’s sort of the norm here.

43/ you have 4 seasons in one day – On a GOOD day!

44/ you can start a mail to your teacher who happens to be a doctor by “yo, wassup doc” (exaggeration can get the message through) — Huh? This doesn’t make any sense…

45/ You think that paying to use the toilets is normal. – It is normal here, it also ensures a CLEAN toilet, so I can live with it. I know the fact that I said that proves this one.

46/ You know that kapsalon is not a typical turkish dish, but a hairdresser – Okaaay…

47/ You start to think that the strange position of the hole in the WC is not that disgusting – I’ll never stop being disgusted and annoyed with the shape of the toilet bowls here. I would always rather that than some of the toilets (ie… holes in the floor) I’ve been forced to use in France though!

48/ You find it easier to find a good joint that a good coffee – I don’t look for joints or coffee.

49/ You have the AH bonus card – Doesn’t everyone?

50/ Your windows have no curtains, and you don’t care – They do, and I do.

51/ If your windows have curtains, you don’t use them, and just don’t care who might be looking at you – I have them and I care.

52/ For you, light rain is not rain – Rain is rain…

53/ Professors write a “well done” comment in your assignment and still grade you with a 6 – This is starting to make more sense to me, I’m starting to think it was written by some college dude. Explains knowing where all the girls are at.

54/ You can drink beer in the cinema (good) – I suppose I could if I wanted to, which I don’t. Yep, definitely a college dude.

55/ 10°C is warm enough to wear a short or mini skirt – Nobody wants to see me in a mini skirt.

56/ You can ride your bike in the rain, wind and even snow — I don’t ride it in the sun, I’m not riding it in any of that shit.

57/ guys are very cute – A gay college dude?

58/ you can ride your bike wearing skirt (if you’re a girl), a suit or even high heels (if you’re a girl) – Enough with the bikes already!

59/ When you start having strong opinion even if you vaguely know the topic — I suppose so..

60/ When you “wash” the dishes with soap without rincing them – I don’t know how to rince dishes. I rinse them though… with water.

61/ “alstublieft and dank u wel” are the only dutch words you know – Again, how is this something that says ‘in the country too long”???

62/ You aren’t surprised anymore that the disco closes at 4 (but it still pisses you off) – I WAKE UP at 4…

63/ You learn to bike without using your hands on the handle – Again with the bikes.

64/ You go to the market and you only buy the stuffs that fit in you bike – *sigh*

65/ Riding a bike and driking coffee/smoking/eating lunch at the same time is not a problem any more – We get it, BIKES. If you like bikes, you’ve been here too long BIIIIIIKES.

66/ You reformulate the saying “if you drink, don’t drive” by “if you drink, don’t ride” – I have never said that but I guess I would in the right circumstance.

67/ You’ve been asked where the coffeeshop is – I may have at some point, I don’t remember.

68/ You start wearing orange during soccer events, even when you’re not dutch – Guilty!

69/ You get used not to use napkins when eating. You just eat dirtily. – Is this English? Wtf…

70/ You know what GVD stands for – I do.

71/ You can never predict the weather and can not believe the weather forecast anymore – We already addressed this one didn’t we? Someone ran out of ideas at 45 I think!

72/ You wait for the light to go green before crossing the street, even if there is no car – It’s the rules!

73/ You sometimes eat only with a spoon – Dutch people are more weird than I thought. I never heard of this.

74/ You tried fried fish from the caravans at least once – No, and I never will.

75/ You clap the lecturer (just because he’s been speaking for 2 hours) – Yes, at photo club meetings. If someone does a presentation isn’t clapping polite?

76/ You run to Albert Heijn at 21.55 to get some beer for the party that night – Oh yes, all the time. *sigh* COLLEGE DUDE. This is a “You know you are 19 in the Netherlands” list, not you know you’ve been here too long list.

77/ Trees planted in straight rows/ aka the forest/ seems normal – Huh?

78/ You think you understand why they don’t serve coffee at coffeeshops (but you’re not sure yet) – Again, a newbie mistake, no? Not that you’ve been here too long.

79/ You steal a bike at the station because the night before someone stole yours – Whaaaaaaa?

80/ You think it is okay to eat multicoloured sprinkels on bread for breakfast – No, I don’t.

81/ You use 9292ov.nl to go to the supermarket – Yes, because that’s something people do when they’ve been here too long?

82/ You know that the wind blows in your face regardless of the direction in which you are biking – No, only when I bike into the wind.

83/ You don’t even try to park in an unauthorised area just to ‘pick something up in 5min’, because you know you will get a ticket in 30secondes – I don’t drive, but this spelling is starting to drive me mental. UNAUTHORIZED!! SECONDS!! Spell check much?!

84/ When you move out of your apartment, you know you might have to take the floors with you – This one still boggles my mind.

85/ Stepping in doggiepoo on the sideawalk becomes almost a daily thing – Don’t even get me started!

86/ You end up eating super greasy food at 5am at FEBO or ALEV (Delft) — No I can’t say I’ve ever done anything at 5am in Delft, I live in Rotterdam.

87/ And after that, you manage to bike home still completely wasted and go to class at 8:45 – Oh FFS did someone get this list from a TU Delft forum or something?

88/ You need an appointement to talk with your friends. Or your mother. – I make appointments (NO E) yes, but I’m starting to like it that way.

89/ You enjoy making tourists jump off the bike path – Umm, no, not usually.

90/ You paid more for the lock of your bike than for the bike itselft – Doesn’t everyone?

91/ Real bread? You’ve made your peace with it. It doesn’t exist – What is the bread we eat made of? Lego? Clearly this person has never experienced Wonderbread.

92/ You know that the Netherlands doesn’t have a special dish. They just fry everything – Hello, Stamppot??

93/ You know getting a couch will be difficult because it doesn’t fit through the door. Windows maybe? – This happens in every country.

94/ You’re ok spending Queen’s Day in the train because people are walking on the rails – No, I’d never be ok with that.

95/ Yap, Joost and Jeroen are the names of most of the Dutch guys you know – How does this say I’ve been in NL too long?

96/ when the sun pops up all your Dutch friends are wearing beach flip flops – Uh, I guess..

97/ Dutch people ask you why don’t you speak Dutch? – They do that no matter how long you’ve been here.

98/ You still don’t speak Dutch but watch silly Dutch TV shows like Take me out and Single – Yes, I’ve done that from time to time.

99/ You have been in a relationship with at least one Dutch person – I’ve been in a relationship with a Dutch person since the day I got here. Again, nothing to do with how long I’m here.

100/ You are used to people bumping into you abruptly on the street, yet never saying sorry – Nope, still not used to it.

**************************************************************************

What a stupid, STUPID list this is… I almost feel ashamed for even posting it but I am because I spent the time writing those answers. I’d love to know who wrote this list, I get the feeling it was that drunk college dude from Delft who just biked home at 5am after seeing all those girls in Leiden.

Mother of GOD, I have seen some silly shit in my day but this is bad. Actually I take it back, this couldn’t be a college guy. There’s no way they’d let the person who wrote this into college… no way.

100 Steps To Go

Breigh — Wed, 25 May 2011 05:32:26 +0000

Last month I wrote an update on what the current situation is in regards to the fertility treatments. In short, I have had six rounds of IUI (artificial insemination) with no luck, now I need to take a break to lose a further 15-20 kilos before we can start treatments again.

I was a bit worried about how it was all going to go. I wanted the hormones out of my system so I could feel normal again, and it worked. Once they were gone I felt much more myself, the clouds in my head started to part and I was happy again. Well, as happy as I could be at that time.

The problem is, it was like I went into a sort of denial. I just didn’t think about it. I didn’t have to go to the hospital, I didn’t have to take any medication, I didn’t have hormones blasting through me and I wasn’t having any treatments. I was just me, living life and not thinking about hospitals or babies.

I even started eating the way I should and lost 8 lbs in the first 1.5 weeks, I was feeling great!

That was, until I went to the hospital for my ‘checking in’ appointment. The one where we were to sit down and discuss exactly what the plan is from here. I knew generally what the plan was but there were a few details we needed to iron out. Mainly, exactly how much weight I had to lose and what treatments we’d be doing when the weight is gone. They want me to do three more IUI with more weight off to see if my chances improve, and if that doesn’t work then move on to IVF. Which means possibly having as many treatments again as I’ve just had… and that felt like it went on forever.

It was almost like I had post traumatic stress disorder or something. From the minute I got in the car I could feel myself getting anxious. I didn’t want to go, I wanted to stay home and blissfully avoid thinking about it… but I couldn’t, we had to figure these things out and make a plan.

When I walked through the doors of the hospital my anxiety levels went through the roof. I got this weird feeling like my insides were shaking. Like my body was still but all my organs were shivering. I don’t know if I’m the only one that happens to but it’s a bizarre and uncomfortable feeling that just got worse the longer I was there.

It was raining that day and Xander dropped me off at the door. As I stood inside the entrance waiting for him, a woman walked through the door. She was heavily pregnant and I just couldn’t stop staring. I’m sure she’s probably used to, at least I hope so, because I just couldn’t look away. It was then that it all hit me… before that I was anxious and felt strange but my mind was still reasonably functional. When I saw that woman, I felt like Wile E. Coyote getting crushed by my own ten-ton boulder. I suddenly felt this crushing weight coming down on me and it was hard to breathe. It hit me… THAT is why I am here, I remember now. Not that I forgot, it just wasn’t as fresh and raw in my mind until I got that reminder.

I tried to work through it and not let it show as Xander came in and we made our way up to the gynecology department. Thankfully the waiting room was empty and we didn’t even wait five minutes… but during our appointment I could hardly think because I was working so hard to stop myself from crying. It was the same as we stood at reception waiting for them to sort out blood work papers and follow-up appointments. All I could think was, type faster… please just give me my card so I can leave before I embarrass myself! Honestly, I hardly spoke and Xander made all the arrangements.

I couldn’t get out of the hospital quick enough, it was like there was no air in the building and I was rushing for the doors just to be able to catch my breath. When I got to the car I fell to pieces… I cried and sobbed while saying how I didn’t even understand why I was crying at all, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I guess I wasn’t as ‘over it’ as I thought I was.

It was probably silly of me to think I would be. It was a long and difficult year for me so far and I should have known that just stopping the hormones wasn’t going to suddenly make everything better. I was just eager to get back to my normal life without all of this surrounding me every day and didn’t take the time to deal with my feelings about everything.

I know now why I had the reaction I did, because it was a cold hard slap of reality. It made me realize that it’s not over. Not even close. In fact, depending on how many more treatments I need to have, I’m not even half through. When you factor in the time I’m going to have to spend trying to lose more weight, I’m not even 1/3 of the way through. I don’t have a break at all, there is no break, there is only hard work, stress and an incredible amount of pressure.

All of a sudden that blissful avoidance came to a screeching halt and panic and depression took over. Losing weight is so hard even in the best of situations, having this sort of pressure and feeling like our entire lives depend on it makes it so much more difficult. I’m an emotional eater, I always have been, and how do I lose weight when I am feeling this way? For the past week I’ve been in a total funk, I’ve been eating things I know I shouldn’t and hating myself for it… which, of course, just makes me feel worse. It’s a spiral and I am spinning around screaming inside of it.

I think a part of me is angry. I’m angry that I spent 6 months of my life NOT losing weight… and all for nothing. I went through all those treatments, the months of hormone insanity and I have nothing to show for it. My weight is now what it was in October of last year, and when I think of the weight I COULD be at if I hadn’t had those treatments, it pisses me off!

I also think a part of me is scared. I want to lose weight to look and feel good, but there is a small part of me that dreads … DREADS… even the idea of starting the medications, emotional turmoil and poking and prodding again. So maybe I am somehow subconsciously sabotaging myself by stuffing my face and not losing the weight I should be right now?

I don’t know. All I know is that I’m struggling, mentally and physically. I’m struggling to find the strength to get over this next hurdle of losing the weight. I’m afraid that I am going to spend even more time fighting and working towards a goal that may never happen. If I feel this way now, how angry am I going to be a year from now when it’s all over and I possibly have nothing to show for it?

I know what I have to do. I have to go through the dreaded detox period of my diet again. I need to get the sugar and cravings out of my system, find the strength to give myself the boundaries I used to have and get the weight off once and for all. I also need to learn how to deal with people who criticize my choice of diet and actively try to convince me that I should be eating things like ice cream and cake, because it’s fun. They don’t understand the pressure I am under and while I know some part of them must mean well, I really wonder would they ask an alcoholic to just have a few shots with them… because it’s fun and they should be enjoying life.

Anyhow, I can’t say that today is going to be the day I make the change. Maybe it won’t even be tomorrow, or Sunday. I’m going to get there though. I’ve found the motivation and strength to do it before, it’s just a little harder now because I have some mental shit I need to sort through before I can take this on.

For now, I consider my first step just acknowledging the fact that I’m struggling rather than avoiding it and hoping it magically sorts itself out. I know I’m in trouble and I need to get my head on straight, so that will be what I work on first. Coming to terms with the fact that this is a much more long and difficult road than I thought I was going to be on. Dealing with my feelings of disappointment and anger, which are pretty huge right now.

Then I can deal with the diet…

For now, this will be my theme song, it really hits home with me because it’s exactly how I feel at the moment. I made my first step, I acknowledged and admitted that I’m struggling. I’ve made it 99…

The Day I Almost Killed a Cyclist

Breigh — Sun, 01 May 2011 13:14:34 +0000

Rant incoming!

It’s about people, and how they suck… and the rules of the road in the Netherlands that I just don’t understand!

Today my husband and I were driving to the supermarket, and he nearly hit a biker with the car. We both instantly thought that the guy was in the wrong, and apparently he thought the same about us.

Here’s the scene:

We were driving along the street when we came along one of these weird dremples (speed bumps) with the pole next to it. The reddish lane is a bicycle lane, but this old-ish lady in a schooter was sat in that lane chatting with her two friends (the two on the right in the blue).

The biker WAS in the bicycle lane, but because the woman was blocking the way, he swerved out to go around the pole on the OTHER side, then I don’t know if he realized he knew them or what, but he stopped – DEAD, like, on a dime.

Xander, assuming he was continuing on was driving along like normal behind him and had to slam on the break, just stopping in time before hitting him, and the guy was REALLY angry. He came to the window giving Xander crap about how he is supposed to stop AT ALL TIMES if someone is at a crosswalk, on and on and on. The old bitch in the scooter kept giving her two cents as well, the entire time she was yelling and getting in the middle of it all. The biker was at my window, so I had him and Xander yelling at each other on either side of me, far too fast for me to follow properly or get my own two cents in, so all I could do was yell at her to STFU and let them sort it out.

Here’s the problem. He was NOT stopping to cross the crosswalk, he was on a bike and the crosswalk leads to the tram on the left. He stopped dead because he recognized the people and started talking to them… so he wasn’t in the cross walk because he was going to use it, he stopped in a cross walk to talk to the people who were next to it. He was also still ON his bike, and if I’m not mistaken that’s not supposed to be the case either. If he is crossing a crosswalk as a pedestrian he should be getting OFF his bike and walking it across.. OR continue on and cross at the intersection.

Everyone around him (ie… his FRIENDS) were telling him oh yes you were right you were right, but I don’t see how this is right at all!

First of all, he should have stayed in the bike lane where he belonged. By coming out onto where we were he was essentially switching lanes and you don’t switch lanes and then stop DEAD in front of the cars behind you. This all goes back to the old bitch sitting in the middle of the bicycle path and not moving. It’s her fault really…

Anyway, he was convinced that it was Xander’s fault basically because “I am on a bike and I am at a crosswalk therefor whatever happens it is your fault!”, surely that can’t be right. I mean I know the law falls largely on the side of the cyclist but it can’t be that cut and dry, can it!? Wouldn’t the fact that he not only swerved out in front of traffic, leaving the designated bicycle lane and was ON his bike stopping in a crosswalk he wasn’t even going to USE, rather just to chat to people on the sidewalk matter?!!

UGH sometimes I hate people. As we drove away I fantasized about all the things I would have loved to do, like pushing him off his bike and then beating mouthy scooter bitch with it, throwing him in front of a tram, you know… the usual in need of anger management type of stuff you feel after those kinds of situations. I swear, if I had been more confident with the language and a little less shocked about the whole thing, he would have wished Xander just ran him over and killed him to spare him the pain of my wrath.

So, what is your opinion? Was Xander totally at fault here simply because he was the one in the car, or does the cyclist also have some ownership in the situation? I’m really curious what would have been decided by the police if Xander actually HAD hit the guy… the fact that Xander could have been found to be completely at fault BAFFLES me. BAFFLES!!

Even Brando Liked Some Wang

Breigh — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 22:35:18 +0000

I saw a video today that I really liked. It’s part of the It Gets Better movement, which is a collection of messages from people all over the world, including celebrities, aimed at gay teenagers who suffer at the hands of bullies.

I love this video because it’s funny, it’s cool and it has a great message. I also love it because at the end she takes the time to make the point that it’s not just gay teens who get bullied, something I think a lot of people forget. Kids get bullied because they are too fat, too skinny, they wear glasses, their clothes are weird, their friends aren’t cool enough, or any number of reasons that seem completely absurd when you look back on them as adults.

I was picked on a lot as a child because I was bigger than the other kids. Some of the kids were merciless, others were just young and stupid and had no idea how hurtful the things they said really were.

I remember a boy in elementary school making jokes about my score on the Richter scale when I was doing gymnastics in gym glass. I didn’t even know what the Richter scale was, so when I found out, not only did he make me feel fat, he made me feel stupid too.

I remember being on a soccer team when I was in elementary school and the boys teasing me and calling me ‘Bubbles’ because I developed breasts before the rest of the girls, which they assumed was because I was fat. Maybe they were right… that didn’t make it any less embarrassing.

I remember when I was 14 and the first boy I ever really liked called me a whale after we ‘broke up’.

I remember a lot more instances when people said or did things to me because I was overweight, more than I care to list here.

I am 35 years old and I still remember them all like it was yesterday. What does that tell you?

Even though the majority of us make it through and move on, these moments stay with us for a lifetime. There are tiny scars that we carry with us as we get older, behaviors that form because of the hurt we felt as children when people tell us we aren’t normal or there is something wrong with us.

I love this video and love the It Gets Better message, because I think it’s something ALL teens need to hear.

When Project Baby and Project Fatass Collide

Breigh — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 17:42:24 +0000

In order to start with my fertility treatments I had to lose over 80 lbs. Here in the Netherlands they won’t give you hormone treatments unless you are beneath a certain BMI, due to the risk of hypertension and other complications. I did really well for about 1.5 years, but I had no idea how difficult it was going to be once I started the hormone therapy.

This stuff is making me batshit crazy, and hungry! It’s like PMS all month long. Seriously, it’s absolute insanity!

For months I followed a very strict diet which excluded most carbs, all sugar and processed foods. Once I got past the detox stage it was a breeze. I made it through three weeks in Canada, I made it through Christmas… but once the hormone injections started, it was game over. I haven’t been able to make it through this.

I’ve been trying, I really have, but as each month goes by it’s getting more and more difficult. I am a stress eater, an emotional eater and any woman knows that our appetites increase during that time of the month. With the hormones, it’s always like that time of the month. I’m also usually stressed and emotional, which makes it like a constant cycle of fighting myself in regards to food.

On the one hand, I want to be really good. I want to continue losing in spite of all that is going on because I want to be rid of all this weight once and for all. On the other hand, fighting the hormones and my own brain with trying to stay on my diet and not gain weight is stressing me out even further, which I’m sure isn’t helping in the baby department.

So I go back and forth… constantly.

There are certain times where I am ok. Not good, just OK. Where I can keep something that appears to be a bit of self control. Other times, I’m like a shark in a feeding frenzy and I can’t seem to make it stop. I am hungry all day and no amount of self pep-talking helps.

It gets really confusing, being an emotional eater that is having this therapy, because it’s really hard to tell what is really the cause of my indulgences. Is it my brain, that loves to make me want to eat anyway using the drugs as a convenient excuse to let loose? OR, are the drugs mainly to blame?

Last month I had had enough, and in the short period of time I had between the injections I once again did the detox portion of the diet. I did really really well and my fifth and final day of the detox was on a Sunday, then on Monday I had the one final whopper of an injection. By Wednesday I would have eaten the dogs if I could have caught them! There was no stopping me, nothing was safe.

Am I weak or am I just suffering an unfortunate side effect that comes along with the medications?

Of course, my insecurities alone are enough to convince me that I’m weak and this is just me giving up on the weight loss thing, but the doctors tell me it’s normal. They should know, right?

Perhaps it’s a bit of both… maybe the drugs really are causing my appetite to go out of control, and the stress of everything is making it more difficult for me to stay strong. I don’t think I can blame the drugs 100% because I’d like to think to some degree that it’s mind over matter, but sometimes I wake up with the absolute best of intentions and then it all goes to shit.

Take this past Monday, for example. The Friday before I had started seeing signs that our latest IUI was unsuccessful (girls, you know what I’m talking about, it starts with an S and rhymes with uhh, dotting). I was SO bummed out, like… incredibly. I got up on Saturday morning, put on a happy face and went out with my girlfriends. I had a choice… try to be as good as possible and maybe find myself still frustrated and unhappy at the end of the day, possibly bringing my friends down with me, or say fuck it and go have a good time without stressing about what I eat.

I said fuck it and I had a great time. I’d start being good on Sunday.

Sunday rolled around and well, let’s just say there was absolutely no doubt about the lack of success of our IUI. Hell week had officially begun. Dammit. So I spent most of that day avoiding the world and trying to do things on my own that didn’t make me think about the month ahead too much. I failed miserably and when we went out for groceries I got some Oreos to take my misery out on.

I drowned those bastards. Then I ate them.

Then I felt guilty.

Monday. MONDAY was going to be the day! The day I got my act together and went back into diet mode!

Monday morning I phoned the hospital to find out what our plan of attack was going to be for this coming month. They phoned us back to tell us that they were changing my medication to something much stronger, and that it could no longer be done as it had been done the previous month… it was time for me to learn to do proper injections.

You see, with the medication I’d been taking previously I could use a needle like a diabetic’s pen. I still had to go to the hospital to learn how to use it but it was pretty simple. Stick the thing in the thing, turn the knob, poke it in and press the button. Nothing too scary, no having to worry about air bubbles or mixing meds.

The new medication was different. It would require me to mix it, use a proper syringe and watch for air bubbles and look all nurse like. This made me pretty nervous but I figured if I dealt with the other injections I’d make it through this ok.

Only one problem. They don’t use this particular medication very often so they didn’t have it at the hospital. Our local pharmacy didn’t have it, nor did any of the pharmacies connected to it, so the lady at the hospital asked if we could call around looking for it as it would be faster than her trying to do it with all the interruptions there. The medication could have waited a day but they strongly suggested we try really hard to find it as it’d be better for me to start as soon as possible.

I was starting to wig out and thankfully my husband was home and didn’t mind calling around. After calling multiple pharmacies and finally getting one to call the distribution center to see where they’ve dropped it off lately, we found ONE pharmacy in the ENTIRE city that had it. That was only because someone had forgotten to pick theirs up.

I did get a momentary distraction wondering who forgets to pick up fertility medication.

So we got the hospital to fax them the prescription, went to pick it up, then straight to the hospital for my needle lesson. Mix this, poke this there, tap that, press this, insert the thing in the other thing etc. I think I got it!

While I was there the lady was sure to tell me to contact them if I had any side effects that seemed out of the ordinary, so I took that opportunity to ask about the eating. I asked her if it was normal to want to eat everything in sight.

She said yes, and that they hear that very very often. That it’s just a part of the whole fertility treatment thing and it’s not just me.

So there, an honest to goodness medical professional just told me that the hormones alone are enough to cause me to want to chew my own leg off, yet I still feel guilty and weak. Argh!

While I did think I had a handle on the needle thing, I was still on hell week, still had PMS charging through me like a freight train and the uncertainty of what was coming up this month with even stronger medications, bigger needles and everything else had my anxiety levels through the roof.

So I took it out on some more Oreos.

Then I felt guilty.

Monday was a total wash.

Tuesday wasn’t a lot better.

Wednesday, WEDNESDAY (today) was going to be the day!! I was sure of it. When I went to bed last night I thought ok, I can do this!

This morning I woke up hours later than usual, as I did yesterday, feeling nauseated and with a really annoying headache (like yesterday). When I got up my husband started talking to me and it took all of about five minutes for the tears to start. Completely out of my control, frustrating as heck, but there they were.

This day was not starting out quite as I expected.

Then the doorbell rang. Oh blessed delivery man, look what he brought…

Can you hear the angels sing? Omg…

A friend and I have an agreement where he kindly sends me stuff I miss from back home, and I send his family Stroopwafels and other yummy stuff from Holland. I knew it was coming, I know I should have stopped it but I was weak. If I was going to go to hell, I may as well ride there on a peanut butter cup.

A part of me thought I should just put them away, not let the hormones get to me, I’m strong!!

Yeah, not so much. That thought lasted for about as long as it took me to get a wrapper open. Oh sweet baby Jesus, so delicious.

People keep telling me that I’m too hard on myself, that I need to relax and not think about the diet so much because it’s just giving me added stress. The problem with that is I feel like these treatments rely on me keeping the weight off, so does having the healthiest pregnancy possible.

I know it’s not like I’m gaining all the weight back, in the last 3-4 months I’ve only gained about 3kg of the 39kg I had lost, but it still feels like too much. The doctors said I can expect a few kilos of bloating alone, but … argh!

I wish I was losing, but with everything that is going on I am barely managing to maintain. I know these treatments won’t go on for ever, so if it ends and I’m not pregnant I will be able to concentrate fully on the weight loss. Will I really be able to do that though? Knowing that any hope I had of having a child is gone for sure?

What if I do get pregnant, there will definitely be gaining then. Not loads necessarily but I know that any will feel like shit.

It’s a difficult balance, the medications and trying to keep a handle on my weight. I’m not sure how much longer I will be able to do it. Each month I feel myself slipping more and more. Is it because each month the drugs are getting more intense or because I’m getting worn down?

I’m not sure I’ll ever know, I just hope when all is said and done and I look in the mirror that I don’t see that same fat face looking back at me that I saw two years ago. I miss feeling proud and excited about my weight loss, I really want to feel that way again.

My War on Asia

Breigh — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 06:20:04 +0000

Living in a flat in Rotterdam brings with it a lot of interesting interactions with neighbours. We have been living in this flat for over ten years and while we do have some really awesome neighbours, we have also had some total jerkoffs, inconsiderate twats (who we totally busted) and royal pains in the ass.

There’s one neighbour that I’ve decided I’m going to declare war with. I’m not quite sure how, but I’ve been trying to hatch a plan over the last two or three years and I’m sure I’ll come up with something good any minute now.

They are evil!

Ok, they may not be evil, I’m not really sure as I’ve never actually met them. Here is what I know…

They have made me really angry.
They are Asian.
They like the sun.
… and cigarettes.
They have made me really REALLY angry.
They don’t like trees.

You see, I spend a lot of time on my balcony in spring and summer. I quite like the view from there and have been known to snap a few photos from time to time. Like this one…

I took this photo in 2005, and this is what I had to say at the time.

Every spring this tree seems to explode overnight, it’s so beautiful! Such a shame it lasts such a short time though

This was always my favorite part of spring. Looking out behind my house to see this beautiful tree in bloom! On nights like last night it would even appear to change color, looking more pink or red than usual.

I LOVED THIS TREE. It made life pretty.

The people who owned that garden had it set up quite beautifully with a lot of plants and a nice seating area etc. I love looking over their garden while I sat out on my balcony. They moved though, and then ‘The Asians’ moved in. I call them that because I don’t know anything else about them.

Except that they hate trees.

… and they love cigarettes.

Well, this is what stands there now…

Yeah, that’s it. A stump that gets freshly chainsawed every year. Can you believe it?!

I know it’s their garden and they can do what they want with it, but seriously? They removed anything even remotely beautiful, filled the entire garden with tiles and put nothing out there.

Wait, that’s a lie… in the summer they put out a lawn chair and a big can to use as an ashtray, because that’s the only time they ever go out there is to smoke. Oh, and to chainsaw the tree.

These people really give new meaning to PAVED PARADISE AND PUT UP A PARKING LOT. Fuckers.

So that’s what I see now when I sit on my balcony in the spring… a stump… and for that I hate them and am declaring war on Asia.

Not the real Asia, cuz I’d lose… just the little Asia that lives behind my house.

I’ve considered collecting dog poo and throwing it over the fence, because there’s no lack of it around here, but what if someone saw me? This place is full of lookie-loos. I need something more discreet and stealthy. Something that will make them regret the day they ever bought a chainsaw.

I will come up with a brilliant plan one day, then they will feel my wrath, and boy will they be sorry!!

Until then I will continue to give them the stink eye from the balcony.

30 Days of Truth: Day 18

Breigh — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 19:35:22 +0000

So here’s the thing, I couldn’t give a crap about gay marriage. The same goes for polygamy, swingers, open marriages and any other unconventional adult relationship. I think as long as everyone involved are consenting adults, leave them the hell alone. It’s not our business what goes on in other people’s bedrooms and none of us should be able to tell anyone else who they can love or spend their lives with.

I’m completely non-religious so the whole homosexuality is a sin argument is lost on me. Having sex with young boys is also a sin, from what I hear, but that doesn’t stop some of the most religious people on the planet from doing it.

If two men, or two women, or two men and three women or one woman and four men love each other and want to be married, LET THEM. Who gives a shit?! Honestly, what does it hurt? As long as these people are doing what makes them happy and they aren’t hurting anyone, WHY stand in their way?

You know what I don’t get. All these people are wound up about gay marriage and how it’s a sin, how they shouldn’t be married in a church, and god forbid they ever try to adopt a child… there are heterosexual couples all over the world that are cheating on each other, killing each other, divorcing, molesting and beating their (and other people’s!!) children.

What worse could a gay couple do?!

There is nothing a gay couple could do that millions of heterosexuals haven’t already done.

I just don’t get why this is even still an issue. Idiots.

Confessions of a Fat Girl: Fat and Feminine?

Breigh — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 08:36:39 +0000

These are my nails, fake ones. Pretty, aren’t they? I got them done at Nagelstudio Ellen in Barendrecht and I couldn’t be happier with them. She is awesome, she also took the photos. Check out the swirlys, cute huh?

You may be wondering why I got acrylic nails. I mean, that’s a little lush for a housewife, isn’t it? A bit extravagant? Maybe even a bit silly? Not really. They are my gift to myself for continuing to lose weight and get closer to my goals. Something I can have every day to look at, feel pretty and smile. I really need that, and here’s why…

Remember a while back when I did the Confessions of a Fat Girl post? That was my coming out, when I stopped feeling ashamed of who I was and decided to own my weight. It was so liberating and I felt so good afterwards. It’s hard to believe that was ‘almost 40 lbs ago’, which if funny, looking at time in terms of weight but that’s sort of how it is when you have a long road of weight loss before (and behind) you.

One thing I didn’t really go into was the fat and feminine issue.

What is the fat and feminine issue? Well, it’s an issue of mine, which took up residence in my head a long time ago and no matter how many times I tried to evict it, it just won’t leave. I can’t speak for all women who are overweight, because I know many don’t have this problem. I see them every day, bigger women who are so pretty and look so lovely and feminine. I can only speak for myself, but I was never one of them. I didn’t get the invitation to the club or something, and even if I had, I wouldn’t have shown up because I’d have been convinced they sent it to the wrong address.

The fat and feminine issue I have is that, for me, they have never gone together. As long as I’ve been fat, I’ve never felt pretty or feminine. It’s hard to truly feel like a woman when you weigh more than most men you know… or at least that’s been the case for me. Wearing heels or skirts, anything that sparkles, carrying a girlie bag or painting my nails… I’ve always felt like a drag queen, or like a child trying to dress up in mommy’s clothes. For years I didn’t even wear makeup because I thought I looked ridiculous, like a clown.

I’ve always been a bit of a tomboy at heart and have never really gone for the uber girlie stuff. I’ve had better relationships with men than with women, I’ve preferred to shop for gadgets than shoes and I secretly get more pleasure out of watching action or sci fi movies than romantic ones. That has never stopped me from wanting to feel feminine, or be feminine… my weight has.

It’s a very difficult thing to explain, and as I said, it may just be me. There are a heaping crapload of insecurities that often come along with weight issues and this is just one of mine.

Weighing over 300 lbs, as I did just over a year ago, I didn’t have a lot of selection when it came to clothes. I basically bought what fit and tried not to worry about if it looked good because in my mind, nothing looked good then, nothing felt good. As long as it fit, wasn’t too expensive and wasn’t damaged, I took it because I had no idea when I was going to find something to fit me again. I can’t remember one single time in a period of about 4-5 years when I looked in the mirror and thought I looked good, even in brand new clothes.

Every time I’d get dressed to go out and see people or do things, I left wishing I could feel like that and worrying about how I looked. I’d sometimes be uncomfortable because the things that fit didn’t fit the way I’d like, but I had to accept it anyway… or if it was comfortable, it was something that made me feel so frumpy that it just compounded the negative feelings I had about how I looked.

For years I didn’t even bother cutting my hair, it had grown to my ass and other than changing the color I didn’t do anything with it. Later I tried and had it various lengths but it didn’t matter. Regardless of what I did, I always felt like I had a teeny tiny head on a great big body. So, I just stopped bothering. I washed it, brushed it and it was done.

I would buy makeup, just to have it sit in a bag for two years between uses. Whenever I’d put makeup on I felt like a little girl sitting in front of mommy’s mirror putting on her lipstick. I’d put it on, look at myself and see someone trying to be something they’re not, and wipe most of it off. Then leave the house looking like I’d never done it in the first place. It didn’t feel like it belonged, like those women who put bracelets and necklaces on newborns or hats and sunglasses on their dogs. It just looked… wrong.

So, what could I do other than try to make the best of it? I didn’t want people to know I had all these things going on in my head or that I wanted all those things but didn’t feel like I could have them. I wasn’t any of those things so what could I do other than try to make it appear like it was by choice?

I always had a boyish side to me, but so do a lot of women who do wear makeup and heels without feeling like fools. So that’s who I became. I was Tammy, the jeans and t-shirt, no fuss no muss kinda gal. You want someone who can be ready in 5 minutes flat? I’m your girl! Don’t worry, I will never bug you to go shoe shopping!

What nobody knew was that I always wanted to be something else but just felt like I didn’t deserve it. I was lazy, fat, and disgusting, and no amount hair gel or makeup was going to hide that.

So, this is one of the things I’ve been working on during this weight loss journey. There used to be a part of me that felt at least a little pretty and feminine, but it was a very short period of time many years ago. She used to live in a beautifully decorated little area in my brain, but then the fat insecure bitch threw her out and started squatting in her flat. She painted all the walls black and shits on the floor like a savage. In the past year I’ve been working on housebreaking her, and it’s going pretty well. Any day now I should be able to repaint the walls.

Basically, I’m trying to learn to give a shit. I try to look in the mirror and see something less like the Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock and more like, shit.. I dunno, the me I want to be, I guess. It’s working, little by little. Sometimes I leave the house thinking I actually look ok, which is a long way from how I felt this time two years ago. Sometimes I even catch a glimpse of that part of me I used to know all those years ago and it gives me hope. It gives me the motivation to keep going because with each pound I lose I get closer and closer to being her again.

I wear makeup more now, not a lot but enough to look like I’m wearing it, without feeling like a clown.

I buy clothes because I like them and I like the way I look and feel in them, not just because they are there and they fit. I have more choice now and that gives me the ability to think about my style, if I even have one at all. That’s something I’ve not had in a long time.

I bought a pair of boots with heels. I can’t say I feel entirely comfortable in them, I still feel like I’m going to go face down at any moment, but I FEEL GOOD when I wear them. I feel taller, prouder,more feminine and all I can do is hope that if I do topple over one day that I do it with a little bit of grace. I may even buy more one day. Practice makes perfect, right?

I am trying to learn to accessorize. I know when people think of me they think of jewelry in terms of piercings, but that’s different. You can wear those with anything. I like jewelry and one day I want to be confident enough to be that girl that wears the big clunky jewelry and is all like “YA, my necklace is HUGE, what of it bitch?!” Rather than the “oh shit I look like I have a life preserver around my neck, what was I thinking?!” type that I am now. I’m the girl who wears something out and then stuffs it in my purse just before I get there because I think it looks silly.

One day, I want to wear a cute little sundress and feel like I belong in it. You know, that confident girl who strides down the street looking cool and care free. Right now I’m the girl who would be fretting about my thighs rubbing together under there, how flabby my arms are, not wanting people to see my armpits (who am I kidding, I will always be that girl), and still sweating like a pig just out of the anxiety of the whole situation. It’s just not a situation where I could, you know… fake it till I make it.

It’s going to be a long road to recovery on this one, but I’ll get there one day. I envy women who can feel feminine and pretty regardless of their weight, I really do. I know they are out there because I see them every day, or at least I think I do. Perhaps some of these women feel silly too but wear those things anyway, I don’t know. I think I secretly hope they do, just so I know I’m not alone.

So yeah, what is more girlie and feminine than having nice, long, beautiful nails? It’s the one thing I CAN fake. I can go to a lady with my short, weak, constantly jagged and hooking on every sweater fingernails and leave with long, beautiful girl-talons. Ok, so I still refuse to get any non-subtle color or god forbid, glitter… but it’s a start.

To some it might seem like a silly thing to do, but for me it means something right now. It means I’m trying, I’m making the effort where I can and that matters to me. I work hard every day at staying on track, eating right and getting my head back together, I deserve it.

Plus, hubby thinks they’re hot.

He thinks they’d be hotter in red, but dude… I’m so not ready to go there.

Maybe purple, I could definitely do purple.

P.s. Only 5.7 lbs until I reach 90 lbs lost, can’t wait!