The book that has changed my views on something recently is a book by Zoe Harcombe called Stop Counting Calories & Start Losing Weight.

After a year on Weight Watchers I was four months into the most rotten plateau I’ve ever experienced.  I was also disappointed in the lack of improvement in my health.  So my in laws suggested I read this book, as it had changed their lives, and everything soon changed for me as well.

It totally opened my eyes to how flawed the calorie counting diets system is, how I shouldn’t be afraid of healthy fats but should, in fact, fear the carbs, sugar and processed foods I’d been feeding myself.  It was a bit hard to get my head around it at first, as though I almost had to de-program myself to stop believing what has been fed to me (pardon the pun) my whole life.

Finding this book is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  It’s helped me wipe Type 2 diabetes out of my life, lose weight and generally feel happier and healthier, something a lifetime of calorie counting diets has never been able to properly achieve.
It isn’t a lifestyle for everyone (although it should be), it requires a lot of hard work and it’s something you need to believe in before you can do it.  Unless you read it yourself and hear what she has to say, I don’t think it’s possible to follow the diet wholeheartedly.  You’ll never truly understand why you are doing it otherwise.

It’s hard, and I don’t always succeed at it but I know that the things she says are true, or at least MORE true than any of the bull I was learning from Weight Watchers.  It’s hard to imagine how I ever thought that eating as much pasta, potato or rice as I wanted for ‘points’ was ever a healthy diet.

Related posts:

1. 30 Days of Truth: Day 29
2. 30 Days of Truth: Day 28
3. 30 Days of Truth: Day 6

These are my nails, fake ones.  Pretty, aren’t they?  I got them done at Nagelstudio Ellen in Barendrecht and I couldn’t be happier with them. She is awesome, she also took the photos.  Check out the swirlys, cute huh?

You may be wondering why I got acrylic nails. I mean, that’s a little lush for a housewife, isn’t it?  A bit extravagant? Maybe even a bit silly?  Not really. They are my gift to myself for continuing to lose weight and get closer to my goals. Something I can have every day to look at, feel pretty and smile.  I really need that, and here’s why…

Remember a while back when I did the Confessions of a Fat Girl post?  That was my coming out, when I stopped feeling ashamed of who I was and decided to own my weight.  It was so liberating and I felt so good afterwards.  It’s hard to believe that was ‘almost 40 lbs ago’, which if funny, looking at time in terms of weight but that’s sort of how it is when you have a long road of weight loss before (and behind) you.

One thing I didn’t really go into was the fat and feminine issue.

What is the fat and feminine issue?  Well, it’s an issue of mine, which took up residence in my head a long time ago and no matter how many times I tried to evict it, it just won’t leave. I can’t speak for all women who are overweight, because I know many don’t have this problem.  I see them every day, bigger women who are so pretty and look so lovely and feminine.  I can only speak for myself, but I was never one of them. I didn’t get the invitation to the club or something, and even if I had, I wouldn’t have shown up because I’d have been convinced they sent it to the wrong address.

The fat and feminine issue I have is that, for me, they have never gone together.  As long as I’ve been fat, I’ve never felt pretty or feminine.  It’s hard to truly feel like a woman when you weigh more than most men you know… or at least that’s been the case for me.  Wearing heels or skirts, anything that sparkles, carrying a girlie bag or painting my nails… I’ve always felt like a drag queen, or like a child trying to dress up in mommy’s clothes.  For years I didn’t even wear makeup because I thought I looked ridiculous, like a clown.

I’ve always been a bit of a tomboy at heart and have never really gone for the uber girlie stuff.  I’ve had better relationships with men than with women, I’ve preferred to shop for gadgets than shoes and I secretly get more pleasure out of watching action or sci fi movies than romantic ones.  That has never stopped me from wanting to feel feminine, or be feminine… my weight has.

It’s a very difficult thing to explain, and as I said, it may just be me.  There are a heaping crapload of insecurities that often come along with weight issues and this is just one of mine.

Weighing over 300 lbs, as I did just over a year ago, I didn’t have a lot of selection when it came to clothes.  I basically bought what fit and tried not to worry about if it looked good because in my mind, nothing looked good then, nothing felt good.  As long as it fit, wasn’t too expensive and wasn’t damaged, I took it because I had no idea when I was going to find something to fit me again.  I can’t remember one single time in a period of about 4-5 years when I looked in the mirror and thought I looked good, even in brand new clothes.

Every time I’d get dressed to go out and see people or do things, I left wishing I could feel like that and worrying about how I looked.  I’d sometimes be uncomfortable because the things that fit didn’t fit the way I’d like, but I had to accept it anyway… or if it was comfortable, it was something that made me feel so frumpy that it just compounded the negative feelings I had about how I looked.

For years I didn’t even bother cutting my hair, it had grown to my ass and other than changing the color I didn’t do anything with it.  Later I tried and had it various lengths but it didn’t matter.  Regardless of what I did, I always felt like I had a teeny tiny head on a great big body.  So, I just stopped bothering.  I washed it, brushed it and it was done.

I would buy makeup, just to have it sit in a bag for two years between uses. Whenever I’d put makeup on I felt like a little girl sitting in front of mommy’s mirror putting on her lipstick.  I’d put it on, look at myself and see someone trying to be something they’re not, and wipe most of it off.  Then leave the house looking like I’d never done it in the first place.  It didn’t feel like it belonged, like those women who put bracelets and necklaces on newborns or hats and sunglasses on their dogs.  It just looked… wrong.

So, what could I do other than try to make the best of it?  I didn’t want people to know I had all these things going on in my head or that I wanted all those things but didn’t feel like I could have them.  I wasn’t any of those things so what could I do other than try to make it appear like it was by choice?

I always had a boyish side to me, but so do a lot of women who do wear makeup and heels without feeling like fools.  So that’s who I became.  I was Tammy, the jeans and t-shirt, no fuss no muss kinda gal.  You want someone who can be ready in 5 minutes flat?  I’m your girl!  Don’t worry, I will never bug you to go shoe shopping!

What nobody knew was that I always wanted to be something else but just felt like I didn’t deserve it.  I was lazy, fat, and disgusting, and no amount hair gel or makeup was going to hide that.

So, this is one of the things I’ve been working on during this weight loss journey.  There used to be a part of me that felt at least a little pretty and feminine, but it was a very short period of time many years ago.  She used to live in a beautifully decorated little area in my brain, but then the fat insecure bitch threw her out and started squatting in her flat.  She painted all the walls black and shits on the floor like a savage.  In the past year I’ve been working on housebreaking her, and it’s going pretty well.  Any day now I should be able to repaint the walls.

Basically, I’m trying to learn to give a shit.  I try to look in the mirror and see something less like the Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock and more like, shit.. I dunno, the me I want to be, I guess.  It’s working, little by little.  Sometimes I leave the house thinking I actually look ok, which is a long way from how I felt this time two years ago.  Sometimes I even catch a glimpse of that part of me I used to know all those years ago and it gives me hope.  It gives me the motivation to keep going because with each pound I lose I get closer and closer to being her again.

I wear makeup more now, not a lot but enough to look like I’m wearing it, without feeling like a clown.

I buy clothes because I like them and I like the way I look and feel in them, not just because they are there and they fit.  I have more choice now and that gives me the ability to think about my style, if I even have one at all.  That’s something I’ve not had in a long time.

I bought a pair of boots with heels.  I can’t say I feel entirely comfortable in them, I still feel like I’m going to go face down at any moment, but I FEEL GOOD when I wear them. I feel taller, prouder,more feminine and all I can do is hope that if I do topple over one day that I do it with a little bit of grace. I may even buy more one day. Practice makes perfect, right?

I am trying to learn to accessorize. I know when people think of me they think of jewelry in terms of piercings, but that’s different. You can wear those with anything.  I like jewelry and one day I want to be confident enough to be that girl that wears the big clunky jewelry and is all like “YA, my necklace is HUGE, what of it bitch?!”  Rather than the “oh shit I look like I have a life preserver around my neck, what was I thinking?!” type that I am now.  I’m the girl who wears something out and then stuffs it in my purse just before I get there because I think it looks silly.

One day, I want to wear a cute little sundress and feel like I belong in it. You know, that confident girl who strides down the street looking cool and care free.  Right now I’m the girl who would be fretting about my thighs rubbing together under there, how flabby my arms are, not wanting people to see my armpits (who am I kidding, I will always be that girl), and still sweating like a pig just out of the anxiety of the whole situation.  It’s just not a situation where I could, you know… fake it till I make it.

It’s going to be a long road to recovery on this one, but I’ll get there one day.  I envy women who can feel feminine and pretty regardless of their weight, I really do.  I know they are out there because I see them every day, or at least I think I do. Perhaps some of these women feel silly too but wear those things anyway, I don’t know.  I think I secretly hope they do, just so I know I’m not alone.

So yeah, what is more girlie and feminine than having nice, long, beautiful nails?  It’s the one thing I CAN fake.  I can go to a lady with my short, weak, constantly jagged and hooking on every sweater fingernails and leave with long, beautiful girl-talons.  Ok, so I still refuse to get any non-subtle color or god forbid, glitter… but it’s a start.

To some it might seem like a silly thing to do, but for me it means something right now.  It means I’m trying, I’m making the effort where I can and that matters to me.  I work hard every day at staying on track, eating right and getting my head back together, I deserve it.

Plus, hubby thinks they’re hot.

He thinks they’d be hotter in red, but dude… I’m so not ready to go there.

Maybe purple, I could definitely do purple.

P.s. Only 5.7 lbs until I reach 90 lbs lost, can’t wait!

Related posts:

1. Confessions of a Fat Girl
2. Confessions of a Fat Girl: The Last Resort
3. The Fat Lady

Our holiday was fantastic and I will soon be bombarding you with photos of some of the things I’ve seen as well as endless jabbering about how unbelievably relaxing it was, how much fun we had with Xander’s family and how in love we both are with the south of France.

For now I am busy getting back into a routine and adjusting to some of the changes that are taking place here.

• I have started a new diet (low carb) and put Weight Watchers aside for now.  After four months hovering at the – 50lb mark and seeing no change in spite of my best efforts, I decided I needed to try something different.  This is taking quite some research and requires a lot of reprogramming. I also have a lot to learn about food, cooking and health.  So far so good, down an additional 9.5 lbs already since being home from holiday.  Waiting for that pesky .5 to go so I can do the – 60lbs dance.
• My husband is starting a new job today.  After four years with his previous company he has decided that it was time for a change.  He will still be doing the same work, just for a different company that pays better and is more suited to his needs.  I’ve got my fingers and toes crossed that this works out well for him, that he gets along with his new manager as well as he did with his previous one and that he is happy with the change.  This means I also have to get used to being on my own again after having him working from home for a very long time. I will miss him but it will be good for us both to get back to a routine and have a chance to miss each other.
• Along with the new company comes a new car!  Our beloved Clio was returned on Friday, which was Xander’s last day with his previous company.  For the first 2-3 months we will have a loaner from his new company, after which we will be able to choose a leased car of our choice.  What kind of loaner car will we get?  Who knows… as long as it has four wheels and we both fit in it, that’s all I care about right now.  We haven’t decided on our leased car yet either, but I’m pretty sure we’ll be looking for more than four wheels and fitting in it for that one.

For now I will leave you with a photo of one of my very favorite things from my visit to the south of France.

His name is Timo, he’s a sweet, vulnerable, adorable, kind, gentle, incredibly obedient, heart stealing Golden Retriever… and he was just a little too big for me to hide in my suitcase when I left.

I love my in-laws, and I am so glad that after all these years we have all come to appreciate each other so much and get along so well.  This makes me so incredibly happy.  It was wonderful to see them this summer and really get to spend time with everyone.  That said, I’m afraid that they are all going to have to accept the fact that I love this guy, Timo, most of all.  I can’t help it, he’s stolen my heart.  I’m sure they will understand.

Related posts:

1. Home Hairy Home
2. 101 List – Fly Home To Canada Alone
3. Canadian Beauty – “Over Home”

Today Sheldon The Wonder Fiets and I went off exploring.  I wasn’t sure how far I was going to go or how long I’d last, but I went prepared.

My bag, my point and shoot camera and a bottle of water.  Let’s roll!!

My mission was to find out if there was anywhere relatively close to home where I could bike sort of off the beaten path.  Not like through the mud type of off the beaten path, but more like out of the path of cars, trucks and trams.  Living in the city means biking in the city, not something I’ve been a big fan of in the past.  So I wanted to see if I could find an area where I could bike without worrying about intersections, traffic or a lot of other cyclists.

I found it!  About five minutes from home there is an area where I can cycle to my hearts content.  I reached a cross ways and had a choice of where to go, left or right.  I chose left because I saw a tunnel under the motorway (which meant hill) to the right.  I may have been out biking, but don’t be fooled, the lazy is still strong in this one, people!

It turned out the path on the left wasn’t all that long so after a while I had to do some city biking.  It wasn’t so bad and I didn’t mind exploring a bit.  I wasn’t able to cycle as leisurely in the city as I was out on this path, so next time I’m definitely taking the path on the right, tunnel and all.  I had a look on Google Maps and that path appears to go on for much much longer.

Speaking of  Google Maps, while I was out I tested out a new application I got for my phone.  It’s called My Tracks, which works beautifully on my HTC Hero.  I started recording my tracks before leaving my house and turned it off when I got home.   When I’m done I can upload it to Google Maps and Google Docs to keep track of how far I bike, the speed etc.  This can also be done for any other mode of transportation if you want to keep track of where you’ve gone.

Almost 10.5 kms!  Look at me and my bad biking self!  Not a far distance for a lot of the people who live here and bike regularly, but for me it is. It SO is.  My ass isn’t even all that sore, surprisingly, so it seems I’ve managed to break it in!

As fate would have it, I hit two of those tunnel hills on my way back around and mother of god they just about killed me.  I pedaled as fast as my little legs would go before I hit the downward hill, building up speed so that I could fly down one side and get a boost going up the other, and then WHAM!!  Tunnel wind!  It was like hitting a brick wall and any speed I built up came to a screeching halt.  I huffed and puffed into the amplified winds and it was almost a relief to go up the hill on the other side, just because I was out of the tunnel.

Nobody told me about tunnel winds!  Why didn’t anyone warn me about tunnel winds?!  Argggh!

The worst one was just around the corner from home and by the time I got up the other side you’d think I was doing an iron man or something.  I was wheezing and panting like they were my last breaths and then feebly pedaled the last few hundred meters home.

People often ask me why I don’t bike into town to other places to meet people.  Here’s why…

RED FACED MUCH?!!

After getting off the bike and forcing my gumby legs up three flights of stairs, I was shaking so badly I could hardly get the camera to stay still to take this photo.  I’m smiling, but it was all for show.  Inside I was pretty sure this was the last photo anyone would ever see of me alive and for my mother’s sake I wanted to at least look like I died happy.

Dieting and losing weight is hard, and after losing 50 lbs it’s no more fun than when it started.  Carrying around almost almost two entire people worth of weight makes everything twice as difficult.  I spent 35 years eating for both of them and now I have to exercise for both of them too.  Karma really is a bitch.  Only one of us is getting out of this alive though,  and it’s not going to be that fat cow I’ve been carrying around with me all these years.

Now I just need another sunny day so I can find out what is on the path to the right… other than more tunnel wind, I mean.

Related posts:

1. Project Fatass Heads into Winter
2. When Project Baby and Project Fatass Collide
3. The Return of Project Fatass

Over the years I’ve had a lot of issues with seasonal depression.  Not something I’ve ever suffered from in Canada, but it hit me quick and hard here in the Netherlands.   I wasn’t expecting it but it happened, and it continued to happen for the past 10 years.  Granted, for the first half of that time I was often quite depressed during the rest of the year as well, but it always got much worse during the winter.

Each year I’d fall head over heels in love with autumn but at the same time I’d be dreading the winter.  Cold, dark, dreary, wet… those were the things that would come to mind.  My desire to stay indoors would be stronger than ever.  I’d often lose touch with the people I made the attempts to be friends with over the summer, and no matter what strides I’d made over the sunny months I’d end up hating the Netherlands fiercely.

I’d look out the window and see what you see in the photo above.  I took that in January of 1996 at lunch time.  Weather like this can really take it’s toll after a month or two.  It’s not bright enough to be a lovely daytime, not dark enough to be a cosy night time feel.  Just dreary.

There were also other things playing a role in how I felt.  I didn’t just feel bad about the weather and being away from my family, but I felt bad about myself too.  I hated a lot of things about my personality, I hated that as each winter came around I was getting fatter and fatter, and I hated that I was one of those people who complained about all those things and did nothing about them.  I was a victim.  I allowed myself to be a victim.

Some years were better than others, but there always came a point where I crashed and when I did, I crashed hard.  Each time it happened it chipped a little more away at me, making me feel like a failure and a loser who couldn’t seem to cope. Which made it even more difficult the following year.

This year I knew I had to do things differently.  I couldn’t wait for it to magically change, and if anything was going to change it had to be within me.  I decided I wasn’t going to be a victim of myself anymore and created a different path for going into winter.  I knew I was going to have to work hard to get through it and for the first time realized that I do have some control over it.  Even though I always thought I was trying, I wasn’t really… and the winter always won.

This year… I was determined to make winter my bitch.

I had already started losing weight, something I’ve attempted many other winters, but this time around I took steps to make sure I didn’t quit.

• I joined a gym and I told people about it.  I wanted them to ask me if I’m still going so that I’d not want to say I gave up.  I got a trainer who asks me where the hell I’ve been if he hasn’t seen me for a while.
• I got a life coach who is awesome and helps me learn more and more about myself and why I often seem to be my own worst enemy.  He’s helping me find the tools within myself to change it and be a better person.
• I stuck with Weight Watchers so that I have somewhere to be accountable to for what I eat.  My best friend joined with me and I know that once a week she’s going to say “How was your weigh in?”.  I’m glad, because it makes me want to have something good to tell.  We can also motivate each other and help each other push through what ordinarily would be a time we’d both want to curl up with a blanket and some chocolate.
• I’ve started trying new things with food. Different recipes that partially replace some of the things I love (like pasta) with vegetables to lower the point value and give me a more well balanced diet.
• I’m not denying myself the things I love, like chocolate, McDonalds or potato chips.  Instead I’m learning portion control and how to fit them into my life in a healthy way that won’t stand in the way of my goals.  Weight Watchers helps a lot with this and instead of feeling like I’m on a diet, I feel like I’m learning to eat like a normal person.

I’ve also realized that when I feel that familiar feeling, where I get grumpy and my patience grows thin, to get out and do something.  Even if it’s going to the supermarket, a walk with the dogs or going to take photos of something.  If it gets me out and gives me something nice to think about it can squash those negative feelings that often take over during the winter.

I’ve worked on mending relationships that had been broken in the past, which is something that has always weighed heavily on me.  I am aware that I can be difficult but deep down I hate not getting along with people and when there is conflict it eats away at me.  I much prefer sorting things out, having good relationships and having things to look forward to.

Instead of thinking about what I’m missing back home, how much I hate the weather (which I still do, mind you), or what little thing is bugging me at the moment, I find other things to think about.  If something is getting me down, I start making plans for our summer holidays.  If I feel my mood start to darken, I find something to look forward to…even if it’s just a movie with a friend or going out for dinner with my husband.

Surrounding myself with positive people has helped a lot.  I have friends who speak more Dutch than me, are more integrated than me, have more hobbies than me and who are more active than me.  They inspire me to do better.  I used to want friends who could relate, who felt the same negative feelings I felt that I could complain with.  Now I know that was the wrong way to go.  While I do love having friends who understand me and that we can be there for each other when we are feeling down, having friends who make you want to do better in life is healthier.  Having friends who are negative and try to pull you down with them is never good when you are in a situation where you are trying to better your quality of life.  I want friends who challenge me, pull me out of my comfort zone and help me continue to get better.  I also hope that I can do the same for them and bring something positive to their lives when I can.  Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean I don’t want to be friends with people who are struggling.  In fact, having been there and understanding it, I’d want to try to help in any way I can.  What I don’t want is people who try to pull me back down into that negative place with them.  No more than I would ever want to pull my friends down with me.

Keeping busy has made a huge difference and I have my friends and my husband to thank for that as well.  Not only are they happy to do things with me but they understand that while there is big improvement, I’m not fully there yet and they may have to give me a gentle (or sometimes not so gentle.. Penny: get to the gym you’ll be glad you did later.  Heather: photo club, quit being a whiney ass and go) nudge to get me going.  I love them for that.

I have ‘go to things’ for what to do when I know I’m in danger of my winter blues, even if it’s just something that takes 5 minutes, it can often brighten my mood considerably.

• Getting out taking photos
• Chatting with my mom on the phone
• Housework.  I know this sounds insane but I get a weird peace of mind when I get things tidy.  This isn’t my first choice of course, but I do go there from time to time.
• Playing with the dogs. Their joy brings me joy.
• Looking up a new recipe to try.
• Going out to the shops and buying something cheap but fun. Like a cheap bracelet, lip gloss or some nail polish.  This works doubly because I’ve found that actually taking the effort to try to look good (which I never bothered with before, I couldn’t be arsed) makes me FEEL good too.  These little bits help a lot.
• Going to the gym. Again, not my first choice but I often feel so much better afterwards.
• Chatting with friends.  Whether it’s Penny and I talking about our next girlie night or motivating each other to keep going with our diets, Heather and I chatting about her next project or photography, hearing about Paule and Alan’s latest adventures or me and Matt bitching about Jersey Shore… having friends to talk to and laugh with is one of my favorite things.
• Cuddling with my husband.  He makes me laugh.  When we curl up in bed for a nap on a cold winter afternoon, we always end up in fits of laughter before we ever get to sleep.  Instead of crawling into bed feeling depressed and waking up worse, I go to sleep giggling and wake up happy.
• Creating something.  When I make something and see a finished product, I smile.  Whether it’s a cross stitch, a quilt, or something for my blog, it doesn’t matter.  Last month I spent days tweaking code and getting the new theme ready for the blog.  It kept me busy, I learned a lot and the end results made me happy.
• Trying new things.  This winter I made a point of getting out and doing things I wouldn’t have ordinarily done.  Like going to the boekenfestijn for the first time, seeing my first musical in Dutch, my first visit to the Rotterdam Film Festival or trying something new with my camera.  I’m getting out there and doing something rather than sitting home feeling sorry for myself because I never bothered.

So, it’s now getting on to the end of February, a time when I’m normally at my worst, and this year I feel great.  I’ve got good friends, a great family, holidays to look forward to this year and more and more plans to get out and try new things. It feels pretty damn good.

I’m also getting smaller every day.  I’ve now lost 49 pounds and am desperate to be able to say I’ve lost 50 pounds.  That won’t be the end of my weight loss journey but 50 pounds will be a great milestone for me.  This is the most weight I’ve ever lost, and I now weigh less than I have in over 5 years.

I’ve stood up to the winter blues that terrorize so many people here, and I’ve kicked it’s ass.  If you are here in the Netherlands, or anywhere really, and are going through the same thing… it can get better.  It’s not easy, and no pill or person saying “You should…” will make a difference.  One thing I hated more than anything when I was in the depths of my depression, was someone saying that only you have the power to change it.  It made me want to cut people.  It’s true though and as much as it sucks to hear, and as hard as it is to make the first steps, you can make the difference.  The winter blues may never go away fully, and like me, you may always have that feeling of it nipping at your heels… but all you have do is outrun it or turn around and kick it in the teeth.  Find out what makes you happy and put all your energy into that.  Show winter who wears the pants in this country!

Now that I’ve taken care of the winter blues,  I’m gonna to make that 1 pound my bitch too.

Related posts:

1. How Friday the 13th Kicked My Ass
2. Walking My Ass Off
3. Ass-Fart to Wankum!

Well, Pixel is almost a year old now and has been with us for 9 months.  It’s been a bit of a roller coaster of pee and poo but we’ve finally gotten it all under control *knocks wood*.   She is so cute it’s hard to stay angry with her when she does things like, oh I don’t know… pee on my sofa?

She’s grown so much, I sometimes don’t realize it until days like today when I look at old photos from her first days with us.

We should have seen from her face back then what a saucy little thing we were going to have on our hands!  She’s not bad as in biting or mean, but she is a live wire and you never know what she’s going to get up to next.

You really see how much she’s grown when you compare with this photo I took of her today.

I would have taken a pic of her with the toy from the first photo but it doesn’t exist anymore.  She ripped all the ropes out and chewed the blue plastic to bits.   Sort of like she’s done with the toy from the 2nd photo, which used to be a ball of about 5-6 different intertwined rubber rings.  She’s managed to pull them all apart and is now in the process of biting them into pieces.

She. Is. So. Destructive.

Thankfully she only does it with her own toys and never bothers with any of our stuff.   It just sucks that we have to keep buying toys just to watch her tear them to pieces.  She has even chewed Kong toys into a million pieces, and they are known to be the most durable dog toys there are.

Ah well, we love her.  Even if we may end up in the poor house with all the toys we have to buy her!

Related posts:

1. Pixel – Four Months Old
2. Poor Pixel
3. This is Pixel, and She’s An Addict

You see, during the war, the Nazis bombed the city center to bits.  They didn’t just blow up some shit, they flattened it.  The few things they left standing included the Grote Kerk (“Big Church”) and the Stadhuis (City Hall).  Before the war Rotterdam was like any other city in the Netherlands.   It’s city center had that same old Dutch charm that Amsterdam, Utrecht and all the other Dutch cities still have today.  Now, for the most part, that is gone.

This is a typical view in Rotterdam.  It’s modern, mostly because it was forced to be.  Some people love it, others hate it.  I guess it depends on your taste and how you feel about everything that has happened here.

These are photos taken after the city center of Rotterdam was bombed.  All the old shops – gone.  The old canal houses – gone.  Everything that made the city of Rotterdam like the rest of the country was blown away.   You can see the Grote Kerk left standing in the middle of nothing.

This is the same church from another angle today.   This beautiful old church seems lost in the middle of all the modern architecture.

If you look carefully you can see evidence of the war when walking around the city, especially around the city hall.  There are still bullet holes in the building and I remember seeing it first hand in a painting when I did a tour of it a few years ago.

If you look closely you can see one of the bullet holes below the leaves of the tree.  This was one of many seen inside the city hall.   The painting was brought from Greece in 1920 when the city hall was being built and it’s still there today.  The day the Nazis entered the city hall they left the building standing but killed everyone inside.

Another example of the differences the war created…

This is Hofplein, in the center of the city, before the war.

This is what it looked like in 1945, after the Nazi strike…

… and this is what it looks like today.

It’s not that I don’t like Rotterdam.  In fact, I do.  I like that it’s modern and in many areas is more spacious than other cities here.   When I go to Amsterdam I often feel cramped and crowded, even more than I do here.   I also like that Rotterdam has a lot more modern and interesting buildings.

I can’t help but wonder sometimes how it would be if the war had never happened though, what kind of old beauty this city may have and how it would compare to cities like Amsterdam.   We’ll never know though.

For more info on Rotterdam and the war, visit this site and follow the Rotterdam links.

Related posts:

1. Sometimes I Really Love Rotterdam
2. Lock of Love Rotterdam
3. My War on Asia

At the moment I am working on some changes for my website.  I have a new theme that I am working on and I will hopefully have it up soon.  I’m working on it using the Theme Test Drive plugin for WordPress.   So I can see it and work on it while everyone else still sees the regular theme. 

If things look weird around here at some point or my site isn’t working.  It’s just cuz I screwed something up!  No need to worry! :P

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This is what the living room looked like when we moved in 8 years ago.   It doesn’t LOOK as bad as it actually was.   We had gotten the sofa and chairs from a 2nd hand shop for about 150 guilders and they were really not that nice.   All we had to put anything on was this massive Lundia unit my husband had with him at collage, that he had since he was a child.   Now, Lundia is great quality but it just looked messy and bleh to me, I hated it.

In early 2002 we invested in some new sofas.   We got them on the cheap at a local shop called Leen Bakker (kinda like K-Mart or Zellers-ish).   We got one even cheaper because it was a floor model and the color had faded on the back because of the store lighting.

I also talked hubby into cutting down on the amount of Lundia and used it just for a TV stand.

If only we’d invested in a better camera at the time!  That was taken with one of the first digital cameras we had.  I think it was 1 megapixel.

By 2004 we had banished most of the Lundia out of the living room and invested in a new TV cabinet and matching end table (later a matching coffee table followed when I got sick of this one and the junk that accumulated on the lower shelf).    We also put some cheap carpet in, which was a very bad idea with 2 cats and a dog.  After a few years, regardless of how much it was vacuumed, the carpet was stained and filthy.   It also molded to show the shape of the tiles below as we were new to the carpet thing and that put it in for us didn’t advise us to put something under it.

The pink trim on everything and the horrid pink zigzag border was driving me crazy at this point too.

By 2006 our sofas were permanently covered.   The fabric was one of those rough woven kinds of fabrics that the hair stuck in and refused to come out, and I’d washed the pillow covers so many times trying that they were starting to pill quite badly and were changing color.  The carpet was also removed.

The pink trim was gone by this point and the walls had been de-papered and repainted.  It’s hard to see in these photos though.  At this stage I was beginning to get really sick of the sofas (and the cats) and I hated the cheap, shiney, plastic vertical blinds we had in the window.  If you even touched them they’d break and fall off.

We’d also had a bigger flat screen TV that was given to us as a gift from my parents for x-mas the previous year.

The only time I would ever really be happy with our living room was at Christmas.  Especially this past x-mas (2007) when we got a lovely new fireplace.   Even though I was still hating on the sofas (which look pretty good in the photo actually, but weren’t so nice in person) and those blinds.   Everything looks better at Christmas though, doesn’t it?

So that brings us to present day, August 2008.   We’ve since gotten rid of the sofas.  We tried to sell them, tried to give them to a 2nd hand place and ended up giving them away to some random person.   Can you believe a 2nd hand shop turned down the sofas cuz of some minor cat scratching?!   Even the Salvation Army wouldn’t come for them.   Seriously, how fussy can all these poor people be?  Anyway, getting off track…

We bought a new sofa from Ikea, which was one of their showroom models.  It was in AWESOME shape, like new really, and we got over 200 euros off.  We then bought a new chair and footstool to match.

There was only one problem, once we got it all home, it just didn’t fit with the other things we had in the house.

The shape of the sofa was entirely different to what we had previously and when we got home our big coffee table just didn’t fit it properly.  Also, the sofa was much longer than the other ones we had, so it wasn’t as easy to negotiate it into our living room as the other ones had been.

We were also trying to create some more space in the house, which was starting to become crowded.   I guess this is natural after having lived here for 8 years and accumulating things, and I’m sure my big turtle tanks don’t help.

This is when we decided to just change the living room completely.  New furniture, new coffee table and a new plasma TV!  We decided on the new TV so that it could be flat against a wall and we could take away the large TV cabinet.   It was really big and took up more space than we wanted our TV to take up now.     So we are retiring our wooden living room set into our storage room in case we want it in the future if we get a bigger house.

This is what our living room looks like now…

Our plama is currently sitting on our fireplace until we are 100% sure exactly where it will sit on that wall, then we will have it mounted.  The DVD player will then go onto our fireplace and I can move that little wooden dresser (which is Xander’s ‘tool box’).  Our turtle hatchling tank fits in nicely as well.   I’ve not put up any thing on the walls yet, except the cross stitch that was already there.  No point when we may be moving things slightly once the TV is mounted.

We put up new blinds which can keep the peeping eyes out from the old folks high rise across the road and new curtains to to match the dining room and keep the sun out.  Not that that’s been needed much this summer.

So, overall we are pleased with how the room is coming along.   We’ll probably change a few things here and there (like maybe some kind of little rug for under the coffee table) but otherwise this will do us for quite some time.

This is my favorite bit.  The best part of the whole living room makeover.  My little corner.

A comfy chair with a place to put my feet up and work on my cross stitches or quilts.  My laptop right next to me so I can keep track of whatever I’m downloading, chat with friends and wait for my mom to come online while she’s at work.

It’s important I think, to have your own special place in your home where you are comfortable and can do the things you enjoy.   This is mine.

My husband has one too, in our spare room with his huge table and all of his robot stuff where he can be as messy as he wants!

Ok that’s a lie, I still harp on him to tidy it up every now and then.   I can’t help it, it’s the wife in me… it’s like asking the wind not to blow.

Related posts:

1. My Guest Room
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3. Have I Been Living in The Netherlands Too Long?

Over the years my hair has been getting shorter and shorter.  Mostly because my patience for long hair has been becoming shorter and shorter too!  In the winter months it’s fine but in the summer I hate having a lot of hair.   My hair is really fine so it tangles easily, and I just get too warm with it all hanging down around me.

I’m quickly learning that what I like the look of doesn’t always jive with what I can manage or deal with when it comes to hair.

A few years ago my hair looked like this.  I loved having such long hair as it was the first time in my life I’d ever grown it that long, but it was a nightmare to manage.   I would have to stand in the shower for ages combing conditioner through it after I washed it and even then it was a pain in the arse to comb through afterwards.  

This photo was also a rarity because I almost never wore it loose like this.   Most of the time it was in a ponytail or tied up in some weird twisted knot to keep the long warm ponytail from hanging down my back.

After gradually cutting it higher and higher up my back (which I never did bother to take photos of) I reached the above the shoulder stage, which seemed hellishly short to me at the time…

After having had such long hair for so long, this seemed like nothing to me!  I felt so light and my hair was so much easier to deal with. 

I was a happy camper.

Of course, we always adjust and adapt and forget how things used to be.

Plus, then I got glasses, and this brought on a whole new issue. 

The issue of the ear tuckage.  Where there once only used to be hair there was now the arms of glasses and that started to get to be too much behind my little ears.   I tried and tried to train myself not to tuck my hair behind my ears, but as you see in both of these photos, it wasn’t working.

Perhaps a new hairstyle that would look crap if tucked might help…

That’s when the short in the back, long in the front, layered haircut came along.

I really loved this one. 

That is, until Posh Spice ruined it on me and had everyone on the planet getting the same hairstyle.

I looked like a Posh Spice wannabe, only without the Anorexia!  Argh.

Another problem was that regardless of how crap it looked, the ear tucking continued.   Also, I now had the problem of my hair being too short and odd shaped to tie back, but too long to leave down when doing things that involved sweating… like, going to the gym or in my case, pretty much any movement at all. 

I’ve kept that hairstyle for a long time.  Longer than any other I think… but for the last few months I’ve been trying to decide between letting it grow long again so it can be tied back when I need to.  Even though it would drive me nuts… or cutting it short and risking looking like a big fat lesbian.

I decided I’d cut it short and just kiss my husband in public a lot.

This is fresh out of the shower.  It’s not REALLY so 40 year old mother of two looking when you see it for real.   Ok maybe it is, but I hope to remedy that by getting some hair products and freaking it up a bit.   Not sure how that’s going to go though, seeing as the hairspray I have in my bathroom at the moment is about 5 years old, 3/4 full and has gotten all clogged up so it shoots in one hard line.   If that gives you any idea on how often I DO my DO.

Whatever, who the hell do I need to impress anyway?  My husband and mother said they love it, even though I’m pretty sure would say that even if I had a steaming pile of horse shit on my head.   They are just that kind and loving.   Also because they both know how expensive extensions are.

I wonder if this is the end though, because I’m already wondering what it’d be like to have one of those super super short haircuts.  I’d probably not be satisfied then either, and end up wondering what it would be like to just go completely bald.  Oh man that’d be sweet!

Of course, then I’d look like a skinhead lesbian and I don’t know if even my own husband would be willing to kiss me in public to disprove that!

I’ll stick with this for now, I guess.  At the moment I’m feeling like it looks pretty crap, but I must admit, it sure is comfortable!

Related posts:

1. Finally!
2. Have I Been Living in The Netherlands Too Long?
3. Red Again