I think I have abandonment issues because I had a really weird dream last night with a common theme as of late.

I dreamed, yet again, that I was back in Canada.  I was in my hometown, driving around seeing and doing all the things I miss.   It’s all in bits and pieces now but some of the things I remember are:

A lot of dogs playing on the corner near my parents house and thinking to myself how there is no way I could let Bailey loose in that crowd.

Meeting up with some people who had a Dachshund that was sneezing it’s head off and them laughing about Teckel Syndrome which was a relief because sometimes Pixel sneezes a lot and I thought there was something wrong with her, but it turned out to be just the breed!

I stopped in front of a donut shop to wander around and see people.  It was across from a grocery store.  People I knew from high school were just randomly walking in the street and I’d be yelling ‘Hey!!’ and going up to them to catch up.  It felt great to chat with people in the street.

I saw my mother coming out of the grocery store so I ran over and we chatted for a minute and decided to go home.  I told her I’d meet her there because I had my car.   When I went back to my car, it was really low and the door was oddly shaped.  I couldn’t fit myself through it.   I was really embarrassed because I was twisting and turning myself trying to get in, like the door of the car and I were block puzzle pieces that I couldn’t fit together.   When I finally got in, I couldn’t get the car to move.   Then I realized the front left tire was gone… that ALL the tires were gone.

I stood in front of the donut shop and got out my mobile phone.   I started dialing my parents 001 – 902 – ***  etc and part way through a recording kept coming on telling me to try the number again.   I kept using the number I use from here in the Netherlands, which obviously wouldn’t work locally… but for the life of me I couldn’t figure out how to dial locally anymore.  So my phone was useless.

I started looking around for all my friends that were in the street just a minute ago, and there was nobody there.

I picked my phone up again to call Xander, then I thought… OMG, XANDER!!  Suddenly I couldn’t even remember the last time we spoke.   Had it been days, weeks?  Why hadn’t he called me during that time?  Had he forgotten about me?  I was there alone, without him and I was panicking.    For whatever reason I was unable to call him, unable to reach him at all and this sadness washed over me.

I woke up then and it took me a minute to realize where I was.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to be in Holland… and when I heard him yell good morning from his office when I stepped out of the bedroom, I almost broke into tears.

I have dreams like this quite often.  Where I am in Canada enjoying myself and doing things and seeing people I’ve been missing, and then suddenly realizing it’s been days or weeks since Xander and I had spoken.   Then I get into a big panic, as though we’d split up and I just forgot about it was unaware of it, and I want nothing more on earth than to be near him again.

It freaks me out.

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In my dream I was with my husband walking up some random street in Toronto.   All along the street people were playing games like basketball and all those dart throwing, ball chucking games that you see at the fair.  People were deliriously happy and as I walked along watching them my heart ached because I want to belong to this place again.

There was a woman with us.  She was tall, in a grey dress suit and glasses sort of like mine.  She wasn’t very friendly and didn’t like that I kept stopping to watch people play the games.  I ignored her though and kept turning to my husband and asking him if he finds this all as wonderful as I do.  To look at all we are missing out on.

It turned out that this lady was a real estate agent who was taking us to look at an apartment.   I was getting incredibly anxious because I didn’t want to look at a big, fancy, air conditioned, Canadian apartment that we will never have.  I didn’t see the point in torturing ourselves.  WHY go look at this place when we have no intention of ever living in it?

The lobby was glorious. Shiny, black marble floors with tons of space and huge windows looking out at the water.   From the front of the building we could see that we were not too far from the CN Tower.   I didn’t want to go in, but I followed them anyway.

When we got to the apartment door, my heart was in my throat because I knew if I saw it I would beg and plead with my husband to stay there.  To just drop everything and stay in this beautiful place that feels so familiar and so RIGHT to me.  It made me ache though because I knew that no matter how much I loved it, it would never be enough to make him want to live there too.

When we walked in, I was confused.  It was a small, outdated, dingy apartment with a bed in the living room, a disgusting little bathroom off the kitchen that was separated only by a shower curtain for a door.   It smelled funny and everything in there was various shades of green.

I thought to myself that it was sort of funny, how I’d built it up in my head to be this wonderful thing, and it turned out to be so much less than I had imagined it to be.   I was torn between the feeling of wanting to be back in Toronto and the realization that it may not be all I remember it to be.

The apartment had a big balcony and when I stepped outside I saw a city bathed in sunshine with stunning buildings and streets busy with people playing games and enjoying themselves.   When I looked inside all I saw was a dreary apartment that I wouldn’t want to spend an hour in, let alone a lifetime.

My husband had a sort of I told you so look on his face, which infuriated me.  A look that told me that he knew that it was a waste of time even coming to look.

In a way I felt like this was my only chance to plead my case and show him how different things could be, and instead it turned out to be worse somehow.  I felt like I just couldn’t win, ever… with anything.

That’s all I remember.

Not sure what it all means, but it was a dream that made me wake up feeling sad and like I’m missing out on something, somewhere.   A different life than I have now.   I hate that feeling because I know that no matter where I am, I want to be with my husband… but sometimes, especially with dreams like this, I am left wondering how life might be different if we had made a few different decisions along the way.

I will shake it off, as I usually do… by reminding myself of how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband, the opportunity to see the places I’ve seen and do some of the things I’ve done.   I guess I’m just waiting for a time when I don’t have to do that anymore, when I am not haunted by the what if’s.

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Last night I had the strangest dream.   I was walking down the street with some friends, I was in my home town but other than a few of my old friends from High School everyone was Dutch.  They were dressed in orange like during the World Cup and I was too.   One of the streets was like a canal and there was a hippo resting in the water.   I remembered being chased by a hippo a few weeks prior to this and was sort of nervous passing it by, but everyone else was walking past it, petting it and it didn’t even move.

When it came my turn to walk past, the hippo raised it’s head and looked at me.  Then it slowly started coming out of the water and walking around to a ramp at the end of the canal.  I started getting nervous because of my previous experience with hippos but I figured my luck couldn’t be that bad.

Someone near me shouted “He doesn’t like that color!!” and suddenly I was the only one wearing orange, and I realized he was charging straight towards me.   I turned around and ran but I could feel him nudging me from behind with his nose.

I knew my orange shirt was the cause of the attack so I tried to take it off.  I was still running and didn’t care about the crowds of people looking at me as I tried to lift it over my head.  I got stuck, and somehow my arms and head got tangled in the shirt and I couldn’t get it off, so I was running around blindly with my boobs hanging out and a hippo trying to trample me.

That’s all I remember, thank god… but I’m pretty sure I hate hippos now.

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I have lost most of it from my memory but these are parts I remember:

A talking horse that was small, more like a pony.  He was white with spots and was smarter than me.

A skinny geeky guy in a huge truck type thing, like a massive landrover.  It was really flash and I remember thinking that he was making up for the fact that he was a loser.

A soccer field where I had a crush on one of the guys who was playing.  His uniform was blue and white.

Some sort of competition which involved myself and some old friends, plus thousands of others. Part of it was to paint a wall and for some reason my paint kept being different colors on different parts of the wall.

My father owned a shop that sold old music DVD’s from the 70′s and earlier. All crap I had never heard of and I remember thinking how clever he was because nobody would be able to find that stuff for download.

While I was in his shop there was a huge bowl of chocolate covered coffee beans and I kept dipping into it and eating them until my mother reminded me I was on a diet.  I had apparently completely forgotten this and immediately felt guilty.

I woke up feeling guilty too.

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I dreamed that I was a CSI, only I specialized in bones.  I was called to the scene of this dead woman on some stairs on the side of some building about 3 levels high.

For whatever reason, we had to cut off her head so I could get all the tissue off it to check her bones.  I put her head in a bag and gave it to someone through a window in my office.

Then there was a man and a younger guy who died and we came to the conclusion that they died in the same way as the woman.

Just as we were putting the man in a body bag, he CAME BACK TO LIFE!  Then a short while later the younger guy did too! WTF?!

The people I worked with figured out that they didn’t really die, they just had this weird blood disease that made them SEEM like they did.  When they came ‘back to life’ they still had whatever this disease was and their time was limited, but they weren’t dead!

I was in a panic because I was after cutting this chick’s head off!  Who, as it turned out, was the wife and mother of these other two non-dead weirdos.

It didn’t matter though because she came back anyway.  This really was some awesome disease because even though I lobbed her head off, she came back anyway, in a brand new body!  New clothes and all…

Then something happened and I found out that I had this disease too, and I knew I was going to die.  All these people wanted to get together with me and we went on a bus.  Somehow I was in a relationship with the son of the woman who I decapitated and I was sitting on the bus with my hand on his thigh laughing and telling our bus buddies how his parents were both dead, but not really… and soon we’d be dead.

There was an older black guy on the bus that I didn’t know, and an elderly couple who said they were going to die too.

The bus was driving around my neighbourhood in North Sydney (back in Canada) and there was a load of people I went to school with on it.   They were all so happy to see me and I took great pleasure in telling them all that I was a doctor.

When the bus let us out, it was up the street from my parents house where Jack’s corner store used to be.  We were walking to my parent’s house and saw all these wild animals… hedgehogs, deer and other animals that I don’t even think exist.. I think I made them up in my head in my dream.

Then we were standing around a campfire and I was joking with one of the guys who I dated when I was in high school, telling my friends about how we broke up.  He corrected me and told me that the thing I thought he did was not really as I thought, and really he was doing something really nice for me and I felt like a dumbass for breaking up with him.

I don’t remember much more than that, but it was a really gloomy and weird dream.  Knowing you are going to die is weird, and even in my dream it scared the shit out of me.

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Then it was time to get in the sailboat, it was weird because there was benches all around the sides but nowhere to put your legs, so I had to fold myself up all weird. We didn’t really do anything other than sit there, some guy did all the actual sailing work.

Then we were in this harbour, with tons of boats and what looked like floating shops. One of the girls pointed out this little floating building, about 2x the size of an out house that was nicely painted and lit up. She said the name of it, which was a really clever name but I forget now, and how they have the best yarn around. It was a floating yarn shop and I remember saying “Fuuuuuck, why don’t we have those in Rotterdam?”. I was thinking to myself in my dream what a waste it was that Rotterdam has all these harbours and no floating shops!

We sailed over to the side of the harbour and went into this old dilapitated building, but we had the sailboat with us. It became this funny kind of boat like you saw people make on kids shows where there is no bottom and you just hold it around your waist. I’m not sure what the point of going in there was but there was nothing to see. We slid the boat down this plank back into the water.

Just as we were about to hit the water I saw this tiny little frog on a lillypad, he was really bright green and I wanted to hold him. He jumped away as the boat hit though and I couldn’t see him anymore. When I was looking for him I noticed all these other frogs under the water but they were bigger, and fatter, and had a sort of army print coloring to them. I had these huge oven mits on my hands and reached into the water and grabbed one. It didn’t try to jump out of my hand and I was showing everyone “hey look, a frog!” and nobody seemed impressed.

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I was in an area where there was a lot of people, like a city center or a mall or something and there were different areas that only certian people could go. Someone showed me how to trick the system so that I could appear to be a better class than I was and get better access to the cooler areas.

Then wherever it was that I was at, it was lunch time. I had a tray in my hands with this food on it that looked like some weird cross between spaghetti and chili (I hate chili) and I really had to go to the bathroom. I was looking around this place and suddenly there was at least twice as many people, they were flooding out of all these different areas. I saw a sign that said American Bathrooms and thought that I could find a place to go there, because the american bathrooms have more toilets than whatever the alternative was in my dream. I can only assume it was European bathrooms.

It was like the bathroom and the lunch room were the same place. The room was the size of a stadium and there were people milling about everywhere. I was desperate to get to a toilet but every stall I looked into had someone in it. The thing was, the stalls were all different… some had a little window so you could look outside the stall while sitting on the toilet, others had a little room before the toilet where people were hanging out and some had no toilet at all, just a little bench with a table that people had their food on.

I looked into one stall and there was a young girl in there, not someone I remember knowing now that I’m awake… but she was throwing up blood. It was disturbing but I moved on. I saw other random things, people having sex, a boy eating some weird cubed meat off a toilet seat and other things I remember too vaguely to describe. I do remember seeing a number of my childhood friends, they were all in their late teens or so.

After what seemed like a long time, I knew lunchtime was almost over so I had to find a place. There was a guy who I met up with that was helping me search, he was young, mexican and attractive. A friend of another guy who I knew better, and I was surprised by how nice he was being to me.

When we found an empty stall it wasn’t really a stall. It was like a table with a little round stool but apparently it was what I was looking for. There was no walls, no door, I was completely out in the open. He stood behind me with his hand on my shoulder and I gave him this “Wtf I can’t do this with you standing there” look, so he left and went to sit at a nearby table. This is when it got really weird, because I sat my plate on the stool, pulled my pants down and sat on it.

Although I don’t remember feeling any physical action in my dream, I think I was eating with my ass! As I sat there I realized that the knitted sweater I had on had hung down behind me and was getting dirty with this chili spaghetti, so I took it off, don’t remember what I did with it. I sat there long after the plate was empty, feeling totally embarassed and wondering how I was going to wipe my ass without everyone looking at me. So I sat there, on this dirty empty plate with this mystery sauce smudged all over my ass, humiliated and afraid to move in case anyone noticed, which I know they did but to everyone around me it seemed normal somehow.

Don’t remember much after that, I think I woke up before I ever solved my ass wiping conundrum.

Is that fucked up or what?!

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There was cleaning products in bulk in the cupboards, and the food was all stuffed in weird places like in the stove and in the livingroom cabinets. The place was a mess, not dirty but untidy… but for some reason I felt comfortable there. I was tired and curled up in his bed. When I woke up he was there and so were my cats. He was being not just civil with me, but friendly, which was something I hadn’t seen from him in a long time. At one point he tried to kiss me and it totally freaked me out.

Then it registered with me that the cats were there, and I had no idea how they got there so I tried to talk him into keeping them. I was telling him how well they got on with his other little cat and that the hair and litter in my house is making me crazy. He didn’t seem to be going for it and I didn’t manage to talk him into it before I woke up. I wonder if that means deep down I wish I’d left them behind in Toronto and not brought them here.

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Friday night I had a dream that me and my parents were driving to my nana’s house for sunday dinner when I asked her “So has Kathy said anything to you about her morning sickness?” and mom replied “Oh! Yeah I forgot to tell you… she told me last night that she is pregnant”. Then in my dream I had a tantrum about how every woman on earth is getting pregnant but not me. hahaha

Saturday morning my mother phoned me to tell me Kathy is pregnant. Holy shit! I’m psychic! I was sort of bummed at first, as I am anytime a friend or family member gets pregnant.. Not because I don’t want them to have that happiness, just because it’s frustrating that we are trying so hard and not getting there. I’m happy for her though, she’s eight years older than me and newly married so she was feeling the rush of trying to have a child before she turned 40. I’m going to be an aunt again… and every time I hear the word aunt I think about Monica from Friends when she says “Hi! I’m your aunt Monica! I …. I…. I will always have gum!”

Tonight we are going to see Cirque du Soliel, which was our anniversary present to each other. I’m so excited! Hopefully I’ll be able to get a few pics.

Now, saving the best news for last…. I’m free! I’m freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I finally bucked up and called my teacher to get the results of the exams I did a few weeks ago. I was going to go there and get them personally but I realized that I hadn’t renewed my tram card. So much for fucked with a capital F, because I got 99% – 100% on them all. Not bad for someone who never attends class and never does any work, good grief!

I made up some bullshit excuse for why I won’t be there this week (We verbouwen! – We are renovating!) and said I wouldn’t be there next week either because I’ll be at a client’s in Den Hague all week, that part is true. That’s when I got the surprise. The classes are over in two weeks! All she said was to make sure I go there some time this week to sign up for classes starting in September. I guess they don’t give you shit if you do well on the tests… awesome! So now I’m free until I go back in September, then in October I’ll do my test and that will be the end of it. Yay!

*Edits in an hour later*
I forgot to tell about my Saturday night dream..
I was in a bedroom with my mother and my nana. We were discussing something serious but I’m not sure what. It seemed like a really special moment and was so real.. like I’d gone back in time or something. I was laying on my belly on the bed, nana was sitting at the head of the bed leaning against the wall and my mother was sitting on the end of the bed. I turned and looked at my nana, who looked the way I remember her looking before I got sick. So healthy and full of life… and I said to her, “So what does it feel like to be dead?”. I don’t remember what she answered but I know I woke up not long after that and felt weird all day.

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Xander’s mom is totally whipping our asses into shape and making us work in the house. It was funny because yesterday I was talking to my mother and telling her all the work we got done yesterday and she told me I shouldn’t work his mother too hard. I had to laugh because she’s the one working us! We’re getting an amazing amount done though and the place is really starting to look good.

Our diningroom is almost finished… Gone from a ghastly white/pink to a lovely brownish color with white trim. We still have to cover one wall with the fiberglass wallpaper so we can paint it as well. It’s really exciting to see the difference in the house because every little thing we change makes it feel more and more like our home rather than that place we put our stuff.

Was watching Survivor last night, so it’s Tom and Katie left. I hope the jury has the sense to vote for Tom because he’s far more deserving than miss “I played the cards I was dealt”. She lucked into the spot she was in and wouldn’t even be there if it weren’t for Ian. What’s sad is that he’ll probably still vote for her, probably hoping to get into her pants after the show .. just like the geek he is.

Had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamed that Corinne, the girl next door, brought over a little box for us to hold for her. When we looked inside it had drugs in it and all these miniature needles for shooting up. A guy showed up at the door who was clearly a drug dealer and he wanted the money for the drugs. He wouldn’t believe us that they weren’t ours, that it was from the neighbour and he was pissed. There was a really long thin pencil laying on the table, sort of the shape of a knitting needle. It was blue. He stabbed Xander in the chest with it and he was dieing right befoe my eyes.. I was so upset I was not just crying but wailing. When the girl next door came back looking for the box I was furious. I was in a complete rage and told her what had happened, she wasn’t at all concerned and just wanted the box back. Then I grabbed onto her and beat her head off our bedroom wall until she was dead. I can still remember her blood on the wall, it was so vivid.

Xander told me this morning that I must have had a really good or really bad dream because I was whimpering in my sleep. I told him about my dream and he’s fairly convinced that I’m a complete psycho. Can’t really argue with him…

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