FIRST: THE JOURNEY & CHECKING IN

Xander and I left Rotterdam in the early in the evening on Tuesday January 17th to head for Brugge, Belgium.  We decided that instead of doing the 2.5 hour drive the morning of my surgery to check in at the hospital at 10:30am, that we would take our time and drive down the evening before, spend the night in the hotel where he would be staying and then take our time in the morning. This was the best decision we could have made because it gave me a chance to just relax.  Had we gotten up and been trying to navigate our way through Antwerp during rush hour, we both would have been stressed and that wouldn’t have done me any good going into the surgery.  We got to the hotel that evening, curled up in bed and watched a movie and just took it easy.

The next morning we got up and took our time.  The hospital was only a few minutes away so I laid in bed with my laptop watching some shows while trying not to think about things too much.  Then we got up and took my “before” photos (which I will share at some point, but not quite yet) and got ready to head out.  I was nervous but not nearly as nervous as I was expecting to be.  I was actually a little excited as I would be meeting two other women for the first time after communicating on our clinic’s forums and Facebook messages.  We were all there for the same surgery and were glad that we had new friends to go through the experience with.

They had both arrived before we did so their numbers were called first.  Each of them told me their room numbers before heading up and when my number was called to check in, I was thrilled to find out that I would be sharing a room with one of them!  I was, however, a bit confused as we were on the 7th floor and from what I’ve heard all bariatric patients stay either on the 3rd or 11th floor.

When I got to the room I realized what was going on, and what a pleasant surprise it was!  Due to the hospital being so busy, myself and Martine were placed in the maternity ward in one of the most beautiful with lots of space and even our own kitchenettes!

You’ll have to forgive the quality of the photos, I had only my mobile phone with me.

This was my bed for the duration of my stay.  At the bottom of the photo you can see the dining table that was a part of my kitchenette.  My roommate’s side of the room was a mirror image of mine, with her bed facing me on the opposite side of the room and her kitchenette to the left of my bed (and mine to the left of hers).  It was such a great setup and with a long curtain to section off the room we had the choice of having it open and chatting or being able to close it to have a bit of privacy during the night or times when we just weren’t particularly in the mood to be social (which didn’t happen much at all really, we quite enjoyed each other’s company!)

This was my kitchenette and closet area.  There was a small fridge, sink with cold water, coffee maker and microwave.  You can see my TV above but I didn’t use that a lot as I had my laptop with TV shows I’d downloaded and saved to watch while I was there.   I specifically saved shows that I loved most so that it would help me pass the time.  Xander loved having the kitchenette while he was there as he could make himself coffee and keep stuff he swiped from the hotel buffet in my little fridge.

This little glass room was just to the right of my bed, which ordinarily is used for keeping the babies in.  Apparently that’s not how it is done in the Netherlands. According to Martine they are kept by your bed after giving birth, but maybe this is meant to give the mothers a chance to have some quiet and get some rest… I’m not sure.

Martine and I both took the fact that we were placed in the maternity ward together as a sign, as we both were having the surgery to lose weight because we were having difficulty getting pregnant.  We liked to think that the universe was trying to tell us something.

As you can see we also had a very comfortable reclining chair next to our beds, which our husbands made good use of!

I didn’t take photos of the room in its entirety because Martine and her family were on the other side and I wanted to respect their privacy.  It was a beautiful, big room though and we were both so happy to have it all to ourselves!

We also had our own big private bathroom, which a lot of rooms don’t have. On other floors there are shared showers in the hall, but we had our own shower cabin with massage jets and the whole nine yards.  I’m wishing I’d taken photos of that now in hindsight.

This was the view out of our window.  As you can see the weather was rather crap for some of our stay, but we did see some sun.  Not that it mattered, neither one of us spent that much time hanging around looking out the window!

THE WAIT

We arrived in the room at I guess between 11:00 – 11:30 am and we were both a bit nervous.  When the nurses came in to check our blood pressure and everything I made sure to tell them how dreadfully nauseated I was after my gallbladder surgery.  They marked it down and told me they would make sure to let them know so that they could try to prevent it this time around.  When they came back around noon I also asked if they knew when I’d be operated on and they said I would be going in at 3:50pm in the afternoon.  I groaned because I was already starving and dying of thirst, having not eaten since 6pm the night before and not being able to even drink water after 8am that morning.   I can’t even imagine how Martine felt when they told her she wouldn’t be operated on until 7:30pm that evening!  Well, no I could imagine because she groaned loudly and said exactly how she felt about it! haha

I had over three hours to kill in that hospital room before my surgery and I tried my best to keep my nerves at bay.  I unpacked my suitcase, took some photos and sat on my bed doing some deep breathing.  I really wanted to go into this with a positive attitude and made a point of reminding myself again and again that it was all temporary, that it was all going to go by in a flash and it was just a tiny blip in this entire process.  This really did help from keeping that agonizing fear of the pain and unknown from sending me into a total tailspin.

TIME TO GO

As luck would have it, I didn’t end up spending over three hours trying to calm myself at all because no sooner did the nurses leave, but then they were right back again with a gown telling me to get changed and get in the bed, because my time had come!  The nerves came over me like a tidal wave but I had no time to worry about it… I went in the bathroom and stripped off to get into my gown.  What the heck was going on?  Why was I being taken down a half hour later rather than 3.5 hours like they said?  When I asked later I was told it was because the surgeon’s plans often change due to people not realizing things like they can’t smoke or drink before the surgery.

I got in the bed and the two young nurses came to wheel me out.  I could tell that Xander was trying not to cry but after a quick kiss they wheeled me out of there before either of us really had a chance to get emotional.  They were very sweet on the way down to the surgery, making small talk and trying to keep my mind off things.  I was feeling surprisingly calm at that point though as I knew it was too late to turn back and was trying to keep a steady stream of positive thoughts going through my head.  I was happy to be going in sooner rather than later, as it was less time for me to sit around letting the tension build.

They took me down to what I can only assume was the basement and left my bed in a corner.  I was all by myself in this weird space with a TV and some children’s DVD’s, a door that had plastic and orange construction tape all around it.  Definitely a change from the beautifully modern hospital that sat above it… and I must admit, not the best view when waiting to go into surgery.  It felt more like I was being taken down to a dungeon somewhere rather than a surgery theater.

A woman came along and spoke very quickly with a mask over her mouth, which was a bit of a problem for me.  I can get by decently in Dutch but in Belgium the language is different and it takes a massive amount more concentration for me to follow, especially in a situation like that where my mind has so many thoughts going through it at once.  She asked me (the same as 3-4 people before her) my name, what I was there for and if I’d eaten or had anything to drink that day.  She seemed to be in a bit of a hurry and a real no nonsense type so I just answered and then hoped she’d go away.

Soon after another lady arrived with a different bed and asked me to scoot over to that one.  The first lady said something to her and then I heard (like the sound of angels singing!!) the second lady exclaiming in a British accent “Oh you speak English!!”.  HAAAAALLELUJAH!!  Turns out she is British and an expat like me.  I could have kissed her!   She explained that she was the anesthetic nurse and would be assisting in my surgery.  She did all of the prep work, asked me a lot of questions and got me ready for when the anesthetist showed up.  We chatted a lot which, again, did a lot to help settle my nerves.   She asked if Dr. Dillemans (my surgeon) had been to see me yet and I told her he hadn’t, so she got on the phone and told him to get his butt down there.  The nurses had already explained his insane schedule so I wasn’t all that surprised.

It wasn’t long after that the anesthetist showed up and asked me the same round of questions.  I figured if I was going to keep answering their questions repeatedly I’d repeatedly tell them about how sick I was at my last surgery.  He told me that I would be given something before I woke up and that it would all be good.  He also agreed that the amount of pain meds that I was given after my gallbladder surgery may have attributed to the amount of nausea I had.  I was determined that when I woke up this time that I would take a beat and give myself time to come to my senses before giving any indication of my pain levels.  When I had my gallbladder surgery it was my first ever, so when I woke up I was terrified of the pain I was feeling and kept asking for more and more pain relief… to the point of them having to all the anesthetist back as they’d already surpassed what the nurses were allowed to give me.

Once they had my IV in and were done asking me all those questions for the millionth time, they hung around chatting and joking with me until Dr. Dillemans arrived.  I particularly liked their jokes about how if I found him handsome it was probably just the drugs!  You see, Dr. Dillemans has a bit of a reputation for being quite the charmer!

Next thing I knew, he had arrived… he called me Sarah which made me give a big inner “PFFF” (Sarah, Tammy… I guess all those North American names are the same to them), told me I was in good hands, patted my hand and then it was a total blur.  They were putting a mask over my face, telling me to breathe deeply and that it might make me dizzy, putting a needle in my arm, with stuff that burned like a mofo going in my hand and up to my elbow and then… LIGHTS OUT!!

WAKING UP

The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room.  Much like when I had my previous operation, I woke up feeling like I was under a truck.  I was very groggy, my entire body was trembling, like big huge shakes (especially my legs) and the first thought to go through my mind was “PAIN DRUGS PAIN GIVE ME DRUGS” but thankfully I remembered not to say it out loud.  The nurse was very friendly and told me that the surgery went great and asked me how I was feeling.  I responded that I didn’t know yet, that I would need a minute.  She pulled the blanket down and unfolded my arms which were crossed over my upper belly, explaining not to hold them there because the pressure would cause me pain.  I had just woken up and assumed someone had placed my arms there as I wasn’t able to really move them on my own yet.

She told me to try to take some nice deep breaths so I said I would and she went off to check on someone else.  As I laid there I slowly tried to inhale, remembering that I’d heard that the deep breaths will help work that dreadful gas (that they pump into you to blow up the cavity in your belly so they can work) out of your system.  It hurt like a SOB but I kept trying to make one deep breath after another.

I looked slowly from side to side, taking in what was going on around me.  I was in a long room filled with beds, which opened up into the hallway they wheeled me through from the dungeon corridor to the surgery.  The place was chalk full of patients, with beds even lined up along the hallway.  I was lucky and had the nurses station right at the foot of my bed so I at least had something to watch while getting myself together.

There was an older man on my left hand side who didn’t seem to be dealing with things very well. He kept trying to pull things out and move around and get up and there was a nurse with him constantly talking to him and trying to keep him calm.  My brain wasn’t together enough to even try to figure out what either of them were saying but I really wondered who he was and what he had done to him.  Whatever it was, he was not a happy camper at all.

After laying there a while and waking up a bit more, much as I suspected, the pain was bad but bearable.  Once I got over that initial shock after just waking up it was ok.  So when the nurse came back to check on me I told her I was fine and just continued to lay there.  It wasn’t long before I saw her pointing to me and the two young nurses were back again to take me back to my room.

When I arrived back in my room Xander was there and was eager to see me.  I think he was surprised at how alert I was because I was so out of it after my last surgery that I ended up just asking him to leave.  I noticed that Martine and her bed were gone and they told me that she was brought down shortly before and was being operated on just after me.  I was glad for her that she was also getting it over with because sitting there waiting until 7:30pm wasn’t going to be any fun at all.

I had a chance to lay there and really assess how I was feeling.  The most annoying pain after any laparoscopic surgery, from what I can tell from my two experiences with it, is the gas I mentioned.  As this gas is working its way up out of your body it irritates the CRAP out of the nerves in your shoulders.   So while I did have a fair amount of pain in my upper abdomen, what I remember being most painful was the jabbing pains in my shoulders.  My upper belly felt very sore and tight but it was more of a deep constant pain.  The shoulders didn’t hurt constantly but rather when I moved and then settled again it felt like someone was stabbing me in the shoulder and chest, and THAT was bloody annoying.

While I was laying there Xander took this photo of me to send to my mother to let her know I got out of surgery, was alert and doing fine.  Well first he took this one:

… but he said I looked psycho with my weird wave and green crap all over my face (apparently the green crap is stuff they put down into your stomach to check for leaks after the surgery).

He mom-thumbed (licking his thumb and trying to wipe the green stuff off) me before taking the non psycho wave photo, but I mean really… neither photo is anything to write home about.   I look pretty darn hideous in both… but hey, I’m trying to keep it real here.

So that was it, my surgery was over.  It was all said and done!!  Now the real fun was about to begin… starting with the rest of my hospital stay, more on that soon!

Related posts:

1. Dr. Oz on Gastric Bypass
2. My Mini Surgery!
3. Confessions of a Fat Girl: The Last Resort

Ok, well it looks like this is becoming a bit of a series, this whole Confessions thing.  I’ve been trying to be as honest and open as possible about my efforts to lose weight, as well as about my issues with infertility.  I think the greater part of my reason for it is because it makes me feel better to get it all out.  I also continue to do it because I know that there are other people out there, like me, who find it helpful when others open up about their experiences. If reading my story can help inform someone or, at the very least, let them know they aren’t alone, then that’s a great reason too.

Anyway, let’s get down to the reason why I’m writing today.  There’s no leading up to this and I’ve found that the best way to do it is the tried and true ripping off the bandaid approach.

I am going to have weight loss surgery.  On January 18th, 2012 I am having gastric bypass surgery, which is shown in the video below, for those who don’t know what it is.

Ok, now it’s out there, there is no turning back.  I know some of you already know this, but many don’t and I’m sure for those people it has come as a bit of a shock to your system but that’s ok.  It was a bit of a shock to mine as well!

If you had asked me this time last year where I’d be right now, I would have said that I’d have all of my weight off and be about to start IVF.  I was after losing 85 pounds, feeling great and was well on my way to reaching my goals.  I would have puffed my chest out and exclaimed that NOTHING was getting in my way, I was a woman on a mission and I was kicking ass and taking names.

That was before this happened, before the fertility treatments began, before the hormones, stress, and disappointment that came along with the six months of fertility treatments.  I had totally underestimated the toll that would take on me and how difficult it would make losing weight.  Hell, how difficult it would be to keep the weight I’d already lost off… because I am an emotional eater and this was one of the most emotional experiences I have been through.  I wish I didn’t, and I’ve tried to change it over the years, but food has always equaled comfort for me.  So when I was loaded with hormones and dying with anticipation and anxiety over whether I had gotten pregnant that month, I ate.  When I realized I wasn’t pregnant again that month, I was sad, angry, and disappointed…. so I ate.

In the last year I have tried time and time again to get back on track and find that strength I had the year before.  I’d do detox after detox, tried having my doctor send me to another dietitian and still I couldn’t seem to make it happen.  Instead of continuing to lose the weight, I gained back half of what I lost and it felt horrible.

The thing is, I know many people feel that if you want something badly enough you just do it.  How I wish it were that simple, and I think if it were the world wouldn’t have the obesity problems it has today.  Nobody WANTS to be overweight, nobody wants to have the health issues that come along with it or to be made fun of and have their self esteem trampled into the dirt.  Nobody wants that.

In my experience (and I fully admit this may just be me) I have found that the more I had riding on this, the more difficult it became.  My biological clock has been ticking VERY loudly and not only my chances of having children, but also my husband’s, relied on me losing weight.  That’s a lot of pressure and that pressure and stress turned out to not be a motivation for me, but an obstacle.  It was constantly there nagging at me and stressing me out.

Weight loss surgery was first suggested to me by my gynecologist in 2006 and let me tell you, I did NOT take kindly to that suggestion at all.  I was furious that she would even suggest that to me because I’d started losing weight on my own and was convinced that I could get it done.  That was one of many times in the past six years when I was convinced I was going to get it done on my own.

Over the years I’ve tried the general eat less move more method, Weight Watchers, Low Carbing and everything in between.  Generally I’d lose 25-30 lbs and then whatever would happen, whether it was a family member dying back home, other family issues, winter blues or whatever, I would then turn around and gain it back… and then some.  Which lead to the great scale disaster of 2008, when I stepped on and realized I weighed over 300 lbs.

How fucking embarrassing it still is to say that.

As I said, I thought the recent 85 lb weight loss was really going to be it, as I’d gone further than I ever have, but it wasn’t, and what can I do about it now after letting another year slip by and gaining half of it back?

The weight loss surgery was given to me as an option by both my fertility specialist and my family doctor over the years. They didn’t really push it on me, rather just let me know it was there.  Every time I’d hold my hand up and tell them no.  I mean weight loss surgery?!   Were they out of their freaking minds?!!  When I declined they would do whatever they could, whether it was sending me to a weight loss program that paid for a gym membership, or to a new dietitian, they really did try to help motivate me and give me what I needed to try to lose the weight.

Looking back, I think the one thing we should have done, but didn’t, was see a therapist about WHY I am an emotional eater, and try to solve those problems. I think that would have gone a long way to helping me finally beat this issue once and for all.  Oh but we all know about hindsight…

After recent talks with my doctor, and the new dietitian (who I absolutely ADORE) together we have come to the following conclusions:

1. I will be 37 years old in a few months, and once I hit 40 any chances I have of having IVF are over.

2. After 35 years of age, the success rate with IVF pretty much drops by half every year.

3. After the re-gain, for me to now get to the HIGHEST weight acceptable for IVF (which also means the weight that gives me the lowest chance of success) it would take me 12-15 months.  I would still be considered overweight, still be hovering around the 200 lb mark and while I would be ALLOWED to have IVF by slipping in under the line… when taking my age and weight into consideration, my chances of getting pregnant would be very very low.

4. In that 12-15 months, with the surgery, I could not only get to a weight to be allowed to have IVF but surpass that and reach a much lower and healthier weight.  This would not only increase my chances of conceiving greatly, but put me in a much better position for a healthy pregnancy if I’m lucky enough to have one at all.

5. If, heaven forbid, the IVF doesn’t work, I won’t still be seriously overweight, emotional and trying to move on. I will hopefully have much fitter body, better outlook on life and feel more energetic and motivated to move on with life, free of FAT and INFERTILITY, for the first time in as long as I can remember.

6. I HAVE tried on my own, for YEARS. I have done the work, I’ve fought the fight and really made an honest to goodness effort to do this on my own, that is something nobody will ever be able to accuse me of, not trying my hardest on my own.  As much as I’d like to THINK I could get this done on my own over the next year, I thought that last year as well and I was in a much better position then.  I was 40 lbs lighter than I am now and felt a million times better.

7. If I don’t decide to take this leap now, and a year from now haven’t managed to get the weight off on my own, it may be too late.  As my doctors said, I’m at a critical point now in regards to my weight and age.  If I turn down the surgery now, and in a year still haven’t gotten the weight off, I risk missing my window completely… because when factoring in waiting and recovery periods with the surgery, it will be too late.  I wouldn’t be able to get it all done in time to still slip in under the age limit for the IVF.

This is not a decision I’ve made lightly, nor is it something I am taking lightly.  I don’t view the surgery as a fix for anything and I’m fully aware that unless I DO sort out my issues with food and do the work that I’ll eventually just gain all the weight back.  I know all the risks and rewards and have basically dedicated the past few months of my life to this.  I’ve been gathering info on the different surgeries available, visiting the clinic, speaking and visiting with people who have had or are going to have surgery, learning more about food and eating after the surgery and talking extensively about this with my close family and friends.

I have also been working hard to set up a support system for myself.  I’ve been trying to get to know other people who have been or are being treated by the same clinic, I’ve gone to one of their meetings and that was incredibly helpful and gave me a lot of insight.  I have a few friends who have done this and they’ve been wonderfully supportive and I’m currently working on getting set up with a therapist (outside of the one I see in the after care program from the clinic) to really dig deep and help me once and for all put an end to my dysfunctional relationship with food.

Basically, if I’m going to take this drastic step, I feel like I have to really do the work to make sure it sticks, because it’s really not a place I ever thought I’d be in my life.  Weight loss surgery was something I never thought I’d even consider because I had a lot of the same opinions other people who have never faced it have… it’s the easy way out, the lazy way out, weight loss surgery is for losers who can’t be arsed to do it on their own.

Boy, let me tell you… has my opinion changed since I have had to stare this beast face to face.  It’s anything but easy.  In fact, it’s going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  It’s a massive life change, it’s going to be painful at times, sad at times and I’m sure there will be a few screaming fits in the mix along the way… but I’m hopeful that one day it will be worth it.

I won’t lie, I’m scared to death.  I’m scared of the surgery, the time in the hospital, making the huge changes that are required, how people are going to react to me doing this, of possibly gaining the weight back someday, of complications or crappy side effects (like losing hair, ugh!) and a million other things.

That said though, I am confident in my decision and I know that this is the right choice for me at this time.  It wasn’t six years ago, it wasn’t four years ago and it wasn’t this time last year… but it is now.  I will be operated on by Dr. Bruno Dillemans in Brugge Belgium, who is one of the top bariatric surgeons in the world, so that is very comforting.  The reason the surgery is taking place in Belgium is because I am having it done via a private clinic outside Amsterdam, rather than one of the hospitals in Rotterdam.  The waiting period for the surgery at the hospitals in Rotterdam is between 9-12 months, which when you factor in the 12 months I’ll need to set aside after the surgery for the weight loss, is too long in my situation.  Thankfully my insurance company forwarded me to this clinic which has only a 3 month waiting period.   The super surgeon is an added bonus.

I have waited until almost the last minute to write about this because I wanted to tell the people who are closest to me and I wanted to give myself time to process it and be confident and secure enough to deal with everyone’s questions and reactions.  I was very insecure about this in the beginning, I felt like a total failure and like I WAS giving up, but I don’t feel that way anymore.  I know that if all I wanted was an easy or lazy way out I would have jumped at the chance one of the many times it was mentioned to me over the last six years.  I also don’t think I have failed, I managed to lose 85 lbs, which is something a lot of people can’t do at all, let alone with as much riding on it as I have had.  I have tried my hardest to do this on my own and I no longer see this as a failure, rather just choosing another path that gives me the greatest chance of achieving my goals.

Another reason I feel comfortable enough to be open about this now is because of how unbelievably supportive and understanding my close friends and family have been.  In the beginning I was terrified to tell people for fear of how they’d react but everyone has been so understanding and supportive.  Sure, they are worried for me as it is a major surgery and a life changing event, but like me they are hopeful that whether the IVF works or not, that in the end this will all lead to me having a healthier, happier and more productive life.  Even those that I thought would have a sort of *shock horror* response have not had that at all, quite the opposite actually and their support has meant the world to me.

I will have the surgery on January 18th and I’ve been sure to make no big plans for the first few months of the year, as there is quite a long recovery period and I won’t be working on a lot of calories in the beginning so I won’t have a lot of energy. So for those nearby please don’t be offended if I am a bit scarce for a while, hopefully I’ll be back in action soon!  You are all welcome to come by for a visit though!!

Well, that’s all my news!  I’m going to stop now as this has, in true Canadutch style, turned into a total novel.  I know I’ll re-read this and there will be 100 little bits of info I’d wish I’d included but I’m going to try to restrain myself!

Related posts:

1. Confessions of a Fat Girl
2. Confessions of a Fat Girl: Fat and Feminine?
3. The Fat Lady

We actually visited the area twice, but the first day it was too cloudy and they said we wouldn’t be able to see anything, so we moved on and visited some caves in the area.  The next day it was still partially cloudy but it was our last chance so we went up anyway.

You can see the clouds in the above photo that I took on the day that we ended up leaving.  We sort of suspected that it might be too cloudy as the entire campground was in the middle of a cloud when we woke up, but we hoped it would clear up by the time we got there.  No such luck.

The next day things were a lot more clear and I was so excited when we were driving up the mountain and could see our first glimpse of the peak!

We had to ride to the peak in one of these, it was pretty full and got really warm but what a great view along the way!

Oh, I also have to mention the guys who work these things. Don’t even try to ask them questions, don’t try to socialize and well, basically don’t try to make any use of them at all.  From what we could tell they were a very small step up from trained monkeys who are there to bring you to the top and back without dying… beyond that, they are absolutely useless.  On the first day we visited we tried to talk to them to ask about the conditions at the top and if it was worth going up, and even though my husband made the effort to speak to them in French, all we got was a few grunts in return.  Our experience of trying to be friendly with them the following day was met with the same kind of reception.

So if you are looking for information, a smile or a friendly face, don’t look there.  Visit the ticket office which is not in the same building, but down and off to the side of the lift area.  They will tell you whatever you need to know and sell you your tickets.

When I looked out and took this photo I wasn’t sure that I could believe my eyes, were those little specs along the path actually people?!

Sure enough, it was, and they were looking pretty darn tired.  The man was trekking along with his nordic walking sticks and the woman was being dragged along behind him by holding onto his backpack.  The boy looked like he was completely out of juice and was being pulled along by his mother.

I had to give them credit, I’d never have attempted that walk!  I wish I could have gotten better photos to show just how long and steep that path is.

This lake was visible just before we reached the peak.  To give you an idea of the scale of everything, there were people walking along those paths as well, they are just so small you can hardly see them!  Tiny little specs along the path!!

Then we finally reached the top, which was amazing. The sky was so blue and the weather was beautiful, although quite windy!  There was a fair few people there but it wasn’t packed to the point of being uncomfortable.  There were people eating at the restaurants, sitting out having picnics and lots and lots of photographers.  More than once I found myself suffering from varying degrees of lens envy while standing shoulder to shoulder with other photographers up there.

One piece of advice I would give anyone that was visiting the area, is to pack a lunch.  The restaurants were busy and somewhat expensive, but there was plenty of areas to sit and eat a packed lunch.  We found ourselves wishing we had done so as it was coming along lunchtime when we were there and we were both starving.  We had food in our cooler in the car but we didn’t think to bring it up with us, so we took the edge off with a chocolate bar from a vending machine and then went in search of a place to stop and eat once were back on the ground again.

The view from the top was even better than on the ride up there.  It was a bit of a hazy day so we couldn’t see as far as you can on some of the more crisp and clear winter days but I’m still so glad that we made the effort to go back.  Like with most things, the photos really don’t do it justice, it’s something you have to see for yourself.

Seriously, I can’t even imagine what kind of view you get when it’s totally clear, it must be amazing. I’d love to visit sometime in the winter but just the thought of driving up into those mountains at that time of year frightens the crap out of me.

Oh, and a funny thing about visiting that area, there are always animals just roaming free.  You’ll see a lot more of them in photos from other areas we visited but for some reason at the Pic du Midi it seemed to be donkeys!

They just hung around the parking lot and socialized with the visitors, from what I could tell they often got quite lucky as well, most of the tourists found them VERY cute and shared their lunches.  I get the feeling that these are some seriously well fed donkeys.

Another interesting thing we noticed is how early people start arriving to watch the Tour de France.  If you look in this photo, you can see all the white motor homes lined up along the road on the bottom right of the photo.  We spent the rest of the day driving through the mountains along the same path that the Tour de France was going go through three days later.  Anywhere that had enough space was covered in trailers and people waiting to get their view of the bikers, it was crazy!

One last piece of advice… if you want information on what you are seeing or what is inside the Pic Du Midi, I’d suggest picking up a little booklet somewhere or printing off info online. I was somewhat disappointed to go through the place and find that there were no translations available.  All of the boards, videos and information are in French and apparently everyone else is out of luck.

Some things don’t really require you having to read anything though, like this miniature version of the Pic du Midi, which I found pretty cool!

If you are every lucky enough to be able to visit the Pyrenees, I’d definitely make the Pic du Midi one of your main destinations, especially if you have a really nice clear day.  I know if I ever return I’ll be going up again, without a doubt!

For more info you can visit their website, again… only available in French, but Google translate is your friend!

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For the past two years I have belonged to IMAGES Photo Club, an English speaking photography club in Den Haag.  I’ve really enjoyed being a part of the club, especially the outings that I’ve been on with them, like the sailing trip and the trip to Texel.  One thing I’ve always wanted to do (but been too afraid to) was to enter a photo into the monthly POTY (Photo of the Year) competition.

Each month there is a themed competition that the members of the club can enter.  During the break the photos are hung up with a number attached and the members vote on their five favorites.  Before the end of the meeting they announce the winners for that month.  At the end of the year the winning photos face off to win the Photo of the Year title and the top five photos from each month are published in the POTY book for that club year.

The theme for this month was MOODS, which felt impossible to me until a friend from the club saw me post the photo above after Penny’s race.  He knew I have been eager to enter a photo but was a bit too shy, so when he saw this he suggested that I use it for the mood theme.  I hadn’t even though to of it until he mentioned it!  This was the first photo I had ever printed, which was a bit of a learning experience. There are a few things I’d do differently next time but I loved seeing one of my photos in print for the first time!

I was so nervous. Sure I put my photos on my blog and on Flickr but this is the first time I’ve ever put my photo out there to be judged in this kind of way.  I loved the photo, but would other people like it?  I very nearly chickened out.  I didn’t though!  The fact that it was on my 101 List was the extra motivation I needed to just bite the bullet and do it!

There were 29 entries in all and …. wait for it…. I PLACED THIRD!!! THIRD! Three out of TWENTY NINE!!  When they said my name as they were reading out the top five it too me a second to realize they were talking about me!

My friend Barbara snapped this photo quickly with her iphone.  Oh those beauty pageant chicks have nothing on my “OMG *SQUEEE* I WON!!!” face, good grief!  To most of the others in the club they are like “Oh… cool!” I was like “OMG OMG OMG OMG YAAAAAAAAAY!!!”.  Ever the drama queen, I am.

They have this little rule that you have to go up and stand in front of the group and tell a little bit about your photo.  This isn’t something I had thought about as I never thought I’d even place, so I had no idea what to say.  I ended up sort of rambling on and I don’t even remember what I said, but it was all said with a very shaky voice.  So while I realized that I shouldn’t be so afraid to put my photos out there, I also learned that public speaking will never be my thing. I think I can live with that.

Well, that’s one more thing off my list and I’m totally going to do it again!

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You know that old saying… red sky at morning, sailor take warning.  Well, I wouldn’t want to be out on the sea today!  What a beautiful sunrise we had here in Rotterdam!   I just love being up early enough to see the sunrise.  I’m trying to soak in as many sunny days as possible before winter really hits here, because the word on the street is that we’re in for a long, hard winter.

So not looking forward to that.

In the meantime I’m going to make the absolute best of days like this!

I really like this photo, it’s two photos I stitched together quickly in photoshop.  I’m now wishing I had taken three so I could really go for the full panorama effect.  I’ll know better next time!

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With all the photos I took of the race this is my favorite of the day.  The children that were with us were getting restless while we waited for the girls to finish the race, and a bag of crisps managed to keep them occupied for a while.

I think next to Faela, Xiem (the boy in the middle) is one of the most interesting kids I’ve ever photographed.  The blond curls together with his interesting facial expressions makes him any photographers dream I think.  Although, as you can tell by the look in this photo he doesn’t enjoy the process quite as much as I do!

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It was a beautifully sunny day with Indian Summer in full effect here in the Netherlands, the temperatures were set to go up into the high 20’s!   Xander and I made sure to leave early to make sure we got a good spot to park and that we were able to find them in time before the race.  I’m glad we did because there was quite a crowd and it wasn’t long after we arrived that the masses really started arriving.

She was running together with two of her friends, which was great because I’m sure it was a lot less daunting than if she were to do her first one on her own.  Her husband’s cousin was also running in the race but we weren’t able to find her before the start.

She and her friend Suzanne were raring and ready to go. They had been planning this together for quite some time and were pretty excited.  I couldn’t blame them, I was excited too and I wasn’t even running.

Once the race was getting ready to start I found a spot to squeeze in on the sides.  I was a little irritated because some really tall Dutch guy had his arm stuck out videotaping the whole thing, which blocked my view (and probably a load of people behind me as well) and made it difficult for me to get photos.  I bitched loads to Xander, in the end trying to do so extra loud so the guy would hear and knock it off, but it wasn’t until whoever it was he was waiting for went by that he finally moved out of the way.

I’m not sure it mattered though, because I quickly remembered how difficult it is to take photos during a race.  Do they all have to move so fast? What’s the hurry?

Even with the guy gone I could hardly see, so I had Xander watch and yell when he saw Penny coming.  I just barely caught her as she came into view and then was gone in just a few seconds!  Before the race I told her to stop when she saw me and give me a few poses, but she didn’t listen.  After taking the photos I screamed like a mental patient, all “WAHOOOO PENNY GO PENNY GO PENNY!!!” until Xander reminded me that she had her earphones in and couldn’t hear me anyway… then stepped away and pretended not to know me.

Once she and her friends went by we scurried off to the finish line to wait for them.

Her husband’s cousin and one of Penny’s friends, I’m sorry I don’t remember their names now… both finished before I was able to get in and get a photo.  Again, such a hurry!  You’d think they were in a race or something!

When I finally did manage to wiggle my way up to the rail I was just in time to catch Suzanne crossing.  She looked so happy and looked like she could turn around and do it all over again!

Penny wasn’t far behind and look at how proud she was!  I started screaming again, I didn’t care if she couldn’t hear me, I was proud of her too!

This time she DID stop so I was able to get more photos.  I’m not sure if it was for my benefit or that she was just keen to stop moving, either way it worked for me!

I continued to stalk her and her friends from the sidelines, taking photos of them and some of the other runners.  They were having a great gab for a while, which I assume was about the race, the heat, the other runners around them and whatever else runny people talk about after a race.

We finally caught up with Yuri’s cousin and I couldn’t stop thinking of how unbelievably alike they look.  Yuri and his cousin, I mean… I wish I’d gotten a photo of them together because the strength of those family genes are astounding.  If you know Yuri and saw this photo you’d be all “Hey Yuri, why are you crouching down like that, and why do you have that blond wig on?”.  Seriously, it’s insane.

It is my life’s mission now to get a photo of them together… OR, to put a blond curly wig on Yuri and get a photo of that.  Actually, that sounds like a lot more fun.

Anyway, back to Penny…

This is the look of a woman who just achieved something pretty amazing.  She set herself a goal, worked hard, went to that race and kicked ass.

I think I told her about 100 times how proud I was of her.  I also, being me, came dangerously close to getting weepy a few times.  Whatever, it’s what I do.

She is an inspiration and I’m so glad I was there to see all her hard work pay off!  Well done, my friend!

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So that Saturday afternoon we hopped on the tram and went to meet the group.  I’d be lying  if I said I wasn’t nervous, but once we arrived I felt much better as they were very friendly and welcoming.

I had been under the impression that we were going to do a photo walk around some of the bridges in the city, but when we arrived we were told by the organizer that he had a surprise for us (I love surprises! ), he had gotten us into the Old Luxor Theater to look around!  I was really excited to hear this because I had been there twice before and remember wondering what it would be like to be able to take some proper photos, as it is never allowed during a performance.  The first time I was there was my frightening visit to see the acrobats and the second time was for this year’s Rotterdam Film Festival.

I thought we would be able to go in and they’d let us in the theater, but it was so much better than that.  They basically opened the doors and let us crawl through the place like cockroaches.  We were allowed to roam free, go down into the dressing rooms, climb up in around the scaffolding backstage and anywhere else that struck our fancy.  It was very cool.

The theater itself is gorgeous.  The multicolored seating with the loveseats thrown in here and there gives it such an interesting look.  It was hard to not just take a thousand photos of the lights and seating alone.

I probably could have stopped after a hundred photos of the seats, but the lighting, ohhh the lighting. I loved it!  Especially the shape as it crawls along the wall and across the ceiling. It really made every photo different depending on the angle you capture it.

Being able to go down into the dressing rooms was an experience I wasn’t expecting.  I’m not sure what I thought was going to be waiting for me but it was something along the lines of what you see on TV.  You know, the superstars in their super lush dressing room.  That really wasn’t the case at all, they were pretty modest and sort of like Dutch doctors offices… just the bare minimum.  I guess it cuts down on costs and makes cleaning up easy.

They were also in the basement, with walls covered in posters for shows that have played in the theater over the years.

I didn’t take any photos in the regular dressing rooms as nothing really interested me, so I walked around opening doors and peeking to see what was inside.  That’s when I found this little gem…

What in the…?

The other dressing rooms had plain white walls, a plain white countertop and some plastic chairs.  The walls were covered in mirrors surrounded by white lights and each room had its own sink. That’s pretty much it.  I’m not sure who the special person was that got this dressing room, but they certainly put their own touch on it!  Wow.  Just, wow!

After that disturbing display, I found a rather cool lounge area.

The neon Luxor sign was my favorite bit.   I had these images in my head of those little acrobats hanging out in this room between their sets, having a few beers.  No wonder my friend and I were so frightened for our lives.  This room should be strictly off limits for any show that requires throwing things.

After visiting the other areas I decided to take the plunge and climb up around the scaffolding backstage.  I went halfway up the stairs when I first got there, but then quickly turned around and went back down.  Yes, I chickened out, but I made a triumphant return.

I purposely made those two small because they are kind of blurry. I blame the lack of light and not the fact that I was shaking, because I wasn’t.

After all that climbing around and peeking into places I shouldn’t, I sat down to have a drink of water and just take in the scenery.  Then I noticed this…

I wonder who Arie & Silvester are, and I wonder how they managed to get their own loveseat.  Did they donate to renovations of the theater?  Are they people who work there?  More importantly, what do I have to do to get a Tammy & Xander loveseat?!

I really love this group, because they are all about getting out there and taking photos. They don’t judge, they don’t care what level you are and they just want to get together and enjoy their common hobby. Thankfully they welcome anyone along to enjoy it with them.  So if you’d like to do something like this, why not see if they are in a city near you?!

I am already looking forward to meeting up with them again.  If you are in the Rotterdam area, maybe I’ll see you there!

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For example, I loved this one…

On the other hand, this one did absolutely nothing for me… blech.

Ugh, I mean it’s okaaaay but not one I’m particularly crazy about..

Granted, when it comes to HDR it’s all ‘overdone’ to some extent, just by doing it at all you are overdoing it, that’s the point of the whole thing.  It’s taking the photo a step beyond, creating something that looks sort of surreal.

I think I’ll always love the way out there type of HDR that a lot of people hate.  Like this one, which is one of the first I ever did…

Sure, there are a few glaring issues, mostly the halo, the lighter bit going on around the top of the building on the right.  Still, I love it… halo and all.  It doesn’t look at all REAL, but (to me at least) it looks REALLY cool!

To some people this is a complete bastardization of what photography is meant to be, and in a way I can see their point because this isn’t really just photography but also digital art.  So it’s kind of like apples and oranges really, but I enjoy the editing just as much, if not more than, the actually photography…

Not all HDR is as wacky as others though… Recently I started playing with the HDR toning in Photoshop (on PC’s found in Edit – Adjustment – HDR Toning, no idea where you Mac folks can find it!) and I can’t stop. I just CANNOT STOP WITH THE HDR! Argh…  It’s not the same level of HDR as in the ones I’ve done previously, especially like the cloudy one above.  Rather, it just gives the photos an extra pop that I really like, and I just can’t stop doing it.  Can’t stop, can’t stooooooppppp – HELP!

When I am editing a photo, I can’t silence that voice in my head that says “What would it look like with some HDR toning?  Go on Tammy, you know you want to… just a little, just this one last time”.

It appears that HDR is the new crack…

I went back through a few of my photos from different photography walks and outings I’ve been on, just to see how they’d look different with a little touch of the HDR toning.  With some, the difference is hardly visible, but with others it makes a rather drastic difference.  In 80% of cases, I prefer it with the extra touch and the only ones I seem to not like as much with it are macro type photos or portraits.

Here are some examples …

Let’s take this photo of the lighthouse from my recent trip to Texel as an example.  At a quick glance you may not even see the difference.  It’s not spacy or totally out there like some HDR might seem, but if you look closely you can see the differences.  The colors in the lighthouse, the detail in the grass and sand and how the clouds stand out just that little bit more.

Which do I prefer?  The bottom photo with the extra HDR editing, no question…

Another example, from my photo walk with friends in the Veluwezoom last autumn.

Again, the bottom photo has the HDR toning.  It also has some haloing as well (which I intend to learn how to correct ASAP) but this was just a quick example I did for this blog entry.

Not a massive amount of difference between the two photos, except for the lights are a little lighter, there is a bit more detail in the leaves and the trunk of the tree.  The light on the hill stands out more and the detail of the fallen leaves looks a lot nicer.  There are a few things I’d try to edit if I were to keep this photo.  For example, as I mentioned, I’d fix the haloing that is happening along the top of the horizon.  I would also try to fix whatever is causing that one part of the bushes to turn purple.

All that said though, even with those imperfections I would still choose the bottom photo.

Here is another example from my trip to Texel, which is a little more obvious.

This one has much more noticeable difference.  There are things I’d tweak if this was going to be a keeper as well, the bit of (*sigh*) haloing around the guy, the brightness / contrast in the sky etc but even just with the HDR toning alone with minimal editing beyond that, it’s still worlds better than the original (IMO).

So here’s the thing.  I’m an insecure animal at heart and I exist within a world of photographers that are head and shoulders above me when it comes to knowledge and skill.  I belong to a photo club with some people who take photos that leave me completely in awe, like literally… speechless.  I can’t help but always worry about what other people think of my photos.

Well, I can help it somehow, I just haven’t quite figured out the best way of going about not giving a shit yet.

Knowing that HDR and too much post processing will instantly get some people’s hackles up and make them hate your photos by default (this isn’t about my photo club but just some photography people in general), it holds me back from just doing what I want with my own photos.  I don’t want people to look at my photos and think they suck, or that I don’t know what I’m doing (I don’t really, but I don’t want them to KNOW that!)

This feeling really makes me angry with myself… mostly because I’m sure nobody cares nearly as much as I like to think they do.

Is this HDR thing just a phase?  I have no idea… is it something that belongs in every day post processing of all my photos?  Again, no friggin idea!  Maybe one day I’d look back at my photos from this period (the ones that I will do the HDR toning on, I mean) and shake my head and want to go back and do them all over AGAIN.  It’s likely… but it’s what I like right at this moment.

That’s what is most important… what I like, right?  These are my photos after all and while what other people think of photos will always matter to everyone (I think those who say they don’t care are lying, at least a little)… it can’t be everything.  Everyone needs to find their own ‘voice’, so to speak.  Perhaps this is mine and I need to continue to explore it.

Then again, it’s entirely possible I’m just a complete HDR addict and am trying to fit it in wherever possible.  Maybe my friends should consider an intervention.  It’s hard to say…

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Texel is one of the islands in the far north of the country.  All of which I hope to visit at some point, so this made a good start!  The trip was really well organized by one of our club members, so we all met at the ferry in Den Helder (bottom left of the photo) and got the ferry to Texel, where a half open bus was waiting for us to show us around the island.

It was a very windy day, and we had some rain, but we didn’t let that stop us!  Some of us were even stubborn enough to spend the entire day in the open part of the bus.

These girls from the club came well prepared with scarves and rain jackets!  Unlike me, who showed up with a summer jacket and a hoodie, neither of which had a hood that would stay up!

I know, I look incredibly stylish, don’t I?  This was just after I’d climbed to the top of a lighthouse (that I will show later) and it was windier than hell up there.  Thankfully I brought lots of stuff to keep my hair out of my face, not that the wind really allowed it to stay under control at all!

Who cares! I climbed a lighthouse and didn’t die!

First we visited the small village of Den Hoorn where we had about an hour to walk around.  It rained most of the time so the photos were a bit limited.

I really wish I could have gone into that house to see the artwork inside.  I really wondered how they were able to leave all those paintings out in the elements without them getting faded or damaged…

After Den Hoorn we boarded the bus again and headed over to De Slufter, which is a national park and nature reserve.

There was a guided tour, but people were also free to roam and take photos themselves, so I chose the latter.  I was glad in the end as when it started raining really badly I legged it for the bus, and those who did the tour were out in it for a lot longer!

After sitting in the bus warming up, the crowd came back and we shuffled back to our spot in the back open area.  It was getting a little cold at this point because we were all pretty wet, so we were happy to hear that it was time to head to the beach for lunch!  I jokingly said to the friends I was sitting with that the minute we are actually indoors the sun would come out… and I was right!

Even though the sun was out it was still really windy, but the wind surfers and kite surfers were in heaven!  We didn’t stay long at that beach as we still had other places to visit, but I did manage to snap this photo of one happy and tired kite surfer on his way out of the water.

Next we headed to the big beach with the lighthouse, which was my favorite part of the entire day!  What a lovely spot that was!

That’s the lighthouse I climbed!  Yeah, I know it looks small, but it’s not!

See, it’s huge!! Big and tall… and tall, and high!

Believe me now?  I climbed it…

Ok I have a confession, it was kind of easy.  It wasn’t just one long flight of stairs but a few smaller ones with rooms you could stop in in between.  Each of those windows was a level where you could stop and catch your breath, which worked great for me.

It was really worth the climb though, what a view!

From up here you all look like tiny little aaaants!! (Name that movie!)

All I could think of was how much I’d love to pitch a tent in that grass and live there all summer.  Then I was told that you aren’t allowed to swim there because of the currents, and I was over it.

After climbing down the lighthouse we all hung out on the beach for a bit, I spent some of my time taking photos of my friends, who welcomed a beautiful baby boy into their lives just a few weeks later!

From the beach we went to a little fishing harbour where I tried my first taste of Kibbeling, which is basically just fried fish. It was yummy!  I didn’t take too many photos there as I was a little tired, but this one guy did catch my eye!

Oh what a life! Stretched out on the deck of his ship having a nap, completely oblivious to all the tourists standing around taking his photo.  I can think of worse ways to spend the afternoon!

So that’s it… that was my first trip to Texel, and what a fun day.  Even though the weather was crappy at times, the company was great and it felt good to be out in the fresh air seeing somewhere I haven’t been before.

If you ever get the chance to visit Texel, go for it! It’s not a very big island and you can cover a lot of ground in a day!  I hear there’s really great camping there too!

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