Canadutch » Funny Shit

You May Live in the Maritimes IF…

Breigh — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 16:41:01 +0000

People often ask me what it’s like to live in Canada, and that’s a very difficult answer. There are things you can say that generally apply to all of Canada, like the people speak English or love hockey, but when it comes down to day to day life and the people you interact with, that largely depends on where exactly in Canada you are coming from.

A while back I did a photo comparison Google style of my hometown and the current city I live in, to show people the vast differences between where I come from and where I live now. I think that gave people a pretty good idea of how different life is for me now than it was growing up… but it didn’t really tell people about what life in that small town on the east coast of Canada was like.

When you come from the Maritimes, it’s a completely different experience than in a lot of the rest of the country, and it’s often very difficult to describe. Today I saw something a woman from my hometown put on her status message on Facebook and it made me laugh, because it sums up what life in the Maritimes is like perfectly.

This is life in the Maritimes according to Jeff Foxworthy (edited into a proper list for blog-friendly reading)

You may live in the Maritimes if…

Your local Tasty Treat is closed from September through May

Someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t even work there

You’ve worn shorts and a jacket at the same time

You’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with……………… someone who dialed a wrong number

“Vacation” means going anywhere south of Saint John for the weekend

You measure distance in hours

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once

You have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day and back again

You can drive 110 kms through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching

You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked

You carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them

You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction

You have more kms on your snow blower than your car

You find -12C degrees “a little chilly”

You actually understand these jokes!!

I can relate to every single one of the jokes on that list. As I was reading it on my friend’s profile I was laughing to myself and thinking of home, and it really is like that!

People who don’t work in shops actually will help you, they are friendly and there’s a true sense of community. I wore Halloween costumes over snowsuits!

I don’t even know what I was in this photo, a rabbit? a cat? a pink marshmallow? Regardless, I may have been a chunky kid but you can bet your ass there was a snowsuit under there!

I knew if I looked I’d find a photo of my father wearing shorts and a jacket when all the sane people have the sense to wear actual pants. He is living, breathing proof that these jokes are not just jokes, but facts. Crazy, crazy bastard.

I have actually made friends by talking to random strangers who have dialled the wrong number, or having dialled one myself, I shit you not.

I admit, this did make me a little homesick but after all these years I’m used to it. I just consider myself lucky to grow up in a place that is so unique and full of charm that makes me laugh like this when I think back on the time I spent there. The Maritimes is such a great place to live, especially Cape Breton Island. It may not be great in the way a lot of people would like, there’s not a lot of money and not always a lot to do either, but the crazy friendly people and the beauty of the surroundings give it something no amount of money could ever buy, something I’m yet to find here in the Netherlands.

You SNEAKY Mom!!!

Breigh — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 07:29:08 +0000

Oh god I love this video! The crying kids are so funny but the two at the end just crack me up beyond words.

“Are you serious?!”

“You were SO close!”

That kid in the red is one cool cat!

David Beckham Goes Undercover for Ellen

Breigh — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 05:26:36 +0000

This morning I was catching up on my news feed when I saw this video on Dooce and it had me roaring with laughter. I so wish we got her show here in Holland, perhaps I need to start downloading it.

I may end up divorced if I don’t wear my head phones though, my husband hates her. Crazy fool!

How to Lose at Checkers

Breigh — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 08:34:10 +0000

One more thing we did while at the campground was played a giant game of checkers. My husband isn’t a big fan of playing games, unless it’s something like Trivial pursuit where he knows his knowledge will always trump mine. I couldn’t believe it when we came along the giant checker board and he said he didn’t know how to play. How could that be? I urged him to play and hoped I could use this to my advantage.

I don’t know how to put this delicately, but… I totally kicked his ass!

I tried not to gloat too much as he hates losing, so I patted him on the back and told him I just got lucky. Then I made sure to take a photo so I could gloat later… because that’s just the kind of wife I am.

No related posts.

Adventures at the Dog Park: Jack & Russell

Breigh — Sun, 22 May 2011 15:22:14 +0000

We are still taking Pixel and Bailey to the dog park pretty regularly. Pixel is never a problem but we continue to be somewhat anxious when it comes to Bailey and his aggressive attitude towards other male dogs.

You can imagine how worried we were the first time these two entered the park.

They are brothers and their names are Jack & Russell. Yes, Jack Russell. NOT what I was expecting the day I was standing in the back of the field and someone said “Oh here comes Jack Russell!” Not what I was expecting at all!

First, they are both male.

Second, they are both huge.

Third, being male and huge, I was pretty sure this was going to be the day Bailey got his ass kicked.

It turned out to be quite the contrary though. These two dogs can’t be bothered with anyone but each other. They are constantly trying to outdo each other with the sticks, and if the two of them get their mouth on the same stick, there’s no getting them apart.

No seriously, we’ve walked all the way home with the guy and they were both walking all crooked trying to hold onto the same stick.

Here’s the weird thing… Bailey LOVES these dogs. If they come near him he doesn’t do his usual growling and snarling, when they run he wants to run too. He thinks they are the bees knees.

Only one problem though, there’s no way he’s keeping up with them.

He knows it too. He legs it trying to keep up with them, then just just gets frustrated and barks. He’s like the little brother or the younger cousin who wants to play with the big kids but gets left behind every time.

It doesn’t stop him from trying again the next time though, and he’s starting to get clever with his shortcuts. I’m not sure what he’d do if he ever caught one of them but judging by how quick he gets out of dodge when they stop, I’m not too worried!

Pixel’s Pitiful Attempts at a Howl

Breigh — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 08:12:17 +0000

The other day I heard sirens coming in the distance. I quickly grabbed my camera and got it ready to record Bailey and his howling, just because I think it’s funny. I was wondering if this would be the time that Pixel finally joins in as up till now she has only barked and given him weird looks when he howls at things. Here is what happened… you have to listen carefully for Pixel because Bailey tends to drown her out a bit.

Yeah, not a lot of howling going on from Pixel but she is trying! You can tell that she is finally catching on that she is supposed to be doing something, but she doesn’t quite know what. Instead of a howl, all you get is a sort of strangled cry that wants to be a howl but isn’t.

One day she’ll get there and I’ll be sure to have the camera handy.

How I Got Punked For April Fool’s

Breigh — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 14:22:12 +0000

So, today is April Fool’s day… and it started out like this, when I sent out a warning to the internet on Twitter (and Facebook).

You see, there are a lot of things I hate, cuz I’m like that, I’m a hater… and I really hate 1) being startled 2) being tricked. The reason for this is because it is SO DAMN EASY. I am both jumpy and gullible by nature so I really am easy pickings when it comes to things like April Fool’s day and those viral videos that make you jump out of your skin.

If you are friends with me on Twitter or Facebook, you’ve seen that I’ve come to the decision that I am going to part with my turtles. It has been a long time coming and was a very difficult decision. We need the space in our flat, we are tired of fighting the damp every winter and the mold that follows, we are tired of the windows being full of condensation every year… and I’m just finding the upkeep a bit too difficult.

So, today my husband and I were sitting on the sofa discussing what we were going to do and if we were going to rehome all of them or keep one, and if so which one. This was a difficult conversation for me because it’s hard enough to part with pets, but I am a hormonal mess at the moment, so even just discussing it had me almost in tears.

Then I heard the sound of someone messaging me on Twitter, and I went to look.

Translation: Homeowners Association: Because there are now so many dogs in the building, there are plans for a restriction of maximum 1 dog per household.

I’m really starting to wonder if he had his ear to the door before he sent me that message. It’s like he KNEW I was in the process of discussing rehoming pets!

No, I’m sure he didn’t, which when he reads this will make the entire thing even more comical on his end… but anyway.

I fell for it hook, line and sinker! I had totally forgotten that it was April Fool’s Day and I panicked, sending Xander to check the mail and his email to see if we had gotten the message. He was a shocked as I was, until he came back in the door and said “Wait a minute, maybe this is an April Fool’s Day joke!”

You’d think I’d clue in then, would you? Yeah, not so much. I needed confirmation! Until I actually heard him say it was a joke, there was a possibility that it was true!

He’s right, I did just have our new VVE guy on the phone and he DOES sound serious!! He was not very nice at all in fact! He seemed like just the type who would make a girl get rid of her dog! OH NO!!!

Translation: Have you read the email? There must have been complaints. It will be discussed at the next meeting. Strange, huh?!

He didn’t say it was a joke. I asked, and he didn’t admit to it… SO IT HAD TO BE TRUE!!

That was it, the panic was on and there was just no turning me off then. I had to know. I had to know RIGHT NOW if he was joking or not. Xander had his number in his mobile and he told me to call and ask him, but I had already been so buggered up from discussing rehoming the turtles, just from being in hormone overload that I knew I would have started crying the minute he answered the phone. Plus, I just hate talking on the phone. So I asked Xander to call him… then things got really bad.

Xander: YOU call him!

Me: NO, YOU call him!!

Xander: YOU want to know, you call him!

Me: OMG would you just call him!!

Xander: Call him and pretend to be all upset, oh that would be so funny!

Me: Who is pretending? Call him, call him now! Omg please call him. We can’t give a dog away! Can they do that? Does the VVE have that power? Oh god no we have to move!! You won’t make me give up one of the dogs right? YOU wouldn’t want to give up one of the dogs, would you? Would you give up one of the dogs?! That’s it we’ll just have to move.

Xander: *Laughing so hard he can’t speak*

Me: STOP LAUGHING!!!

Xander: *Doubles over, gasps for breath*

Me: I hate the phone, I hate calling people, YOU KNOW THAT CALL HIM DAMMIT!! I don’t want to have to give my dog away, I HAVE TO KNOW!

Xander: This is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen!!! *Choking with laughter by this point*

Me: *Starting to go all high pitched woman anger noise* CALLHIMCALLHIMNOWORIAMGOINGTOFREAKOUT!!!! (Already freaking out)

Xander: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! *Starting to taunt me now which really gets my back up*

Me: *Looking around for something non-breakable to throw* I am getting really mad!! I’m going to throw something!! YOU BETTER CALL HIM CALL HIM NOW I MEAN IT STOP LAUGHING!!!

Xander: This is HILARIOUS!!! *Laughing harder*

Me: *Completely irrational and crying by this time* I MEAN IT! I am going to throw this cutting board at you, I will throw it, don’t test me!! I will throw it you know I will you better call him I mean it CALL HIM RIGHT NOW that’s it I’m going to throw it!! *Raises arm to whiff it*

Xander: Jesus woman, alright… I’ll call!!

Me: thankyou.

So Xander phoned him and asked if he could forward the mail from the VVE, and he finally cracked and admitted that is was a joke. WHEW!! Ok, crisis averted. I don’t have to give away one of my dogs, I don’t have to move… but I do have to get revenge on my neighbour. Someday, somehow, I will make him pay.

He SO is. I’m not quite sure what I will do yet, but I will have my revenge. In the words of a crazy dude from MONK “When he least expects me, that’s when he can expect me!!”

Yep, he got me good… and I’m definitely laughing about it now that I’ve calmed down. He had the PERFECT timing with that joke at the very time I was discussing rehoming other pets, it’s like he’s psychic or something!

Oh man, This is war.

This was my Project 365 photo from last night. Me and my babies having a cuddle after dinner. Look at those faces, you’d freak out too at the thought of losing them! Ok, maybe not to the crying, screaming, exorcist head spinning way that I did, but still.

Yep, he’s in for it alright. It is ON like DONKEY KONG.

A Conversation I Never Thought I’d Be Having

Breigh — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 20:34:46 +0000

Today I said something I never thought I’d be saying to my husband. I don’t think he ever expected it either, but sometimes life brings you to places you never thought you’d be.

A little while ago I said the following words…

Honey, are you sure you don’t mind if I show everyone your sperm?

Really, how many people really ever have a situation where they have that conversation?!

Lucky for us, he doesn’t mind!

Today was our fifth IUI and while we were at the hospital the lady in the lab asked if we wanted to see Xander’s boys under the microscope. Umm, hell yeah we do!

It was SO cool to see! Of course, a few seconds after I saw it I thought hrmmm… if my eye can see them, maybe my camera can too! Sure enough, it worked! This photo is taken through the eye thingie on the microscope, cool huh?

It was a small sample that they use to look at the sperm during the sperm washing process. So none of these actually got to the final destination. They were the guiney pigs of sperm, so to speak.

It is a very stressful day for me, when we go for the IUI. I get extremely anxious and tense, so this sort of broke up the monotony and gave me something to giggle about for a few minutes, which was great.

I think I squealed a little when I realized that I actually managed to capture them on camera.

There are so many aspects of conceiving a child that we miss out on. For a lot of people it’s a really joyous occasion that doesn’t have any negativity connected to it at all. People make their babies the natural way, before tension and pressure manages to start to ruin their sex lives. They get to tell their children the “when two people love each other the man puts his…” story, whereas we’d perhaps end up telling the “Turkey Baster Story”.

As much as we will love a child if we are ever lucky enough to have one, the process has been grueling and we do feel like some of what other people get out of it has been ripped away from us.

Apparently there are some advantages of infertility though. How many women actually get photos of their man’s tadpoles?! The everyday woman who gets knocked up home in bed, in the backseat or on a park bench probably never get the opportunity to see the science of it all, and we have that all around us. That’s pretty cool…

Hey, every story needs a silver lining, and today this is mine!

Even Brando Liked Some Wang

Breigh — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 22:35:18 +0000

I saw a video today that I really liked. It’s part of the It Gets Better movement, which is a collection of messages from people all over the world, including celebrities, aimed at gay teenagers who suffer at the hands of bullies.

I love this video because it’s funny, it’s cool and it has a great message. I also love it because at the end she takes the time to make the point that it’s not just gay teens who get bullied, something I think a lot of people forget. Kids get bullied because they are too fat, too skinny, they wear glasses, their clothes are weird, their friends aren’t cool enough, or any number of reasons that seem completely absurd when you look back on them as adults.

I was picked on a lot as a child because I was bigger than the other kids. Some of the kids were merciless, others were just young and stupid and had no idea how hurtful the things they said really were.

I remember a boy in elementary school making jokes about my score on the Richter scale when I was doing gymnastics in gym glass. I didn’t even know what the Richter scale was, so when I found out, not only did he make me feel fat, he made me feel stupid too.

I remember being on a soccer team when I was in elementary school and the boys teasing me and calling me ‘Bubbles’ because I developed breasts before the rest of the girls, which they assumed was because I was fat. Maybe they were right… that didn’t make it any less embarrassing.

I remember when I was 14 and the first boy I ever really liked called me a whale after we ‘broke up’.

I remember a lot more instances when people said or did things to me because I was overweight, more than I care to list here.

I am 35 years old and I still remember them all like it was yesterday. What does that tell you?

Even though the majority of us make it through and move on, these moments stay with us for a lifetime. There are tiny scars that we carry with us as we get older, behaviors that form because of the hurt we felt as children when people tell us we aren’t normal or there is something wrong with us.

I love this video and love the It Gets Better message, because I think it’s something ALL teens need to hear.

Gonna Get My Hump On

Breigh — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 07:16:32 +0000

Yesterday I was whining about my weight issues with the fertility treatments, but I think my husband has found a solution! He shared this video with me and thinks it might be just what I need to kick my weight loss back into gear…

I’m not entirely sure, but I think he may have an ulterior motive.