While we were at the lake, we stopped to get an ice cream and I saw this postcard…

They look pretty nice, right?  I really wanted to find out where the waterfalls were so I could get some photos.  I asked the guy who worked in the shop where we could find them and he said, AND I QUOTE:

You drive to the end of the road and it’s just a short walk from there.  It’s not far at all.

Ok, that sounded like something that might be fun!  We hopped in the car and headed towards the end of the valley.

When we got out of the car I was looking up at the hill, you can’t see it in this photo but there were people walking along a path way up the hill. They were so small they looked like ants!  I thought to myself that they must be going somewhere else, somewhere past the waterfall.  I hoped to myself that they were going somewhere else because we weren’t at all prepared for a hike, with only sandals on and one small bottle of water.

You can already see where this is going, can’t you?

It was clear from the start how this was going to go, with Xander being a lot more fit than I was it turned out to be a series of him walking ahead and then stopping to wait for me to catch up.  I huffed and climbed, trying not to worry too much about it as I was convinced that the waterfall was right around the corner.

Nope, all that was around the corner was a nice view back towards the lake.  Oh, and this really nice little mountain shack. I wondered if anyone lived there but we didn’t see anyone around.

We could see a little stream, so where there’s water there must be  a waterfall!  It must be up around the next corner then.

Yeah, not so much… all that was around the corner was a wider path that kept climbing steadily upwards, that is also not as visible on the photo but it was a definite incline.  By this time I was starting to wonder if we were about to become some of those tiny little ants I saw from down at the road.

Before long the little mountain shack was long behind and the waterfall was still nowhere in sight.  Maybe I was just tired but the distances seemed much greater than what it appears to be in the photo.  It was far though, we had been walking for quite a long time at this point.  Surely we had to be close, but there was no end in sight!

Before long neither the shack nor the lake could be seen when I looked back.  WHERE IN THE HELL IS THAT WATERFALL?!!

The entire time this little stream was trickling along beside us.  I wondered, if this is coming from these roaring waterfalls, why does it not seem a little more… rapid?  There was still a long stretch of path ahead of us though and I didn’t think we were ever going to find it.  It was a myth, I was convinced.

The problem was that we’d already gone that far, I couldn’t turn back!  Even though I was fed up with walking on that rocky path with totally inappropriate footwear, I was red as a beet, sweating and getting slightly sunburned… I had to know. I HAD TO SEE where that damn waterfall was!

Thank goodness there was some beautiful scenery along the way!

Then… this happened.

This is starting to look like what should be at the base of the waterfall, look at the sticks and debris… there was some serious water flowing along there.  Notice I said WAS??  Yeah, because there wasn’t anymore!

After hours walking and climbing in our stupid sandals, having long run out of water, THIS is what was waiting for us.  A water trickle.

MOTHER FUCKER!!!!! *echo* Mother fucker…mother fucker…mother fucker *echo*
Yeah, I screamed.  I’m pretty sure hikers all over the Pyrenees heard my cries.

Well, I screamed as well as I was able to while I gasped for breath.

You know those soccer player dudes who crashed in the mountains and had to eat the muscles out of the asses of their dead friends?  That’s pretty much what I imagined my evening to be like, because by this time I was done.  I was just completely and utterly finished. I was going to be stranded in this mountain forever…   After all that, we then had to turn around and walk all the way back down.

We had spent the entire day on this and other than burning a few calories, the photos and chatting along the way, we had nothing to show for it.

I was never so happy as when I turned that corner and saw our car.  Seriously, I was about two steps from having someone call a helicopter to rescue me.

If I had more energy left I would have gone back to that shop and punched that guy in the throat.  Instead we went back to our campground, ordered some dinner from the canteen and booked ourselves an hour in the whirlpool hot tub to rest our aching muscles, it was wonderful!

One day I’m going to go back there and see those waterfalls when they are actually falling.   I have to, it’s like we went to war and the mountain won, I must get my revenge.

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1. Hey, There’s a Waterfall!
2. Lac d’Estaing
3. Damn Kids…

I’ve always seen photos from Zombie walks in Canada and the US and I’ve so wanted to get photos of one myself, so I’m really happy that they are doing one here now.

Only problem is that unlike most of the zombie walks in other countries, this is going to take place at night, which makes the whole photo thing a bit more difficult for someone like me. I don’t have a lot of gear and taking photos of moving targets in the dark will be a challenge, to say the least.   So I asked my friend Gail for some tips… the first thing she said was maybe looking into sorting out a diffuser for my pop up flash.

One of the most popular types of DIY diffusers were like this one using an old film cannister, but I didn’t have one of those handy.  I saw other version like this one using wire and a vaccum bag, but the hot shoe on my camera is designed differently so that wasn’t going to work. Plus, we have a bag free vacuum – DOH!

So, together with hubby I sat down and tried to come up with a design of our own.  These are the products we used (I forgot to take photos before cutting stuff up so these are random ones I found online):

1. A frosty plastic file folder

2. A thin plastic shopping bag, like what this person put their cat in. The semi see-through crinkly kind (I used a HEMA bag for those of you who might be in NL).

3. One or two skinny rubber bands

4. White (or any other color if you don’t want to match) electrical tape

I didn’t take photos of the actual creative process, but here’s hubby working hard on it.

He even managed to only cut himself once, which is a miracle if you ask me, considering he was using a box cutter AND scissors!

Here is the finished product:

Will it work in softening up some of my photos this evening?  Well, that remains to be seen!  I did a few quick test shots with hubby as we worked on it.  I had him stand in the toilet where it was dark so I could see if there was any difference.  If you are wondering, his eyes are closed because I kept blinding him with the flash.

The top photo was with the pop-up flash alone, the bottom is with the diffuser.  You can see that the shadows aren’t as extreme and (well I would know this, you wouldn’t) the color of the tiles is the actual color in the bottom, but made more white on the top..  Both photos are straight out of the camera with no editing so I could show the initial difference.

Granted, this is definitely a different environment than I would be using it in tonight so I’m not sure what the results will be.  Good thing about this is that if I’m taking photos and they just don’t look right on my LCD screen on the camera, it’s easy to remove.  We’ll see!

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Last year I was in Canada while he was there, so I decided that this year I would pop by and see what it was all about.  Well, pop by may not be the proper term seeing as it was a 2.5 hour trip to get there, but I went to visit nonetheless.

That’ ^^^ my hubby up there ^^^ !

You can see all of the photos here on the Flickr set!

It was very cool, I must admit… very busy, but cool.  I can see why my husband is so tired when he comes home after his time there!

If you have a kid, I’d definitely recommend visiting Legoworld some year, it’s like a children’s paradise in there!  I think a lot of the parents enjoyed it just as much as the children did, if I’m honest.

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One more thing we did while at the campground was played a giant game of checkers.  My husband isn’t a big fan of playing games, unless it’s something like Trivial pursuit where he knows his knowledge will always trump mine.  I couldn’t believe it when we came along the giant checker board and he said he didn’t know how to play.  How could that be?  I urged him to play and hoped I could use this to my advantage.

I don’t know how to put this delicately, but… I totally kicked his ass!

I tried not to gloat too much as he hates losing, so I patted him on the back and told him I just got lucky.  Then I made sure to take a photo so I could gloat later… because that’s just the kind of wife I am.

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Back in November Xander and I got together with our friends Candace and Fran for a photo walk through the Veluwezoom.  It was so beautiful and the perfect time of year for a visit.

Oh well, better late than never, right?

We had such a great day that day, I still can’t believe I totally forgot to write about it!

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1. Autumn is Here!
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We’ve always known that our dogs bark when we aren’t home and would always try to be out for 3-4 hours at most, so that they could go in their crates.  They love their crates and are happy and silent when they are in there, but we don’t like to leave them in too long (unless it’s bedtime).  If we were going for longer, which was rare, we’d make sure to be home by 10pm so that they don’t disturb the neighbours too much at inappropriate hours.

I think we had sort of fooled ourselves into thinking that they stop barking after the first few minutes.  It was how we coped and made it possible to go out without worrying the whole time.  Little did we know…

They are so lucky they are cute…

In order to see what the situation was my husband designed a robot that detects when the dogs are barking and sends a message to Twitter.  We call it the Tweeter Tattle.

I KNOW, he’s a GENIUS!  Seriously, this is a ROBOT that TWITTERS.  I love this man!

So once the robot was functional we decided to test it while we went to the grocery store.  We set it up, left the dogs loose with it in the living room and headed off to the grocery store.  We had our phones with us so we could check the robot’s Twitter updates while we were out.

Sweet baby Jesus, we had no idea what was going on while we were out.  Check this out, this is a screenshot of what went on in the short time that we were at the supermarket (the first few minutes are at the bottom, so read from bottom to top):

People, this all took place within the space of an hour.  I shit you not… my dogs are idiots.

As I said, we sort of knew this was going on.  We’d asked the neighbours now and then and they’d say yeah they bark a lot while you are out, no it doesn’t bother us, it’s not so bad… but clearly we have been blessed with some incredibly patient people in our building.

Not only did this bother me because of the disruption for our neighbours, but I also hated the thought of the dogs being so agitated the entire time we are gone.  I want them to be happy and feel secure, not miserable and distressed every time we walk out the door.

I started thinking of what we could do. When we are home we have been trying to Cesar Milan their asses as much as possible, but that doesn’t do us any good when we aren’t home.  We had considered getting one of those collars, you know the ones that give a small static shock or shoot out some citronella spray, but I just couldn’t shake the feeling that it was not such a nice thing to do to them.

I went on Facebook and asked the opinion of some of my friends who also have dogs.  They had some great advice in regards to making the dogs a little less sad when we leave, the best being giving the dogs a Kong with treats inside just as we are leaving, so that they see us going as a good thing for the, rather than bad.

I didn’t think this was going to solve our barking issue entirely though, so I cracked my knuckles and got my Google on.

That’s when I found it…

The Petsafe Indoor Ultrasonic Bark Control System.  Otherwise known as, the gadget that saved my dogs’ lives.  Best. Money. Ever. Spent.

The way it works is, it detects when the dog barks and then sends out a really high pitched ultrasonic noise.  It doesn’t hurt the dogs, it just startles and annoys them, so they quickly learn that if they make annoying noise they will get annoying noise in return.  As humans we can’t even hear it, but if you are standing really close to the machine there is a soft mechanical noise that it makes that you can hear.

I was a little skeptical when I was reading about it, I mean how is this little thing going to stop my crazy ass dogs from barking?  There’s no way.  I mean I think there have been times that I got so irritated with them that my own shrieking reached ultrasonic levels and they didn’t stop barking then!  Still, I was desperate and we had to try.

I checked with Wesdijk.nl to see if they had it, and luckily they did!  What was also lucky is that they are only a few minutes drive from here so we were able to hop in the car and go pick it up right away.

You see, we had a BBQ to go to that night and now that we knew without a doubt that the dogs were assholes, we had to try this thing RIGHT AWAY.  Our sanity and their existence depended on it.

So we get this thing home and I look at it, still unsure… but we didn’t have time to worry about it. We popped the battery in, set up the Tweeter Tattle and headed out to the BBQ with our fingers crossed.

Oh the suspense!!   I think I checked my Twitter about 400 times on my phone that evening… and do you know what I saw?

That was IT, for the ENTIRE EVENING.  Omg… and that was probably just the amount of barks it took them to figure out “Wait a minute, wtf… when I bark that annoying sound goes off and I don’t like that!”

The next day we went out again to a party at a friend’s place, once again as we are on the way I check Twitter on my phone.

Again, it probably took them a few minutes to realize what was going on, but then they were silent for the rest of the day while we were out.

Honestly, this thing is FANTASTIC!  I sit here and shake my head because I don’t know why we didn’t look into this years ago.  When I think of all the times we’ve had to leave places super early to make sure we’d get home to make sure the dogs weren’t barking and bothering the neighbours, I could scream.

We also notice a remarkable difference in the dogs’ behavior when we are home.  They don’t bark nearly as much as they used to (which was pretty much anytime the wind blew) and just seem generally more chilled out.  I used to feel like we were constantly getting up and trying to get them to stop barking at whatever was under their skin at that particular moment, now they’ll let off one bark now and then and are quickly reminded that they need to zip it.

Since it can only detect barking within 8 meters, it really just works in the living room. Although I have had it on the balcony with me and manually pressed the button on the top when the dogs bark and dogs that are passing by.  I’ve also sat it on our shoe rack in the hallway when we were expecting someone, to stop them from barking like mad at the door (which they are terrible for).  I’m pretty sure we are going to pick up a 2nd one for that end of the house (by the entry) to also cut down on their frantic barking when the doorbell rings.

Honestly, if you have a dog and have trouble with barking and don’t know what to do, you must try this.  I can’t guarantee it will work on all dogs, as I read in the reviews that some just ignored it or became immune to it after a while… but so far it’s been a godsend for us.  I recommend it wholeheartedly!

Now, if only we could find a machine to make them stop jumping on people, or shedding, or licking between our toes… or eating other dogs poo…. *sigh*

P.S. I forgot to mention, there is also an OUTDOOR VERSION of this if you have issues with your dog barking outside!  It’s even cute like a birdhouse, makes me wish I had a garden to hang it in!

*I am in no way affiliated with Petsafe. I paid for this product and this is my own personal opinion, I was not sent this product for review.

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1. Pet Turkey
2. Saturday Photo Hunt – Daily (Dog Drama)
3. The Finished Product

Also… why did you just come along when I won’t be needing you for very long?

I admit it, tonight I ate at McDonald’s.  I know I just moaned the other day about my weight but I did say that it might not be today that I sort my shit out.

One thing I have to say, when you don’t eat McDonald’s very often, it tastes pretty damn good.

Anyway that’s not why I’m writing this.  When I walked in I saw these things…

Wtf?? How long have they been there?  I know I didn’t eat McDonald’s for almost a year but jeez… it’s the coolest thing ever!  Xander and I went to this little console and put our bank card in.  We then used the touch screen to place our order and paid for it.

This is no lie… by the time we turned around and walked the five steps to the counter, the order was on a tray and waiting for us!

OMG!!!  No more waiting in line!  At dinner rush hour we had our food within approximately three minutes of walking through the door.

Of course, it’s probably the last time I will have McDonalds for a very, very, very long time, so I won’t be able to make the best of it, but I did get to experience it this once.  Xander and I (being the geeks that we are) were in wholehearted agreement that it is, indeed, the best thing since sliced bread. 

So, I’m curious… is the Netherlands ahead or behind the times with this thing?  Are these consoles already old news back in North America or are we actually ahead of the game on this one?

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It’s about people, and how they suck… and the rules of the road in the Netherlands that I just don’t understand!

Today my husband and I were driving to the supermarket, and he nearly hit a biker with the car.  We both instantly thought that the guy was in the wrong, and apparently he thought the same about us.

Here’s the scene:

We were driving along the street when we came along one of these weird dremples (speed bumps) with the pole next to it.  The reddish lane is a bicycle lane, but this old-ish lady in a schooter was sat in that lane chatting with her two friends (the two on the right in the blue).

The biker WAS in the bicycle lane, but because the woman was blocking the way, he swerved out to go around the pole on the OTHER side, then I don’t know if he realized he knew them or what, but he stopped – DEAD, like, on a dime.

Xander, assuming he was continuing on was driving along like normal behind him and had to slam on the break, just stopping in time before hitting him, and the guy was REALLY angry.  He came to the window giving Xander crap about how he is supposed to stop AT ALL TIMES if someone is at a crosswalk, on and on and on.  The old bitch in the scooter kept giving her two cents as well, the entire time she was yelling and getting in the middle of it all.  The biker was at my window, so I had him and Xander yelling at each other on either side of me, far too fast for me to follow properly or get my own two cents in, so all I could do was yell at her to STFU and let them sort it out.

Here’s the problem.  He was NOT stopping to cross the crosswalk, he was on a bike and the crosswalk leads to the tram on the left.  He stopped dead because he recognized the people and started talking to them… so he wasn’t in the cross walk because he was going to use it, he stopped in a cross walk to talk to the people who were next to it.  He was also still ON his bike, and if I’m not mistaken that’s not supposed to be the case either.  If he is crossing a crosswalk as a pedestrian he should be getting OFF his bike and walking it across.. OR continue on and cross at the intersection.

Everyone around him (ie… his FRIENDS) were telling him oh yes you were right you were right, but I don’t see how this is right at all!

First of all, he should have stayed in the bike lane where he belonged.  By coming out onto where we were he was essentially switching lanes and you don’t switch lanes and then stop DEAD in front of the cars behind you.   This all goes back to the old bitch sitting in the middle of the bicycle path and not moving.  It’s her fault really…

Anyway, he was convinced that it was Xander’s fault basically because “I am on a bike and I am at a crosswalk therefor whatever happens it is your fault!”, surely that can’t be right.  I mean I know the law falls largely on the side of the cyclist but it can’t be that cut and dry, can it!?  Wouldn’t the fact that he not only swerved out in front of traffic, leaving the designated bicycle lane and was ON his bike stopping in a crosswalk he wasn’t even going to USE, rather just to chat to people on the sidewalk matter?!!

UGH sometimes I hate people.  As we drove away I fantasized about all the things I would have loved to do, like pushing him off his bike and then beating mouthy scooter bitch with it, throwing him in front of a tram, you know… the usual in need of anger management type of stuff you feel after those kinds of situations.  I swear, if I had been more confident with the language and a little less shocked about the whole thing, he would have wished Xander just ran him over and killed him to spare him the pain of my wrath.

So, what is your opinion?  Was Xander totally at fault here simply because he was the one in the car, or does the cyclist also have some ownership in the situation?  I’m really curious what would have been decided by the police if Xander actually HAD hit the guy… the fact that Xander could have been found to be completely at fault BAFFLES me. BAFFLES!!

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A few months ago a friend of mine told me about a spot in Belgium that she thought I’d like, called Hallerbos.  It’s a forest just outside Belgium that, for a few weeks every spring, is completely covered in bluebells.  She showed me her photos and I immediately wanted to go, so I put regular reminders in my calendar for me to look into whether the bluebells had started to bloom or not.  I figured at least some of the people who visited would put their photos on Flickr, and I did a search for recent photos under the label ‘Hallerbos’ every couple of days.  It was a great plan because I was able to see how the flowers were blooming through other people’s photos.

When they appeared to be ready, we made a plan!  Xander, myself and the dogs all got in the car last Sunday morning and set off for Belgium.

We decided to put the dogs in the back of  the Prius rather than on the back seat like we used to with the old car,  which turned out to be a great decision. They settled down a lot quicker and Bailey loved the dog height window across the back.  Pixel just curled up and went to sleep and we didn’t hear a peep from her until we arrived.

Hallerbos was beautiful!  We did a walk that was 7.5km that took us through all the most beautiful parts of the forest.  It took us three hours because I kept stopping to take photos but the weather was lovely and we had a really wonderful time exploring.

Thankfully there were places like this where Xander could sit and chill while he waited for me to take my photos.

I think we went at the perfect time.  There was purple everywhere we looked and it was just so beautiful.  I got lucky with the light because when we first arrived it was still a bit clouded over and misty, but by the end the sun was blazing.  So I was able to get photos of the flowers in all sorts of different lighting.

There were quite a few people there but not so much that it felt crowded.  I think later in the season it will be crazy busy but we really felt like it was still a quiet walk through the forest, which made it a lot more enjoyable.

The dogs had a blast!  So much undiscovered territory to sniff and pee on.  They were in heaven!  It took me a while to get them to both sit in the same place, I decided to give up on trying to get them both looking at the camera at the same time.

They got to do what they love to do best, DIG!  There isn’t a sand pile around that hasn’t been scratched into submission by these two little dogs.

Pixel also did this crazy thing she does whenever we get her out into nature…

She rubbed herself on it…

… and rolled around in it.

I don’t know what it is that causes her to do this but whenever we are out she chooses these random spots to rub herself on, then she flips over and wriggles around all over it.  There are a million reasons why I think she’s a total weirdo and this is one of them.  She is the cutest little weirdo I have ever seen though, so I think I’ll keep her.

After all that digging and wriggling, a drink was in order.  I wasn’t sure how healthy it was for them to be drinking out of this stagnant pond but they were already doing it before I noticed so I just hoped that they didn’t keel over dead before we got out of the forest.

It may have also been a bit of a snack, because that pond was loaded with tadpoles.  Maybe the dogs weren’t actually drinking at all, it’s possible they were just fishing.

We gave them some treats anyway, just because they are so cute.

Honestly, I can’t say enough good about this place. No matter how many photos you take, there is no way to capture the beauty of it, you just have to experience for yourself.  From what I’ve read the flowers are in bloom from mid April until sometime in early May so I would say that it’s still possible to visit and see the flowers for at east another week.  I highly recommend it!

I’m still completely addicted to making HDR photos, so I had to make one from there as well, of course!

For the rest of the photos from my visit, see my Hallerbos set on Flickr!

Hallerbos can be found in Halle, Belgium which is approximately 1h45m from Rotterdam and 2h30m from Amsterdam.  There is parking throughout the park but I’d suggest going early if you want a spot!

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Well, if you can call it a break, but I will get to that in a moment…

Some people have been asking what is going on with us and the fertility treatments.  I’ve not written about it in a while just because I’ve been too exhausted both physically and emotionally.

For the last five months, I have spent a LOT of time (and by a lot I mean way too freaking much) here:

Because my life has revolved around this…

Don’t get excited, there is no baby in there.  That’s an egg follicle.  Every month I had to go to the hospital 3-4 times within one week so they could monitor the growth of my eggs.  This was in preparation for my IUI procedure.  When the egg follicles were mature they would induce ovulation.

Oh, and before you think that’s really not such a big deal (and I’m looking at most of the men here), because you think of ultrasounds like in the movies where they put the blob of gel on the lady’s belly?  No.  Hell no.

You know, I’m not even going to resize that photo because I think it needs to be left nice and big, just so you really get the idea of what I’m trying to tell you. This is what they use for these kinds of ultrasounds, and it does not go on the outside.  I call it the Ultrasound Dildo.  Oh, and just when I would think it ccouldn’t get any more fun than this, it often turned out I’d be having the echo done by some random male intern who looked like he couldn’t be a day over 22.  Oh yah, Doogie Howser, good times!

I can safely say that these fertility treatments have pretty much removed any shred of modesty I had left.  I’m not sure if that’s a good  or bad thing but right about now the homeless guy outside the supermarket could ask to look all up in my lady business and I’d probably let him without even missing a beat.

So anyway, now that I’ve left you with that mental image, I will move on.

In order to grow these egg follicles (plural) my life has also revolved around these…

Daily injections in my stomach and a monthly whopper of an injection in my thigh.  Thankfully I am not even remotely afraid of needles and got quite good at giving myself the injections.  I really feel for the women who are afraid of needles and have to do this every day.

Even though I am not bothered by the needles, that doesn’t mean the injections were a walk in the park.  Sometimes, for whatever reason, it would really hurt.. like REALLY hurt.  I don’t know if I was hitting something or if some days I was just more sensitive than others, but there were times where I had a really hard time with the injections because of the pain.

The worst part though?  The results…  these were hormones I was pumping into myself and I am crazy sensitive and emotional anyway.  With the injections it was like PMS all month long, and that was no fun at all.  Not for me or for anyone around me.  The fact that this was taking place during the winter, when my mood usually takes a dip anyway, and fresh off the back of a surgery?  Let’s just say, it made for a rather unpleasant situation.

Of course, I wasn’t the only one suffering.  My husband suffered, even though his life really only revolved around this.

No seriously, they really are his sperm!

Yes, suffer he did, by proxy of course.  I know I was an absolute nightmare to live with but he did everything he could to try to make it a little easier for me.

Especially during this time… after the procedure was finished and my mind was going crazy, because that’s when the real insanity starts.  Once the insemination was done and I was facing the dreaded two week wait, which always starts with this 20 minutes of laying still right afterwards.  Two weeks is a lot of time to live in that kind of uncertainty, especially when you are up to your eyeballs in hormones.  My head was full of hopes and dreams that kept colliding with my fears and anxieties.  Did I care what I was going to make for dinner, my hobbies, my social life or anything else?  No, it was all about this, every day, 100% of the time… and no amount of telling me to relax, not think about it or go on with my life was going to change that.

So, hubby knew there was only one answer.

Act like a total clown…

… and keep me entertained.

I will love him forever for that, because it didn’t end on that hospital table. It was every day, whether it was urging me to go out and see my friends, curling up with me for a nap in the afternoon, dragging me out for a walk with the dogs or tempting me with photography outings, he did find ways to help make it better sometimes, and that was no easy task.

Ok, he also kept me stocked with chocolate, the man is no fool!  It didn’t bode well for my diet but desperate times call for desperate measures, and these were desperate times indeed.

So, where do things stand now?  It’s over… well, for now anyway.

I have had six cycles of IUI, which is all that I was covered for with my insurance, and this last cycle they really went to town with the drugs. I guess it was a last ditch attempt to make it work, but it didn’t. The evidence of the latest failure came this past weekend and it was a pretty rough time for me.  Even though deep down I’ve always sort of known that IUI wasn’t going to work for us, I was hoping it would.  Of COURSE I was hoping it would, what am I saying, I’d be crazy if I didn’t!  I was disappointed, angry, sad, frustrated, ticked off, PISSED AS HELL!

Now where do we go from here?  That’s the thing, the journey isn’t over.  I am now on a break, if you can call it that.  I need to get back on the wagon and lose another 30-35 lbs in order to move on to IVF.  They were able to start the IUI earlier as this is done at the hospital and it’s at their discretion, but IVF is done at a separate clinic and it’s a firm rule here in the Netherlands that they won’t do it if you have a BMI over 35.

If only I were taller!

On the plus side, I now am getting the chance to let the hormones leave my system, have at least the spring and summer (and probably fall) free from hospital visits, needles, and hormones, and all the other negative shit that is a part of having these treatments.

On the down side… I am not sure it’s really a break at all.  Losing weight is difficult, yes I’ve done it before but I have backtracked and gained about 15 lbs of the 80-85 lbs I’d lost previously. Ok, it could be worse after over five months of the hormones and all that, but still.  It’s hard enough to lose weight without the pressure of our future on top of it.

It’s all on me.  There’s not a thing Xander or anyone else can do to make this happen. It’s me.  Which is fitting, I suppose as it wasn’t anyone else that made me fat to begin with.  So I suppose it should be up to me to make it right.  Still though, knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that losing weight is hard in the BEST of situations.  Trying to lose weight while feeling my biological clock ticking in the back of my head, impatience and frustration because I want to do the IVF NOW and get it over with, and having to re-lose weight I’ve already lost.  That’s a bit more difficult.  Both our futures rest on my ability to do this.  All our eggs are in MY basket (pardon the pun) and if we ever want to have a family I HAVE to lose this weight, and soon, because I’m not 25 anymore.

What also makes it difficult is having spent the last five months having one procedure that didn’t work. It feels like it was all for nothing.  I got off track with my weight loss, went through a massive amount of mental anguish and physical pain… for nothing!!! 

I do have the choice of doing three more IUI procedures (if my insurance agrees) after I lose the weight and before moving on to IVF.  After so many IUI already failing a part of me wants to go straight to the IVF, and I also worry about possible weight gain over those three months which will mean another break again before beginning with the IVF.  I will decide that once the weight is off though.  I will probably do the IUI just to completely maximize my chances.  May as well, I guess.

How will I ever cope if I do manage to lose all this weight, have the IVF and that doesn’t work either?  I really don’t know.  With my history of depression tied with infertility, I really worry about what that will do to me mentally. I’m already completely crushed after the IUI’s ending without success, but at least I know there is another step.  We still have IVF ahead of us.  What will I feel and what will I do if IVF doesn’t work and then that it’s, the end?

I really don’t know.  I can’t not try though because I’d never forgive myself. 

So please, be prepared… it’s going to be a rocky few months here on Canadutch!  There may be some ranting and I suspect it will be a lot of talk (and bitching) about weight loss, so please bear with me!

Related posts:

1. Gonna Get My Hump On
2. 100 Steps To Go
3. The Day My Husband Finally Got In My Pants