For now, I just want to share some videos that I found really interesting.  Everyone seems to rave about this Dr. Oz, so when I came across these videos today, I just had to share.  In the videos he explains exactly what Gastric Bypass surgery is, why it’s not a cop out or the easy way, why it has such a bad stigma and why more people who are eligible for the surgery and would benefit from it aren’t doing it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not like YAY! Everyone run out and have surgery RIGHT NOW!! but I have had a lot of people who are considering surgery asking me questions over the past few months, and while everyone in my life has been incredibly supportive, I know not everyone is as lucky as I have been in that regard.

Weight Loss Surgery DOES have a stigma attached to it, and I think it’s sad that it stops many people (the way it almost stopped me) from getting the help they need.  People are ashamed, afraid of what their friends and family will think of them and instead of getting help and getting their health under control, they just continue to spiral.

AGAIN, I’m not saying this surgery is the answer for everyone…  just that I wish there wasn’t such a horrible stigma to it.  As I said, I have wonderful friends and family and I STILL worried, because people, in general, feel and think so many bad things about weight loss surgery… so imagine what it’s like for the person who doesn’t have the kind of support in their lives that I have had…

Dr. Oz The Underperformed Surgery You Should Be Getting: Part 1
Dr. Oz The Underperformed Surgery You Should Be Getting: Part 2
Dr. Oz The Underperformed Surgery You Should Be Having: Part 3
Dr. Oz The Underperformed Surgery You Should Be Having: Part 4
Dr. Oz The Underperformed Surgery You Should Be Having: Part 5

I guess I’m just hoping that by being open about this myself, and sharing videos like these, that if people who read this have someone in their lives who is considering this surgery, they will stop and think before making comments about the easy way, the lazy way, or immediately start in with the horror stories they’ve heard.  There is so much to it than that and those things really aren’t what that person needs.  Concern is fine, that’s just showing you care.  The rest, it’s just unnecessary.

No related posts.

We just spent the past week and a half in the south of France visiting my in-laws, where we were pretty busy most of the time.  They needed some trees cut down on their property and we were put to work.  It was wonderful!  We spent a fair bit of time outdoors, we were active and busy and spent a lot of time hanging out and chatting with the family.  We didn’t really have a lot of time to think about what was coming up. It was the perfect distraction.

Now that has all changed.  I am back in the Netherlands, finishing up a few last minute things before we leave, and the nerves have crept up on me.  Over the course of this morning I’ve felt my heart starting to beat in my throat, my stomach is doing flip flops and I feel dizzy from all of the thoughts that are fighting for attention in my head at the moment.

I’m nervous, and even though I’ve done my best to be prepared, it just never feels like enough.  I’m afraid.  I’m so incredibly afraid I can hardly think.  I’m afraid of the pain I’m going to feel when I wake up from surgery, I’m afraid of the pain I’m going to feel mentally when the thing I’ve been trying to prepare myself for for months finally becomes a reality.  I’m afraid of the changes I’ll need to make, of the learning curve that comes along with a surgery like this and of those moments that I know are inevitable where I will eat something that seems harmless and then suffer for it.

I’m afraid that I will be the one freak of nature who has surgery like this and then somehow just doesn’t lose weight.  That the wall that I’ve built up in my mind is real. The one that tells me that I’ll never know what it’s like to weigh less than 200 lbs, that even with the surgery, I’ll never know what it feels like to be NORMAL.

There are so many things I’m afraid of at the moment, I couldn’t even list them all.  It’s a giant tangle up there, in my brain, and I know it’s normal and I just have to work through it, but that doesn’t make it any less stressful.

One thing I’ve vowed to do is to try to stay positive through all of this.  I believe that if I can just stay positive, remember all the reasons I’m doing this and try to look forward to the positive changes, that I will recover more quickly and feel more peace during this process.  Of course, this goes totally against my nature as I’m a worrier and a glass is half empty type, but Rome wasn’t built in a day, right?

So this saying is going to be my mantra for the next while.

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s learning to dance in the rain.

What does that mean for me?  Well… it means that I can’t just sit here and be nervous and let it take over me, I need to remind myself of why I’m doing this, all the benefits I hope to get out of it and what a positive change this is going to be in my life.

I can’t just lay in the hospital and wait for the pain to pass, I need to remind myself that the pain is just temporary, that in the grand scheme of things it will be nothing but a tiny blip in this entire journey.

I need to remember that there will be a day when this weight is gone… there may also be a day when I finally have a baby in my arms and if not, that I will maybe finally come out from under this cloud that being overweight has kept hanging over me.

A day or two of pain is worth it, right?  A small price to pay to get a second chance.  It’s a price I’m certainly willing to pay if it means getting a new start in a healthier and more energetic body.  A body that may be able to get pregnant, carry a child and give me the chance to be a mother.  If not a mother than someone who is active and ready to get out there and LIVE life rather than watching it pass me by.

So that’s why I’m here, my first step in killing these nerves with kindness, if you will.  Instead of thinking about all of the things I’m afraid of, I want to think about what I’m looking forward to.  The positive changes I’m hoping this surgery will help me achieve.

• First and foremost, it will come as no surprise… the hope of finally having a child.  Not only having one, but being fit enough to have a healthy pregnancy and to be able to give a child the happy and active childhood they deserve.
• If I’m lucky enough to get pregnant, to have the pregnant body I’ve always dreamed of having.  The majority of the time I’ve been trying to get pregnant I’ve weight between 250-300 lbs.  I’d be lying if I said a part of me didn’t feel a little sad about the thought of missing out on that true baby bump.  I knew that if I had gotten pregnant it probably wouldn’t have even been noticeable until I was really far along. I’d spend the majority of the pregnancy just looking fatter.  Yeah ok, this one is a little vain but these are my dreams.  I just love the idea of being pregnant and LOOKING pregnant.  I want to wear maternity clothes, fit into pregnancy t-shirts with stupid sayings like “baby on board”.  I’ve waited so long for this, if it happens I can’t help but dream of it being… perfect.
• Being thin and fit enough to wear a baby.  As a bigger woman, when I see others walking around with babies on their chests in carriers, all I think is how sore my back would get and how incredibly hot it would be.  Maybe those things happen for thinner women too, but I’m betting it’s less severe.  I want to wear my baby around, I want to be able to shop while feeling them sleeping against me.  I want to be thin enough to actually fit into one of those carriers without the baby being squished to death.
• I want a lot of non-baby things too… I want to go to any café and plunk myself down on the terrace without worrying if my ass will fit in their little plastic or metal chairs.
• To have pants last more than a few months because my thighs aren’t constantly rubbing together and threatening to catch fire.
• To not avoid going out and doing things in the summer because I’m ashamed of how hot, red and sweaty I get while trying to lug my body around in the heat.
• To wear cute summer clothes that I feel make me feel nice and look nice, rather than just WHAT FITS and doesn’t show off too much of my flab.
• Maybe finally feeling comfortable in shorts after many years of either wearing nothing but long pants, or suffering the embarrassment of everyone seeing my legs. To wear them and not think anything of it… and be comfortable.
• To try activities I haven’t done in such a long time because I either felt too big or the equipment needed wouldn’t fit.  I’d love to go skiing again, when my legs might possibly fit in boots without losing feeling in my toes.  I want to ice skate again without that constant fear of “the bigger they are the harder they fall”.  I SO want to go horseback riding again, which was always my biggest passion, but have always been afraid to ask my horseback riding friends back home to take me riding because I felt too fat even for a horse to carry.
• I want to try NEW activities that I’ve avoided doing because they were too difficult for me, like roller blading or windsurfing!
• I want to wear a swimsuit on the beach and walk from my towel to the shore without worrying who is looking at my massive thighs or other wobbly bits.
• To walk by a group of teenagers and have their chuckles, snickers and laugh not even register with me because it no longer even crosses my mind that they may be laughing at me.
• To wear regular sized clothes and have a whole new world of clothing opened up to me, rather than sticking to the same one or two plus sized clothing stores where I just buy what fits, rather than what I really like… and not paying a fortune for it.
• I want to see what I really look like under here.  I’ve spent almost 37 years never knowing what I look like at a ‘normal’ weight. I know what I look like overweight, I know what I look like obese, and I know what I look like super obese… but I have no idea what I was meant to look like.  What I look like as just a regular person at a healthy weight.  Will I look younger?  Will I look older?  Will I be pretty?  I want to know.
• I want to get on the scale, and see a weight below 200 lbs, what a moment that will be for me!
• To feel my husband not just get his arms around me, but completely wrap me in them, without both of us trying to work around my belly.
• To sleep well, without the constant tossing and turning to try to get comfortable, and morning backaches.
• To travel by plane or by train and be able to sit comfortably (even with the tray down) rather than just kind of fitting, or not fitting at all!
• I want to be able to cross my legs like other women.  Just cross them and have my leg dangle comfortably there without having to stick my toe behind something to keep it crossed.
• To not always be one of the biggest people in the room, if not the biggest overall.
• Most of all, I just want to be the me I’ve always imagined and hoped I’d be.  Better, happier and healthier.

 There are probably an awful lot of other things but these are the first ones that come to mind.  Of course, the surgery isn’t going to many any of this happen like magic, a lot of it will take hard work on my part… but they are all possibilities.  I need to remember that and try to see the surgery as a door opening up to a whole new world.  That is how I will find success here, by not beating myself up about what I consider to be failures in the past and working towards the future. A POSITIVE future.

This will probably be my last post before I leave, so wish me luck!  I’ll be back with an update when I’m home again, hopefully on Saturday or Sunday!

Related posts:

1. So You Think You Can Dance – Tranji!
2. Here Comes The Rain Again…
3. The Dance

My husband and I have been watching a new series called Homeland, which is great and I will probably write more about it later, and it also stars Claire Danes.  We end up commenting multiple times during each episode about what an unbelievably good actress she is, and then I remembered the movie I had seen and mentioned it to Xander.  I insisted that he watch it because I thought he’d really enjoy it too, and I was right.  He was as amazed as I was by both Claire Danes’ portrayal of Temple as we were by Temple’s incredible story itself.

As you can see from the trailer, Temple Grandin is Autistic.  When she is young her mother is concerned by the fact that she still hasn’t spoken at four years of age, and that she is very distant physically.  The doctor tells her that Temple is Autistic and that they usually recommend that children with Autism are placed in an institution as there is nothing that can be done for them.  What’s worse is, at her insistence, he also gives his opinion on what causes Autism in children… which is that they weren’t given affection by their mother at a crucial moment in time.  This was only after he suggested that maybe she should have her husband to come in so he could explain it to him.  This was one of the most glaring examples in the movie of how drastically times have changed, and thank god for that!

It’s at that time that Temple’s mother decides that she isn’t going to let the fact that Temple is Autistic get in the way.  She keeps working with her until she speaks, when she speaks she is sent to school, she has to work and even goes on to university.  Her mother makes sure that no matter what happens and who she comes across in life, she never forgets that she is DIFFERENT, NOT LESS!

While spending the summer working on her aunt’s farm, she realizes that she is especially in tune with animals, and this is what sets her path to a fantastic career in animal handling. Teaching farmers and ranch hands all over the world how to treat animals more humanely and even redesigning a lot of their butcheries and other facilities.  She is fully aware of the fact that cattle are butchered and has no problem with that but she feels that if cattle are raised for the purpose of nourishment for us, that they should be given some respect.

Another major thing that takes place for her is when she sees her uncle and the other farm hands using a press machine to calm cattle for getting their injections.  She is a bit shocked by how it calms the cattle and begins to wonder if the same would work for her, as being hugged by humans is scary but she still craves that feeling of pressure that comes from a hug.  During one of her emotional breakdowns she runs out to the yard and climbs into the contraption, begging her aunt to close it on her.  Her aunt, frightened and emotional herself, finally gives in and is amazed to see an instant calming effect take place.  Temple then immediately sets out to build her squeeze machine, which she keeps with her from that moment on, making a massive difference for her in day to day life.

The squeeze machine designed by Temple Grandin

There really isn’t enough I can say to stress what a wonderfully heart warming and educational film this is. With the real Temple Grandin working together with the makers of the movie, it gives you the most amazing insight into what it’s like in the Autistic mind, which is something I found utterly fascinating!

When I think of the fact that this woman could have possibly been stuck in an institution, never to be heard or seen from again, it makes me so sad.  Sad not only because we very nearly missed out on this wonderful woman and the difference she has made in the world, but also because it makes me wonder what other amazing minds the world has missed out on because their parents were afraid to go against the grain.

This movie shows us that it’s true what they say about it taking a village to raise a child.  Everyone we come in contact with can play even the smallest role in who we become as people and what we achieve.  If it weren’t for Temple’s mother, aunt, high school science teacher and all the other people who recognized greatness in her and encouraged her, who knows where she would have ended up.

The real Temple Grandin (left) with Claire Danes in character during the filming.

Temple Grandin is now a doctor of animal science and professor at Colorado State University.  She is a bestselling author, a consultant to the livestock industry on animal behavior, and the inventor of the squeeze machine.  She is also very active in he Autism community, trying to raise awareness and urging people to look deeper and try to work with Autistic children, for who knows what they may be capable if the right person comes along and finds what makes them tick.

Check out the video below to see Temple Grandin on Ted Talks discussing how the world needs all types of different minds. It is really worth watching and makes you think about the education system today and how many kids pass through without anyone ever taking the time to really see where they could excel if given the chance.

Related posts:

1. Movie Review – Saw 3
2. Movie Review – The Holiday
3. Review: We Need to Talk About Kevin

I thought I was imagining things. Then I thought that my phone just took really crappy photos… but that’s not the case. Facebook is killing my mobile photos and I want to know why!

I have a HTC Desire and other than a few small things (like the constant messages about running out of internal storage) I can’t complain.  I don’t do as much with it as a lot of people, I rarely phone but I do msg people and upload photos to Facebook and all the usual stuff.

Just the other day I had uploaded a photo and was thinking what shitty photos my phone takes, but then I took a photo at sunset today and on my phone it looked nice and colorful, but when I uploaded it to Facebook it was completely dull. What the heck is going on?!

I decided to hold up my camera to the photo on my laptop screen and take a photo with my point and shoot camera.  See the difference?  I took the photo in the first place because when I went to the balcony to check something, I was stopped in my tracks by the beautiful blue and orange-ish pink colors in the sky.  I took a photo and quickly uploaded it to Facebook and what I ended up seeing on my screen was the photo on the right.  The colors in this photo aren’t exactly right, as it’s a photo of a photo of a photo, but you can definitely see the difference between what I took on my phone and what I got once it was uploaded to Facebook….

Again, I ask W.T.H????

I’ve had this problem previously between Photoshop and Flickr, and it turned out that it was a setting that I had to change in the color settings.  I had it to one setting but I had to set it to something else that was better for uploading photos to the web, and the problem was solved.  I can’t figure it out with my phone though. Am I doomed to upload washed out photos from my mobile?!

I was going to ask this on Facebook but then I realized that the color would just be washed out again upon uploading it and the difference might not be visible.  Although, I generally don’t have as MUCH of a problem anymore when uploading photos from my cameras (used to be gawdawful but it has improved)… now it it just seems to be the mobile uploads that are completely washed out after uploading.

Does anyone know why this might be happening or how I can fix it?  I know it’s just mobile photos but I just can’t stand not having the same photo show up as the one I took and wanted to share in the first place. Help!

*Edit* Here is another photo comparison of a screenshot of a photo after it was uploaded and a photo of what it looks like on the phone.  Man oh man this is bugging me.

Related posts:

1. Don’t Hate Facebook, Hate Your Friends!
2. Gotta Love Facebook

(The following photos are screenshots from the website, not photos I have taken – I wish!)

Basically, you just click on the circle to see the view from the rooftop of that building. You can use your mouse to pull the view from side to side or up and down.

It really is such a cool idea and put together so nicely! So if you would like to take a tour of this wonderful city that I live in click here!

I’m quite curious how they got access to all these rooftops. Is it just a matter of going in and asking someone?  I’d love to be able to get up in some of these locations, especially for some night time photography.  I’ll have to look into this sometime!

Related posts:

1. Rotterdam Tour de France Promo
2. Paleis Het Loo
3. Rotterdam Without War

Movies and TV are no exception, I cry for everything.  I cry during romantic comedies, I cry when people achieve greatness, I cry when someone crosses a finish line or fails to do so, I cry when the wind blows…

I don’t know if it’s my emotional state with my recent weight gain or perhaps my anxiety with my upcoming surgery, but MAN, it’s worse than ever!

On Christmas Day Xander and I got up and went to see the 9:30am showing of New Year’s Eve, which we loved… but I was already a mess of tears before the dang movie even started!  I cried through every single one of the trailers. No lie.  I was really starting to question my sanity by the time the movie started.  Watch these and let me know if you tear up at all.

I didn’t even re-watch them because I know if I do I’ll be a blubbering idiot again.

I so want to see these movies, and at the same time I really really don’t, because I know what will happen. I’ll be sitting in the theater trying to inconspicuously wipe my eyes and letting my nose dribble past the point of no return for fear of giving that loud “HEY EVERYONE, I’M CRYING LIKE A NUTCASE!” sniff.

I’m not just trying to be funny here, I really do wonder if I am on Insano Island all on my own here, or if they really are doing something different lately with the trailers in order to trigger a more emotional response.  Do any of you feel this as well?

This is probably one of those times where I’d be happy to just let you amuse me by agreeing with me regardless.

Maybe I’ll just watch them at home, where I’m free to wail and wipe my nose on my sleeve in peace.

P.S. I also cried the entire way through the New Year’s Eve movie…

Related posts:

1. Bad Movie Night
2. Bad Blogger!!
3. You take the good, you take the bad…

Ok, well it looks like this is becoming a bit of a series, this whole Confessions thing.  I’ve been trying to be as honest and open as possible about my efforts to lose weight, as well as about my issues with infertility.  I think the greater part of my reason for it is because it makes me feel better to get it all out.  I also continue to do it because I know that there are other people out there, like me, who find it helpful when others open up about their experiences. If reading my story can help inform someone or, at the very least, let them know they aren’t alone, then that’s a great reason too.

Anyway, let’s get down to the reason why I’m writing today.  There’s no leading up to this and I’ve found that the best way to do it is the tried and true ripping off the bandaid approach.

I am going to have weight loss surgery.  On January 18th, 2012 I am having gastric bypass surgery, which is shown in the video below, for those who don’t know what it is.

Ok, now it’s out there, there is no turning back.  I know some of you already know this, but many don’t and I’m sure for those people it has come as a bit of a shock to your system but that’s ok.  It was a bit of a shock to mine as well!

If you had asked me this time last year where I’d be right now, I would have said that I’d have all of my weight off and be about to start IVF.  I was after losing 85 pounds, feeling great and was well on my way to reaching my goals.  I would have puffed my chest out and exclaimed that NOTHING was getting in my way, I was a woman on a mission and I was kicking ass and taking names.

That was before this happened, before the fertility treatments began, before the hormones, stress, and disappointment that came along with the six months of fertility treatments.  I had totally underestimated the toll that would take on me and how difficult it would make losing weight.  Hell, how difficult it would be to keep the weight I’d already lost off… because I am an emotional eater and this was one of the most emotional experiences I have been through.  I wish I didn’t, and I’ve tried to change it over the years, but food has always equaled comfort for me.  So when I was loaded with hormones and dying with anticipation and anxiety over whether I had gotten pregnant that month, I ate.  When I realized I wasn’t pregnant again that month, I was sad, angry, and disappointed…. so I ate.

In the last year I have tried time and time again to get back on track and find that strength I had the year before.  I’d do detox after detox, tried having my doctor send me to another dietitian and still I couldn’t seem to make it happen.  Instead of continuing to lose the weight, I gained back half of what I lost and it felt horrible.

The thing is, I know many people feel that if you want something badly enough you just do it.  How I wish it were that simple, and I think if it were the world wouldn’t have the obesity problems it has today.  Nobody WANTS to be overweight, nobody wants to have the health issues that come along with it or to be made fun of and have their self esteem trampled into the dirt.  Nobody wants that.

In my experience (and I fully admit this may just be me) I have found that the more I had riding on this, the more difficult it became.  My biological clock has been ticking VERY loudly and not only my chances of having children, but also my husband’s, relied on me losing weight.  That’s a lot of pressure and that pressure and stress turned out to not be a motivation for me, but an obstacle.  It was constantly there nagging at me and stressing me out.

Weight loss surgery was first suggested to me by my gynecologist in 2006 and let me tell you, I did NOT take kindly to that suggestion at all.  I was furious that she would even suggest that to me because I’d started losing weight on my own and was convinced that I could get it done.  That was one of many times in the past six years when I was convinced I was going to get it done on my own.

Over the years I’ve tried the general eat less move more method, Weight Watchers, Low Carbing and everything in between.  Generally I’d lose 25-30 lbs and then whatever would happen, whether it was a family member dying back home, other family issues, winter blues or whatever, I would then turn around and gain it back… and then some.  Which lead to the great scale disaster of 2008, when I stepped on and realized I weighed over 300 lbs.

How fucking embarrassing it still is to say that.

As I said, I thought the recent 85 lb weight loss was really going to be it, as I’d gone further than I ever have, but it wasn’t, and what can I do about it now after letting another year slip by and gaining half of it back?

The weight loss surgery was given to me as an option by both my fertility specialist and my family doctor over the years. They didn’t really push it on me, rather just let me know it was there.  Every time I’d hold my hand up and tell them no.  I mean weight loss surgery?!   Were they out of their freaking minds?!!  When I declined they would do whatever they could, whether it was sending me to a weight loss program that paid for a gym membership, or to a new dietitian, they really did try to help motivate me and give me what I needed to try to lose the weight.

Looking back, I think the one thing we should have done, but didn’t, was see a therapist about WHY I am an emotional eater, and try to solve those problems. I think that would have gone a long way to helping me finally beat this issue once and for all.  Oh but we all know about hindsight…

After recent talks with my doctor, and the new dietitian (who I absolutely ADORE) together we have come to the following conclusions:

1. I will be 37 years old in a few months, and once I hit 40 any chances I have of having IVF are over.

2. After 35 years of age, the success rate with IVF pretty much drops by half every year.

3. After the re-gain, for me to now get to the HIGHEST weight acceptable for IVF (which also means the weight that gives me the lowest chance of success) it would take me 12-15 months.  I would still be considered overweight, still be hovering around the 200 lb mark and while I would be ALLOWED to have IVF by slipping in under the line… when taking my age and weight into consideration, my chances of getting pregnant would be very very low.

4. In that 12-15 months, with the surgery, I could not only get to a weight to be allowed to have IVF but surpass that and reach a much lower and healthier weight.  This would not only increase my chances of conceiving greatly, but put me in a much better position for a healthy pregnancy if I’m lucky enough to have one at all.

5. If, heaven forbid, the IVF doesn’t work, I won’t still be seriously overweight, emotional and trying to move on. I will hopefully have much fitter body, better outlook on life and feel more energetic and motivated to move on with life, free of FAT and INFERTILITY, for the first time in as long as I can remember.

6. I HAVE tried on my own, for YEARS. I have done the work, I’ve fought the fight and really made an honest to goodness effort to do this on my own, that is something nobody will ever be able to accuse me of, not trying my hardest on my own.  As much as I’d like to THINK I could get this done on my own over the next year, I thought that last year as well and I was in a much better position then.  I was 40 lbs lighter than I am now and felt a million times better.

7. If I don’t decide to take this leap now, and a year from now haven’t managed to get the weight off on my own, it may be too late.  As my doctors said, I’m at a critical point now in regards to my weight and age.  If I turn down the surgery now, and in a year still haven’t gotten the weight off, I risk missing my window completely… because when factoring in waiting and recovery periods with the surgery, it will be too late.  I wouldn’t be able to get it all done in time to still slip in under the age limit for the IVF.

This is not a decision I’ve made lightly, nor is it something I am taking lightly.  I don’t view the surgery as a fix for anything and I’m fully aware that unless I DO sort out my issues with food and do the work that I’ll eventually just gain all the weight back.  I know all the risks and rewards and have basically dedicated the past few months of my life to this.  I’ve been gathering info on the different surgeries available, visiting the clinic, speaking and visiting with people who have had or are going to have surgery, learning more about food and eating after the surgery and talking extensively about this with my close family and friends.

I have also been working hard to set up a support system for myself.  I’ve been trying to get to know other people who have been or are being treated by the same clinic, I’ve gone to one of their meetings and that was incredibly helpful and gave me a lot of insight.  I have a few friends who have done this and they’ve been wonderfully supportive and I’m currently working on getting set up with a therapist (outside of the one I see in the after care program from the clinic) to really dig deep and help me once and for all put an end to my dysfunctional relationship with food.

Basically, if I’m going to take this drastic step, I feel like I have to really do the work to make sure it sticks, because it’s really not a place I ever thought I’d be in my life.  Weight loss surgery was something I never thought I’d even consider because I had a lot of the same opinions other people who have never faced it have… it’s the easy way out, the lazy way out, weight loss surgery is for losers who can’t be arsed to do it on their own.

Boy, let me tell you… has my opinion changed since I have had to stare this beast face to face.  It’s anything but easy.  In fact, it’s going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  It’s a massive life change, it’s going to be painful at times, sad at times and I’m sure there will be a few screaming fits in the mix along the way… but I’m hopeful that one day it will be worth it.

I won’t lie, I’m scared to death.  I’m scared of the surgery, the time in the hospital, making the huge changes that are required, how people are going to react to me doing this, of possibly gaining the weight back someday, of complications or crappy side effects (like losing hair, ugh!) and a million other things.

That said though, I am confident in my decision and I know that this is the right choice for me at this time.  It wasn’t six years ago, it wasn’t four years ago and it wasn’t this time last year… but it is now.  I will be operated on by Dr. Bruno Dillemans in Brugge Belgium, who is one of the top bariatric surgeons in the world, so that is very comforting.  The reason the surgery is taking place in Belgium is because I am having it done via a private clinic outside Amsterdam, rather than one of the hospitals in Rotterdam.  The waiting period for the surgery at the hospitals in Rotterdam is between 9-12 months, which when you factor in the 12 months I’ll need to set aside after the surgery for the weight loss, is too long in my situation.  Thankfully my insurance company forwarded me to this clinic which has only a 3 month waiting period.   The super surgeon is an added bonus.

I have waited until almost the last minute to write about this because I wanted to tell the people who are closest to me and I wanted to give myself time to process it and be confident and secure enough to deal with everyone’s questions and reactions.  I was very insecure about this in the beginning, I felt like a total failure and like I WAS giving up, but I don’t feel that way anymore.  I know that if all I wanted was an easy or lazy way out I would have jumped at the chance one of the many times it was mentioned to me over the last six years.  I also don’t think I have failed, I managed to lose 85 lbs, which is something a lot of people can’t do at all, let alone with as much riding on it as I have had.  I have tried my hardest to do this on my own and I no longer see this as a failure, rather just choosing another path that gives me the greatest chance of achieving my goals.

Another reason I feel comfortable enough to be open about this now is because of how unbelievably supportive and understanding my close friends and family have been.  In the beginning I was terrified to tell people for fear of how they’d react but everyone has been so understanding and supportive.  Sure, they are worried for me as it is a major surgery and a life changing event, but like me they are hopeful that whether the IVF works or not, that in the end this will all lead to me having a healthier, happier and more productive life.  Even those that I thought would have a sort of *shock horror* response have not had that at all, quite the opposite actually and their support has meant the world to me.

I will have the surgery on January 18th and I’ve been sure to make no big plans for the first few months of the year, as there is quite a long recovery period and I won’t be working on a lot of calories in the beginning so I won’t have a lot of energy. So for those nearby please don’t be offended if I am a bit scarce for a while, hopefully I’ll be back in action soon!  You are all welcome to come by for a visit though!!

Well, that’s all my news!  I’m going to stop now as this has, in true Canadutch style, turned into a total novel.  I know I’ll re-read this and there will be 100 little bits of info I’d wish I’d included but I’m going to try to restrain myself!

Related posts:

1. Confessions of a Fat Girl
2. Confessions of a Fat Girl: Fat and Feminine?
3. The Fat Lady

We actually visited the area twice, but the first day it was too cloudy and they said we wouldn’t be able to see anything, so we moved on and visited some caves in the area.  The next day it was still partially cloudy but it was our last chance so we went up anyway.

You can see the clouds in the above photo that I took on the day that we ended up leaving.  We sort of suspected that it might be too cloudy as the entire campground was in the middle of a cloud when we woke up, but we hoped it would clear up by the time we got there.  No such luck.

The next day things were a lot more clear and I was so excited when we were driving up the mountain and could see our first glimpse of the peak!

We had to ride to the peak in one of these, it was pretty full and got really warm but what a great view along the way!

Oh, I also have to mention the guys who work these things. Don’t even try to ask them questions, don’t try to socialize and well, basically don’t try to make any use of them at all.  From what we could tell they were a very small step up from trained monkeys who are there to bring you to the top and back without dying… beyond that, they are absolutely useless.  On the first day we visited we tried to talk to them to ask about the conditions at the top and if it was worth going up, and even though my husband made the effort to speak to them in French, all we got was a few grunts in return.  Our experience of trying to be friendly with them the following day was met with the same kind of reception.

So if you are looking for information, a smile or a friendly face, don’t look there.  Visit the ticket office which is not in the same building, but down and off to the side of the lift area.  They will tell you whatever you need to know and sell you your tickets.

When I looked out and took this photo I wasn’t sure that I could believe my eyes, were those little specs along the path actually people?!

Sure enough, it was, and they were looking pretty darn tired.  The man was trekking along with his nordic walking sticks and the woman was being dragged along behind him by holding onto his backpack.  The boy looked like he was completely out of juice and was being pulled along by his mother.

I had to give them credit, I’d never have attempted that walk!  I wish I could have gotten better photos to show just how long and steep that path is.

This lake was visible just before we reached the peak.  To give you an idea of the scale of everything, there were people walking along those paths as well, they are just so small you can hardly see them!  Tiny little specs along the path!!

Then we finally reached the top, which was amazing. The sky was so blue and the weather was beautiful, although quite windy!  There was a fair few people there but it wasn’t packed to the point of being uncomfortable.  There were people eating at the restaurants, sitting out having picnics and lots and lots of photographers.  More than once I found myself suffering from varying degrees of lens envy while standing shoulder to shoulder with other photographers up there.

One piece of advice I would give anyone that was visiting the area, is to pack a lunch.  The restaurants were busy and somewhat expensive, but there was plenty of areas to sit and eat a packed lunch.  We found ourselves wishing we had done so as it was coming along lunchtime when we were there and we were both starving.  We had food in our cooler in the car but we didn’t think to bring it up with us, so we took the edge off with a chocolate bar from a vending machine and then went in search of a place to stop and eat once were back on the ground again.

The view from the top was even better than on the ride up there.  It was a bit of a hazy day so we couldn’t see as far as you can on some of the more crisp and clear winter days but I’m still so glad that we made the effort to go back.  Like with most things, the photos really don’t do it justice, it’s something you have to see for yourself.

Seriously, I can’t even imagine what kind of view you get when it’s totally clear, it must be amazing. I’d love to visit sometime in the winter but just the thought of driving up into those mountains at that time of year frightens the crap out of me.

Oh, and a funny thing about visiting that area, there are always animals just roaming free.  You’ll see a lot more of them in photos from other areas we visited but for some reason at the Pic du Midi it seemed to be donkeys!

They just hung around the parking lot and socialized with the visitors, from what I could tell they often got quite lucky as well, most of the tourists found them VERY cute and shared their lunches.  I get the feeling that these are some seriously well fed donkeys.

Another interesting thing we noticed is how early people start arriving to watch the Tour de France.  If you look in this photo, you can see all the white motor homes lined up along the road on the bottom right of the photo.  We spent the rest of the day driving through the mountains along the same path that the Tour de France was going go through three days later.  Anywhere that had enough space was covered in trailers and people waiting to get their view of the bikers, it was crazy!

One last piece of advice… if you want information on what you are seeing or what is inside the Pic Du Midi, I’d suggest picking up a little booklet somewhere or printing off info online. I was somewhat disappointed to go through the place and find that there were no translations available.  All of the boards, videos and information are in French and apparently everyone else is out of luck.

Some things don’t really require you having to read anything though, like this miniature version of the Pic du Midi, which I found pretty cool!

If you are every lucky enough to be able to visit the Pyrenees, I’d definitely make the Pic du Midi one of your main destinations, especially if you have a really nice clear day.  I know if I ever return I’ll be going up again, without a doubt!

For more info you can visit their website, again… only available in French, but Google translate is your friend!

Related posts:

1. Movie Review – The Holiday
2. Review: Camping Pyrenees Natura
3. The 19th Wife: Book Review

This book sucked hardcore for the first few chapters and I had to force myself through it. It was long winded and the author appears to go out of her way to use run-on sentences and difficult language. I hate giving up on a book though, and I tend to try to push through them in case there is something better to be found.
I’m glad I did with this one, because it got very very good. Once I got used to the writing style and the content got more interesting, it turned out to be an extremely thought provoking novel which makes you question everything you’ve ever heard or thought about being a parent and having children. It makes you wonder especially about the nature vs nurture topic, which I’m still not sure about myself.
It’s almost hard to believe it’s fiction, to be honest. It makes me wonder if these are the things the mothers of the kids from Columbine and other school shootings thought and experienced.

The book is written through a series of letters from Eva, to her seemingly estranged husband, about their son Kevin.  Eva’s relationship with Kevin was strained from birth and as he grew older she was convinced that there was something wrong with him, always suspecting there was an evil side to him.  His behavior with her was drastically different than with her husband, who appears to be blissfully unaware of this side of him, partially because Kevin puts on a much happier face with him but also because he refuses to accept that his family is anything other than the norm.   This leads to Eva feeling quite alone in her efforts to win Kevin’s affection and deal with his abusive and sometimes cruel behavior.

I found it to be quite a difficult read for a number of reasons, both because of how the book was written but also the content.  As someone who has been trying to have children for a very long time, and had far too much time to question if we want to have one and why, this was an absolutely frightening read.  The thought of having a child and not having a connection with him / her and having them react to me in the way Kevin reacts to his mother (or doesn’t react) scared me.  It also made me worry about the decisions I would make as a mother, how they would affect any future child and what the hell I’d ever do if I had a child like this.

When I said the book was thought provoking, that was putting it mildly. It’s a book that you read and then it sticks with you… I have found myself mulling it over in my head while in bed, on the tram, while shopping and a lot of other times.  I’ve gone back and forth in my head about the nature vs nuture topic and how it applies in this movie.  Granted, this is a work of fiction and without speaking to the parents of kids who have done such horrible things, there’s no way to know if this is what it’s really like.  From what I gather, most parents are taken quite by surprise when their child does something so horrific, which wasn’t really the case with Eva in the book.

I’ve questioned again and again whether Kevin was born that way or if there was something in the way Eva acted towards him and if her depression and frustration with a difficult, constantly crying baby caused him to somehow detach from her, thus breaking the mother / child relationship and starting off what turned out to be quite evil behavior.

What has brought this all back up recently was seeing the movie.  It’s been years since I read the book, which is usually a good thing when it comes time to watch a movie that is based on one.  Otherwise I spend the entire time picking the movie apart and complaining about what is and isn’t represented from the book.  I was able to just watch this and enjoy it without remembering or recognizing what was missing, or what was added.

My experience when watching the movie was quite the same as when I read the book. There were parts that were boring but it was intriguing at the same time.  It probably helped that I had already read the book and knew what the outcome would be.   I did feel a heightened sense of anticipation and dread through the movie, which I know was the desired affect.

The children in the film were brilliant and more than once I wondered how they got a child that was so young to give such looks and portray such emotion.  All three of the boys that played Kevin did a remarkable job in creating a massive unease within me, the kind of feeling that makes me understand why some species eat their young.

The entire cast was chosen perfectly really.  I don’t think anyone could play the tortured, anguished Eva the way Tilda Swinton did.  She WAS Eva in this film, and what I liked most was that she managed to create that perfect balance that we found in the book, where you wanted to empathize and sympathize with her but at the same time there was something about her that made you uneasy as well.  I’m not sure a lot of actresses could bring that out in the character the way she did.  It takes a lot of acting skill to make you pity a character at the same time as you sort of hate her.

Her husband (Franklin), played by John C. Reilly, was also done very well.  His stubborn desire to have the perfect little nuclear family causes him to ignore and brush off all of Eva’s attempts to get him to understand what she is going through.   Reilly is the perfect person to play a sort of happy go lucky, father who is happy to ignore what is going on around him.

Both the book and the movie bring about so many questions.  What causes Kevin to be the way he is?  Is it Eva’s inability to deal with him as a difficult baby that severed the bond between mother and son?  Was there ever one there to begin with?  Is Kevin just inherently evil or was that something that was somehow created by his environment?

** Spoilers Ahead **

Another big question I have is in regards to how he feels about his parents.  Through the book and the movie I had the impression that he liked his father more than his mother, that there was more respect for  him.  If that were true, why did he kill Franklin and not Eva?  If all of his anger and hatred appeared to be aimed towards his mother, why did he not kill her?  Was it because he wanted her to live miserable and alone, feeling responsible for all the death and destruction Kevin left in his path?

I wonder if it wasn’t quite the opposite.  If in some strange way Kevin didn’t have more respect for his mother because she saw through him, and she constantly challenged him.  Did he not have less respect for his father and almost see him as an idiot who could be easily fooled by putting on a smile and pretending to be an adoring son?  Did he kill the father and sister because he had no use for them?

So many questions!  That is what makes a good book for me, something that leaves me thinking afterwards.  There are things I didn’t like about the book, and the movie, but none of it took away from the story and the endless questions that it left me with.  Even though I will probably never read it again, or watch the movie, I still think this is an incredible story.

Related posts:

1. The 19th Wife: Book Review
2. Book Review – Brand New Friend
3. Movie Review: Temple Grandin

It all started yesterday morning when I saw this video, made by Jonah Morwry, on George Takei’s Facebook Page…

Sad, right?  Honestly, I was sobbing my head off watching this video.  I shared it on Facebook and talked about it with my friends.  I couldn’t believe that this adorable boy was being made fun of and felt so terribly about himself.  What kind of world do we live in?!  I watched it about six times after, each time my heart breaking a little more for him.

I went out with friends last night and was telling them about the video and we got to discussing bullying and kids and everything that is going on with them in the world today.  I told them they absolutely had to see this video!  When I came home I found it on my Facebook page and tagged them so that they’d see it right away.  Then I decided to do a Google search and see if there were any updates on Jonah after the video.  That’s when I found this article on Perez Hilton, which mentioned that Jonah had his own YouTube channel.

This is where it all starting going wrong.  Suddenly I knew exactly what kind of world we are living in!

We are living in a world where absolutely anyone can make a tear jerking video and take the world by storm, regardless of what kind of person they are or what they do to other people.  All you need is a cute face, a few crocodile tears and a Twitter account and before long you’ll have every idiot on Facebook (including myself) and celebrity in Hollywood blindly supporting you.

You are probably wondering what changed my feelings so drastically.  Well, it was this…

A video made by Jonah and his friends spoofing a reality show about Obese people trying to lose weight.

What in the fresh hell is this?!

Suddenly I was enraged!  First of all, my ears were begging for mercy because of the nonsense in the beginning of the video, then once I really got to the content I became really angry.  I was angry because I realized that more than once in that day I’d shed tears for someone who makes fun of people like ME!!  HOW IS THIS OK?!

How is it ok for this boy and his friends to target and make fun of an entirely different group of people?  Isn’t this what Jonah was weeping about in his video, that people were making fun of him, making him hate himself and that it made him scared to be around people?  Did he not stop to think that the people he was making fun of in his video may feel the exact same way?

What kinds of comments would a group of teens get if they made a video making fun of gay people?  What would Jonah think of that, I wonder.

Being gay does not give anyone the monopoly on feeling bad about themselves, nor does it give them the right to make fun of others to make themselves feel better.  Bullying and belittling comes in all different shapes and sizes.  Whether you are gay, fat, wear glasses, braces, dress differently, or any other of the endless reasons people decide to make fun of others… it doesn’t hurt any of the rest any less than it hurts gay people when they are made fun of.

I feel scammed.  I feel like when someone gets you to watch a video of a kitten frolicking in a field and then suddenly the face of Freddy Krueger comes jumping out at you.  I fell for his crocodile tears, thought he was one of the good ones.  One of the kids who is bullied, truly knows how damaging it can be and would NEVER do that to someone else.

Jonah Mowry is not that kid.  He’s the kid who makes fun of others, attention whores on the internet and then wonders why people don’t like him.  He’s the kid who, whether the tears are real or not, cleverly puts together a video, sucking the entire world in and making them feel sorry for him, thus spreading his cute little face far and wide on the internet.  We gave him exactly what he was looking for and nobody thought to look and see just what kind of boy he is, they just saw the video and jumped up with their fist in the air ready to fight for his cause.

I’m STILL willing to fight for his cause, or rather, the cause that broke my heart when I saw the video, for all the people out there who are afraid to or are not allowed to openly be with the people they love, NOT for Jonah Mowry.  As far as I’m concerned, he is getting far more attention than he deserves, which is exactly the attention he was looking for.  I admit I’ve been a bit obsessive about this since I saw his videos.  I’ve tried to ‘spread the word’ about his hypocrisy but he must have a team working around the clock. Any comments I made on his videos were removed within seconds, you’d think he was trying to hide something.  Pity his little elves can’t hit their delete button on this post. It’s here to stay.

I’m really curious how some of the celebrities would feel if they saw the other side of Jonah.  Would they overlook the fact that he targets others to make fun of them simply because he’s gay and he cried on YouTube?  Would they glaze over it because it makes a good cause for them to speak out about?  Would Perez Hilton or George Tekai’s opinion change?  Would Rosie O’Donnell, who is gay but also struggles with her weight, still stand behind this kid knowing that he cries for being the same as her in one way but makes fun of people who are like her in another?

I’d really like to know, although I doubt anyone of them would answer ME.  Maybe I should get out the cue cards and make a tearful video of my own and see if that gets their attention.

Wake up people, this kid saw you all coming a mile away and you made him a superstar overnight. Yes, POOR Jonah indeed.

P.S. As a friend pointed out after I posted my outrage on Facebook. Doesn’t Jonah’s video bear a striking resemblance to this video posted by a girl in JANUARY 2011 (long before Jonah’s)?

Ugh… WAKE UP INTERNET!!!

P.S.S. Editing to add this? DOUBLE UGH!!

Really? Is this cocky, gum smacking, fame loving twit really someone you want to endorse???

No related posts.